Welcome to another episode of Finding the Guardian of Your Soul® with your host, Lisa Shield. Today, we are diving into a hot topic: "Do Men Really LOVE to Chase Women?" Lisa, a relationship coach who specializes in teaching clients how to take the "feminine lead" in dating, is here to debunk some dating myths and provide valuable insights. In this episode, we'll learn about the dangers of game playing, the importance of genuine connection, and the exploration of mutual interest. Join Lisa as she empowers women to embrace their authenticity, communicate effectively, and ultimately find their soulmates. Get ready to challenge common misconceptions and gain a deeper understanding of relationships on Finding the Guardian of Your Soul®. Let's dive in! Continue On Your Journey: Lisa Shield | YouTube | Facebook | Instagram | Book a Call With Lisa Email the podcast at: podcast@lisashield.com
What You'll Hear In This Episode:
- Exploring the idea that men enjoy the chase in relationships
- Examination of why nice men may not pursue women they perceive as difficult or complicated
- Addressing the misconception that men are mind-readers and the importance of clear communication
- Recognizing that men, like women, have different personalities and preferences
- Discussion of a woman's miscommunication with a man and his slower approach
- Acknowledging that some men may be introverted or uncertain about signals
- Recognizing the cryptic and tentative signals often sent by women
- Highlighting the need for effective communication and understanding between men and women
- Critique of the concept of men chasing women and its promotion of game playing and manipulation
- Cautionary note about men using deceptive tactics and the need for personal reflection
- Importance of taking responsibility for one's actions in attracting and understanding men
- Emphasis on the gradual development of relationships and the importance of authenticity
Key quotes:
"One reason why this whole idea that men should chase women is wrong is because just the very sound of it promotes game playing. The idea that a man should chase a woman can encourage manipulative behavior like playing hard to get." — Lisa Shield
"Great guys who are building fabulous careers and have money want women who are easy to get along with, women who are transparent, women who are upfront, who know how to talk to a man." — Lisa Shield
"And all of our clients who have found the Guardians of Their Souls will say, ‘This is not the kind of guy I thought I would be with. It started off very slow and it just kept progressing and getting better and better and better as we got to know each other.’" — Lisa Shield
"You may think you're being very clear about how you feel, you may think you're being obvious. But some women, most women, can be extremely cryptic in the way that they send signals to men." — Lisa Shield
"The idea that men like to chase women sets up a cat and mouse game, and that is not a good basis for the beginning of a relationship or a good way to gain male attention and interest." — Lisa Shield
Continue On Your Journey:
Lisa Shield | YouTube | Facebook | Instagram | Book a Call With Lisa
Email the podcast at: podcast@lisashield.com
Lisa Shield [00:00:03]:
Hello, everybody. I'm Lisa Shield, and this is getting inside the right male mind. I was supposed to have a special guest today, and my husband was going to be joining me, but both of these men are not feeling well, and so I am going to go it alone. It is lovely to be here. And today I thought that I would talk about one of my very favorite subjects. And the reason I'm bringing this up again is because I just love to bust dating myths. These stories we hear over and over and over again and get in the way of our connecting with men because we take them at face value and there's a lot more going on than we think. So today I want to talk about, do men really love the chase? And the reason I'm bringing this up is because we have a mastermind group of about 15 incredible women who are truly dedicated to finding the guardians of their souls.
Lisa Shield [00:01:28]:
This is our highest level program and the one that my husband and I invest the most time and energy and love in because we get to work for a full year with our clients in that program. The other day, we were on a call, and it was rather disruptive because one of the women, this gorgeous, just unbelievably lovely, talented, successful young woman, who's in the course, she was very confused because there's a man that she really likes, or she thinks she likes him. We'll start there. She doesn't even really know him. She likes, what she knows about him. And she really made a concerted effort to let him know that she's interested to follow all the things that we're teaching her about how to make a man feel masculine, how to mirror his masculinity back to him, how to compliment him, how to be fun and light and playful on dates. But the truth is, they had only gone on, I think, two dates, and because it was the summer he was traveling, she was traveling, they were not able to really connect during that time. He's also an entrepreneur, and that's one of the things she likes about him.
