Today on 'Finding the Guardian of Your Soul,' we dive into the complex ways smart, successful women can unknowingly sabotage their romantic relationships. Join hosts Lisa and Benjamin Shield as they explore real-life instances where remarkable women, despite being ready to meet the guardians of their souls, put up walls and push away great potential partners out of fear and overthinking.
Welcome back to another enlightening episode of "Finding the Guardian of Your Soul." I'm Lisa Shield, joined by my wonderful co-host, Benjamin Shield. Today, we tackle a critical issue that often plagues even the most successful and intelligent women: self-sabotage in relationships. We'll explore why smart women, despite being ready and eager to find their soulmates, often unintentionally put up walls and push away potential partners. We'll dive into the deep-seated fears, ambivalence, and past baggage that contribute to this self-sabotaging behavior and discuss practical strategies to overcome it. Join us as we unravel the complexities of the frenemy mind and share insights to help you embrace vulnerability and open up to love. If you're ready to stop the cycle of self-sabotage and find the guardian of your soul, this episode is a must-listen. Let's get started!
From misunderstanding simple gestures to resurrecting baggage from past relationships, Lisa and Benjamin dissect the self-protective mechanisms that can hinder meaningful connections. They share compelling stories from their transformative Emotionally Naked Dating course, including clients who nearly missed out on incredible partners due to self-doubt and misguided assumptions.
Discover practical strategies to identify and overcome self-sabotage, the importance of seeking grounded advice, and how honest communication can transform budding relationships. Hear how many of their clients, initially on the brink of giving up on good matches, found lasting love through guided introspection and vulnerability. Don't miss this invaluable episode for any woman seeking to unlock the path to her soul's guardian. Tune in to learn how to stop your frenemy mind and start embracing the love you truly deserve.
Lisa Shield [00:00:01]:
Hi, everybody. Welcome to getting inside the right male mind. I'm Lisa Shield.
Benjamin Shield [00:00:07]:
And I'm Benjamin Shield.
Lisa Shield [00:00:08]:
And it is lovely to have you here. I'm the founder and CEO of a six month course called emotionally naked dating, where we teach you how to find the guardian of your soul. My course doesn't teach you how to find just any guy. It teaches you how to find the guy. The one who sees you, supports your soul's journey, and does everything in his power to help you fulfill your dreams. So today we want to talk about how women self sabotage relationships. And this is something I see a lot in my courses. We have all of these amazing, smart, successful women who come to work with us, and they're very sure that they are ready to meet the guardians of their souls.
Lisa Shield [00:01:01]:
And then they meet them. And what happens, babe?
Benjamin Shield [00:01:04]:
Well, sometimes they self sabotage.
Lisa Shield [00:01:06]:
Yeah. Yeah. They self sabotage. They put up walls. They meet this really great guy, and then they find all kinds of fault with him, and they push him away before he even has a chance to get close to her. And so let's talk about. We had a very recent experience of this, and it was wild to see how somebody who is so beautiful and successful and has almost everything she could want in her life and who says she's really, really ready to do this, and then she met a great guy and.
Benjamin Shield [00:01:50]:
Right.
Lisa Shield [00:01:50]:
Yeah. And so she began to self sabotage. And I think what most of us don't realize until we meet that guy and that self sabotaging part of us starts to kick in. We don't even realize how much fear we have, how much baggage we're carrying.
Benjamin Shield [00:02:11]:
Ambivalence.
Lisa Shield [00:02:12]:
Ambivalence. And it's so wild to see how our frenemy mind can kick in and just start to very quickly push these men away. So let's look at some of the things that we saw happening or see happening. When a woman who's in so much fear finally meets a wonderful man, and then she starts to where they have.
Benjamin Shield [00:02:40]:
So much in common, so much shared values.
Lisa Shield [00:02:45]:
Yeah. They live close to each other.
Benjamin Shield [00:02:47]:
They have economic strata. Is the same.
Lisa Shield [00:02:50]:
Yeah. There's so many things in common that this woman has been looking for. And before she even gives him a chance, she's already that fear mechanism, that self protection kicks in, and it's really incredible to witness.
Benjamin Shield [00:03:10]:
Well, I think so often women and men can be guilty of this also, but women can be overthinking every interaction. They're analyzing conversations or messages, and it can lead to misunderstandings or create problems that aren't there?
Lisa Shield [00:03:31]:
And women do tend to overthink. They start looking for all the reasons not to pursue something rather than all the reasons to pursue, pursue it. And their brains just kick in and suddenly they're just. Yeah. They're pushing these guys away out of fear. And part of what they're avoiding is being vulnerable.
Benjamin Shield [00:04:00]:
Right. And I think there's a fear of getting what we want.
Lisa Shield [00:04:07]:
Yeah.
Benjamin Shield [00:04:08]:
Because we could want something so badly that all kinds of thoughts come up defenses. What if it doesn't work out? What if I can't match up? What if it's going to change my life too much? What if he's not who he really says he is or appears to be?
Lisa Shield [00:04:29]:
Or what if I'm not good enough for him?
Benjamin Shield [00:04:31]:
Exactly. Exactly. What would happen if they got together and if they had previously bad relationships? It started out good. If this is just another round of that.
Lisa Shield [00:04:43]:
Yeah. And then getting their heartbroken again.
Benjamin Shield [00:04:47]:
Yeah. And so many women, particularly successful women, have their lives together except for what they really want, which is a partner. A true, lasting love partner. Thank you. And getting