Lisa Shield [00:03:06]:
But it's also something for all of you. If you're going to date these entrepreneurial men, it's really important to know that a lot of them just don't have the time, they don't have the bandwidth. Even though they say that they want a relationship when men are young, especially when men are young and they're building their careers, they're very focused on creating their futures, amassing their fortunes. A lot of these guys, sure, they would love to find a woman that they are crazy about, but they may not be on the same page as you are in terms of having a serious, committed relationship that's going to turn into marriage. I'm not saying that they don't want those things eventually, but that may not be first and foremost, in their mind, they still want to have female companionship. They may even date, and they may want to tell you. When you ask them, what are you looking for? They will probably say, Well, I want to get married and I want a family. But for them, that really may be something that's down the line and not something that they really want right now.
Lisa Shield [00:04:25]:
So dating these guys, first of all, is really challenging. I went to the wedding of one of my clients, and the brother in law was the cutest thing I ever saw. He was just a terrific guy. He was young, but he was the kind of guy that most women would be looking for. Handsome, successful kind. The kind of guy you'd want to take home to your mom. The kind of guy that you'd want to introduce to your friends. And he was that guy that was just a sweetheart.
Lisa Shield [00:05:06]:
He was nice to everybody there, including me. He knew how to make every woman in that room feel special. He was charming. And I asked him, are you dating anybody that you're serious about? And he said, I meet a lot of really great women, many of whom I would seriously consider having relationships with. But he said, Right now, I'm not interested in getting married. I know that I want to do that someday, but not right now. And a lot of these women are looking for husbands and fathers, and that's not where I'm at. And so he said, I'm very honest with the women that I date, but a lot of them have a different trajectory and it just doesn't work out.
Lisa Shield [00:06:01]:
I'd love to continue seeing them because they're great women, but now is not the time for me personally to settle down. And I think he was speaking for a lot of men his age. So that's the first thing. And I know it's really unfortunate for women who are young especially, and want to have families and find their guys. If I were in that situation, if I was in my 20s or thirty s, I would definitely be dating men who are a little older than me and who might be more ready for a marriage or who may be a little bit further down the line and looking to get married and have kids. I would not necessarily be dating men my own age. Now, if you're in your late 30s, you would probably date somebody closer to your age, because he may be more ready at that time. But if you're young, if you're in your twenty s and early 30s, it might be smart to date somebody who's a little older and might be more in a position to want to start a family.
Lisa Shield [00:07:13]:
So this is one of the mistakes I see a lot of women making. But getting back to my mastermind group and this particular woman I'm talking about, a lot of women have been taught that if a man is interested in you he'll chase you. And that may be true. That really may be true that a man will pursue you if he really likes you and sees a future with you and really wants to get to know you and is thinking about you as a potential partner or seeing you as a girlfriend, a wife, as relationship potential. But here's the thing. If you're saying and doing things that are turning men off, that's not going to happen. So if men aren't chasing you, it's not a one dimensional issue. It's not like, oh, he's avoidant, or Why are all these men flaky? What's going on? Why don't men commit these days? It's not a question of that.
Lisa Shield [00:08:32]:
The real question is if no guys are pursuing you, you have to sit back and ask yourself, is there something I'm saying or doing that might be pushing them away? Do I have walls up that I'm not really aware of? Many, many women say, oh, I'm ready for a relationship and I want a partner. But then once these guys start to get close to them, they have these very subtle ways that they push them away. They start to become afraid of intimacy. They get anxious, they do a kind of a push pull. They come close and then they pull away. And if the guy makes the slightest mistake, they start to get upset and make up a story that he's not interested. And then they put up walls and they start to have attitude. And then very subtly, these men can pick up on those cues and they can start to sense.
Lisa Shield [00:09:42]:
This woman is dramatic, she's complicated. And I'm going to tell you, even though most women have this thing that, well, if he was really interested, he'd still pursue me, if he sensed something was wrong, he would talk about it or bring it up. Look, guys, by and large, really great guys who are building fabulous careers and have money and all they want, women who are easy to get along with, women who are transparent, women who are upfront, who know how to talk to a man, who know how to say, hey, I was disappointed. When you're not disappointed, sorry. You never want to use the word disappointed with a man. You would say, I was waiting for your call the other night. Did something come up where you weren't able to call me? I thought that we had a scheduled time that we were going to talk and I was waiting to hear from you. Like, that just straight up, like, a guy isn't going to go to another guy and say, oh, my God, I'm so disappointed, dude.
Lisa Shield [00:10:59]:
Like, I thought you were going to call me last night and I didn't hear from you. Guys don't do that with other guys. It's not how they talk to each other. A guy would walk up and say, hey, man, I thought we were scheduled to talk last night. What happened? That's how men talk to men. They're just straight up. They don't make a big deal out of things. So really smart women, they understand how to talk to a man and they learn in the programs that we do, we encourage our women to learn how to just be straight and upfront with guys and just say, hey, what happened? Maybe I misunderstood.
Lisa Shield [00:11:47]:
I thought you said you were going to call me last night at 09:00 and I didn't hear from you. No. Oh my God, I was so disappointed. I started to feel like maybe you're not really interested. They're straight up with each other. And so men really are looking for women who can just say what they mean without a lot of drama, who don't shame them if they make a mistake. And here's something that's really important for you to know in the same way that you are really watching these guys in the very beginning to see who they are and if they're worth your time and trouble, they're doing the same thing with us. And if they get just even a sense that you're manipulative or dramatic or shaming, they are going to run.
Lisa Shield [00:12:50]:
They're going to run. They may sleep with you, they may seduce you and just go, oh, well, it'd be great to go on three dates with her and get her into bed. And then they'll move on and you'll never hear from them again. And if things like that keep happening to you, you need to look at that and ask yourself, is there something I'm saying or doing that might be pushing these men away or turning them off, especially in the very early stages of dating. And the more you can take responsibility for what's going on on your end, the more power and control you'll have over these men, over being able to draw these men in from the very beginning, because you will start to become that rare 1% of women in the dating world. That 1% of women who really understand men and can get inside the male mind. This is key. So let's talk a little further.
Lisa Shield [00:14:06]:
In our group, a lot of the women got very upset or triggered. Luckily, I think my husband and I have enough cred with them that they didn't get angry with us. But it really triggered some of the women in the group because they were upset. Because there was a woman in the group who was following a lot of what we said to let the guy know that she was interested to give him cues, that she wanted to go on another date. And she was doing a lot of the things that we had been teaching. She was mirroring his masculinity back to him. She was taking the feminine lead and it wasn't lining up for her with this particular guy. And she got very disappointed in the response she was getting from him.
Lisa Shield [00:15:06]:
And then she wrote him a message and just said, I'm done. I don't think that you really are interested and I wish you all the best. And he actually wrote her back and said, look, I think what you're sensing is you open up very quickly and you are much more open than me and I'm slower to get to know somebody. It takes me a little more time and what you may see as a lack of interest on my part, for me, we have both been traveling and we've both been extremely busy and we just haven't been able to get together. And so he actually took the time to write her back and then she said, well, how about a phone call? And even though she was traveling, he actually called her and they had a phone call. It wasn't romantic and flirty and the way that she wanted it to be, but he did respond to her email or her text and he called her and she was still not okay with the quality of the conversation and all. Look, you've got to know that some guys, it takes time for them to open up to you. They may not be all flirty and playful and open in the beginning, that doesn't mean they're not interested.
Lisa Shield [00:16:46]:
The very fact that he responded to that text that she sent him, telling him goodbye, tells us a lot about the fact that he is interested. And if she did play her cards right, something might be able to happen here. Is it happening as fast as she wants it to? Is it smoking hot from the get go? No. But that's what we are also trying to say with all the work that we do is that in the beginning, it shouldn't be, because if it is, that's not real, that isn't authentic and genuine. It takes time for two adult human beings to really open up to each other in a genuine and authentic way and get to know each other. And all of our clients who have found the guardians of their souls will say, this is not the kind of guy I thought I would be with. It started off very slow and it just kept progressing and getting better and better and better as we got to know each other. And because of the work we did with you, or I did with you, I'm in the best relationship of my life.
Lisa Shield [00:18:11]:
So it does take time. And even though as women, we really want relationships, you have got to give these men time to open up to you. You have to give them time, and some of them move slower than others. It's just how it goes. Not every man is just going to come on hard and fast and strong. And you don't want those guys. Those are the guys that are avoidant, that are players that just want to get you into bed, because it's all about the chase. You want a man who's more slow or who's slower and more consistent, right? That there's consistency and responsiveness.
Lisa Shield [00:19:06]:
So one of the other mistakes she made, and let's get inside the male mind. It was his birthday. She was coming back, she was coming home, and he was going to be in the same city as her. And it was his birthday. And she mentioned several times, hey, let's get together for your birthday. Ladies, here's the thing you need to know. Many, many men don't like to celebrate birthdays. My husband's birthday was yesterday.
Lisa Shield [00:19:41]:
And I asked him, I said, Babe, what is it about birthdays for you? Because I know you really don't like me to make a big deal out of them. Now, some guys do. Don't get me wrong. Not every guy is the same. I am not stereotyping. But I will tell you that some highly masculine men don't like celebrating birthdays. It reminds them of when they were little boys and cakes with candles and singing Happy Birthday. And for a lot of men, that just doesn't feel especially masculine to them.
Lisa Shield [00:20:14]:
It reminds them of being a little boy and not a grown man. My husband, he likes to play it by ear. And so I will ask him a couple of days before his birthday, babe, what would you like to do? Do you want to just hang out at home? Do you need time to yourself? Do you want me to make some dinner reservations? But I let him decide because he's a grown man, and the last thing he wants, he has told me time and time again, do not ever have somebody come to the table and sing Happy Birthday to me. I think he would literally slink out of the rest, like, crawl out of the restaurant or run out of the restaurant. That would be the most humiliating thing that anyone could ever do to him. So you have to understand, she kept offering to spend his birthday with him, which was so sweet on her part. That was a very sweet thing to do. But he told her, I just want to spend some time decompressing on my own.
Lisa Shield [00:21:27]:
He didn't know her well enough to tell her more than that, but she was disappointed because she offered several times to spend his birthday with him, and he didn't pick up her invitation to do that. He wanted to be by himself or spend time with his family, but he didn't want to go on a date with her that night. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to go on a date with her. It's just that night was not the right night for him. A lot of the women in our mastermind group really got triggered by this whole conversation because of this idea. They had heard from so many love coaches and in so many books that if a man is really interested in you, he'll chase you. Well, my husband I don't feel like Benjamin chased me. I feel like he was very consistent.
Lisa Shield [00:22:27]:
He asked me know, but I didn't feel like I was being chased. I just felt like he kept asking me out on dates and it was lovely, and he took me to nice places. And within the context of that, we had some magical moments that really made us both sit back and think, wow, there's something really lovely here. There's a real connection. And we just kept having more and more fun together. But I didn't feel like there was some kind of hot pursuit or chase. It was just very consistent and steady. And I let him take the lead on all of that.
Lisa Shield [00:23:13]:
And I was very receptive and gracious and grateful when he did. I was very appreciative. But I just sat back and saw how he showed up for me. Here's the other thing, and this is the most important thing of all for women to know. You have to understand that there are very subtle ways that I watch many women get disappointed and then push these men away without even realizing it. So something happens. Like, for example, you say, oh, well, let's get together on Friday for your birthday. And the guy two or three times says, I'm going to go see my family or I'm going to spend the day alone, decompressing.
Lisa Shield [00:24:09]:
And she starts to feel rejected. She starts to feel disappointed because he didn't want to go out with her. And she doesn't understand that that just wasn't the right day for him. It wasn't personal. He just wanted to be alone. It was his birthday. And so she feels rejected. She feels like she took what we call the feminine lead by suggesting they get together.
Lisa Shield [00:24:37]:
And she starts to put up a little bit of a wall. She may not even know it, but there can be a tone. There can be a hesitancy, a lack of enthusiasm the next time he speaks with her because she's now feeling more cautious. She feels a little less willing to put herself out there, to be receptive to him because she's carrying this disappointment. These things can be so subtle. But even if you think you're hiding it, we all know how hard it is to hide our authentic feelings. So if he were to call her again and she's now feeling a little disappointed or upset because he didn't take up her invitation to go out on his birthday, he's going to sense it. He'll hear a little bit of disappointment in her voice.
Lisa Shield [00:25:42]:
He'll hear her hesitancy or like she's holding back and kind of waiting or pausing, but we can pick up on these subtle cues. And the thing with men is that they're as perceptive as we are, and they can sense that something's wrong. And one thing men really don't like is when women do not come forward and say, hey, I wanted to spend your birthday with you and you never want to use the word disappointed. I wish that we had been able to do that. It would have been really a wonderful way for us to get to know each other. I know it wasn't the right day for you. However, I would love to find another time where we can see each other. So you've got to start to learn how to ask for what you want and not expect men to read your mind.
Lisa Shield [00:26:42]:
And you also have to learn how to do it in the right way. And when I say in the right way, it means not showing disappointment, not using the word disappointed, and not shaming the man for not knowing or for needing to do something for himself. So men really do want to please us and make us happy. If a man is really interested in you and interested in getting to know you, he wants to please you. He wants to make you happy. Now, that doesn't mean making you happy at his own expense. He needs to also be able to say yes and no and do the things he needs to do for himself. So you have to create space for that.
Lisa Shield [00:27:33]:
But they do within to the best of their ability. They want to make us happy, they want to please us. And they never want to feel like you're going to get disappointed every single time they say no to you or they have to do something for themselves. And it's normal in life. I mean, look, guys are busy just like we are. They have their own lives, they have ups and downs, they have hard days or hard weeks at work. And it's important as a woman to be able to understand that. Every time you put it out there and want to get together with a guy, it's not like he's going to be available for you.
Lisa Shield [00:28:19]:
Even if you want to go on a date, even if you say, hey, it would be great to get together, he may be going through a rough patch or he may just be really stretched and busy and it doesn't mean that he's not interested in you. But if he says no or he doesn't take your offer to get together and you get disappointed, and then you have some kind of attitude with him the next time you speak, even if you're putting on an act. Look, if you are authentically upset and you're pretending to be okay, when you talk to someone, people sense it. Even if you don't think they do, they do. We can tell inauthenticity it sounds different from somebody who is genuinely excited to hear from you, who's excited and whatever. We can pick up on these subtle cues. And don't think other people can't. Don't think men are not highly sensitive.
Lisa Shield [00:29:28]:
In fact, they are on guard. They are on alert for women who are game players, who are manipulative, who are withholding, who do not speak their minds or say directly what's going on. Now that doesn't mean saying, hey, I was really disappointed. I wanted to spend your birthday with you. I mentioned it several times and you didn't say, yeah, let's get together. That's not the way you would do that. If you did that, a man would feel shamed. And most really great men, if they're smart, they would hear that and think, uhoh, the same way you would think, uhoh, if a guy didn't pick up the bill and pay for your drinks or your dinner, especially in the beginning when he's courting you.
Lisa Shield [00:30:24]:
Right? A guy has just as many things that he's looking out for when he's considering dating a woman as we do when we're considering dating a man. And it would really behoove you to learn what those things are and become keenly aware of the things that turn men off about us so that you can start to cultivate the qualities in you that don't trigger those responses in men. So let's just look at some generic things about men in The Chase. First of all, this whole idea of men chasing women perpetuates gender stereotypes, right? These are very traditional gender roles. And while so many coaches and so many books like The Rules, they perpetuate these kinds of gender stereotypes. Things have changed dramatically today. Dramatically. Many, many women are out earning men.
Lisa Shield [00:31:34]:
They make way more money than their partners. I think it's the last time I checked, 33% of women were out earning their male partners. Today, gender roles are changing. So this idea that men should be the pursuers and women should be pursued is kind of an antiquated theory. Now, knowing this, you can play with it a little bit and have fun, but I wouldn't take it too seriously. And as a woman, I would not ever adhere to a book like The Rules. It's ridiculous. Now, there are very artful ways of being able to play with this idea that if there is a guy who likes you, you can sort of play with this pursuit idea.
Lisa Shield [00:32:31]:
But I teach my clients how to take what I call the feminine lead. I want them to be coaxing these men, encouraging them, and doing it in a very feminine way to see how the men respond. But nice men, good men, they're not going to pursue you if they think that you're difficult, that you're complicated, that you're a drama queen, that you withhold and expect men to read your mind and you withdraw every time you get disappointed. And then you pout and you expect them to say, oh, what's wrong? And what did I do? And I'm so sorry. Mature grown people do not behave that way. 15 year old boys and girls do that, right? So this idea that men love The Chase, it negates the idea that women can also express interest and take initiative with men. The second thing is, it ignores individual differences. Men, just like women, have all different kinds of personalities.
Lisa Shield [00:33:52]:
Some of them may be shy or introverted and maybe they're uncertain about the signals you're giving off and they may not feel comfortable chasing. They may really like you, but they also may not be able to read your signals. You may think you're being very clear about how you feel, you may think you're being obvious. But some women, most women can be extremely cryptic in the way that they send signals to men. They're very tentative. And the other thing you need to know is that women use so many words to ask for what they want that sometimes men are just overwhelmed and confused and they don't get the message. And we think we're being very clear and they're like, what did she just say? If you really want to read something brilliant that completely illustrates what I'm saying here, google the Difference Between Men and Women by Dave Berry. Barry The Difference Between Men and Women by Dave Berry and he does this whole scenario between a man and a woman and what the man's thinking and what the woman's thinking.
Lisa Shield [00:35:19]:
And it just totally, totally explains this idea that a woman is thinking one thing and a man is hearing something completely different. Another reason why this whole idea that men should chase women is wrong is because just the very sound of it, it promotes game playing. The idea that a man should chase a woman can encourage manipulative behavior like playing hard to get. The whole idea of the title of the book, Why Men Love Bitches is sort of grounded in that, this idea of playing hard to get. Look, if you are a sensational woman, if you're successful, if you have your life together, you are hard to get just by nature of the fact that you have very high standards, you know what you want. And you're not the kind of woman who's just going to settle for any guy. So a guy is going to have to up his game just naturally by nature of who you are to be able to win your heart. So you don't have to act hard to get or play hard to get.
Lisa Shield [00:36:39]:
You are hard to get, right? The next thing is that it perpetuates this thing of unwanted persistence. So like the chase theory sets up that you're going to keep playing hard to get and he's going to have to keep chasing you, right? And that you have to keep up that dynamic. And what often happens for women is that we know that men want to sleep with us, right? That's part of the chase. So if we're not having sex with them and we know that they're interested in getting us into bed, we can withhold sex for a certain amount of time and they will persist because there's sort of a cat and mouse game and we can use sex to tease them along. But what often happens for so many women is that the minute. We have sex with a man, we feel like we've given up the one thing we know they want from us, and then we start to get anxious and nervous because we've given them sex and now we don't know if we really have anything more to offer them. That was the carrot that we had been dangling in front of the guy, and once he gets the carrot, what else does he want? And so a lot of women we become anxious or avoidant. We start to feel ashamed of ourselves because we went to bed with a guy and we give up our power and then things fall apart quickly.
Lisa Shield [00:38:24]:
And for some guys, that really is why they're pursuing you. They're pursuing you because it's a cat and mouse game. They love the thrill of the chase and they want to get you into bed. That's their end game. And once they get their end goal or their end game, they move on because that really was all they wanted. So this is another thing. When you set up this chase, when you have this a guy's going to chase me mentality, you put yourself in a position of being a sitting duck, allowing them to chase you, and then you set yourself up for this feeling that once they get what they want, then the chase is over. So it's a really bad position for an intelligent woman to even put herself in by adopting that mentality.
Lisa Shield [00:39:23]:
And then the final thing I'd look at is this chase mentality. It ignores mutual interest. So a healthy relationship is just built on mutual respect and interest. So the idea that one party should be doing all the chasing, it creates an imbalance in the relationship. And it really can and probably will lead to issues down the line, such as resentment or a lack of emotional reciprocity. When you build a relationship on a chase mentality, the truth is it negates this whole thing about mutual interest, which really should be the basis of a healthy relationship. Two people who are mutually interested in each other, two adults who are exploring the possibility of a relationship. And I love this particular concept or idea because when I think about my husband and me, we both just showed up for each other.
Lisa Shield [00:40:42]:
We were two people who had done a lot of work on ourselves. We were quite mature. Both of us in this part of our lives doesn't mean I learned a lot about love and partnership and how to show up in a relationship because I'd done a lot of therapy. I'd worked with the author of The Four Agreements. Don Miguel Ruiz. I'd gotten my master's degree in spiritual psychology. I went to a twelve step program, did the Landmark Forum. I'd been working on myself before I met my guy.
Lisa Shield [00:41:19]:
And I really was in a place where my heart was open. I was an adult. I wasn't trying to put my emotional baggage on another person. I was pretty put together. I'm not saying I had everything figured out, but I had figured out how to be an adult in a relationship with a man and how to be emotionally aware and responsible. One of the biggest mistakes any two people make in a romantic relationship is trying to make the other person responsible for their emotional well being. My emotional health and well being is my responsibility, and I got that. That was a huge lesson for me.
Lisa Shield [00:42:19]:
Not that I'm an island. It doesn't mean I don't go to my husband and talk to him when I'm hurting, when I'm in emotional pain, when I have an issue. Absolutely not. I go to Benjamin. I share anything and everything that's going on with me. And I love his input. I love to hear what he has to say. But my happiness and my emotional well being is my responsibility.
Lisa Shield [00:42:46]:
I don't go to him to fix or change things for me. I just go to hear his input and get his advice, which I value. But if I were truly going through a rough patch, I would go see a therapist. I would never expect Benjamin to solve something like that for me. And if it was chronic, if I was unhappy or there was an ongoing upset in my life, I would get help because I wouldn't want to put that on him. I would not want that to affect my husband and my relationship with him. One of the things I knew when I came into this relationship was if this man, this amazing, most incredible man I've ever met in my entire life, wanted to spend his life with me, then my gift to him was that he deserved a partner who was happy and whole. That was my gift to him, was to be responsible for my own happiness and well being.
Lisa Shield [00:43:57]:
And anything else that he does for me is just a gift from him. So our relationship really was not built on the idea that Benjamin should chase me and pursue me if he really liked me. It was two people who genuinely liked each other and just wanted to explore the possibility of that mutual interest that we shared for each other or in each other. So that's really the basis of a beautiful beginning for a relationship, is just two people who share mutual interest and want to explore that and see where it goes. So let's talk about I'll just review these five points I just made. So the first thing that's wrong with this idea of the chase is that it perpetuates gender stereotypes. The second thing is it ignores individual differences that not all men are the same. Some are shy, some are introverted, some are not as good at reading signals from women.
Lisa Shield [00:45:09]:
Some are not as aggressive and assertive. The third thing is it promotes game playing. It sets up this cat and mouse kind of game, and that is not a good basis for the beginning of a relationship or to gain male attention and interest. The fourth thing is that you create the potential for unwanted persistence. So a lot of women, they have this cat and mouse, this chase mentality, he's going to chase me mentality. And what happens is, when that's gone and when you start to get into a real relationship and he's not chasing you anymore, then you lose interest or you think he's not interested. And then the final thing is it ignores mutual interest, which really should be the basis of a healthy relationship. Two grown ass adult people who are mutually interested in each other should both be able to explore that together and cultivate it and just have this beautiful, wonderful experience of seeing where it goes and not have to create a chase mentality or a game or something like that.
Lisa Shield [00:46:36]:
Two beautiful human beings can meet and really like each other and just say, wow, there's something special here. Let's see where this goes for my husband and me. We just celebrated our 21st anniversary a week ago. So that's where it went for us. 21 beautiful, magical years with each other, and not because I thought, oh, I'm waiting for some guy to chase me and pursue me. We had mutual interest and we really liked each other from the get go, and we just both wanted to see where it would go. I'm Lisa Shield, and this has been getting inside the right meal. Mind.
Lisa Shield [00:47:30]:
Next week, we will be back with my husband and a very special guest for all of you. Please come back and see us. If you want to find out more about what I do, go to lisashield.com. Click the button all over my website to watch my free presentation. Stay to the end of that presentation because that's where you can sign up for a call with a member of my team to discuss how we can help you find the guardian of your soul. And finally, if you do have any suggestions for future topics, please send them to podcast@lisashield.com. Have a wonderful rest of your day and also come back and listen to my other episode, finding the Guardian of Your Soul. All right, everybody.
Lisa Shield [00:48:21]:
I look forward to seeing you next time, and I send you lots and lots of love. Thank.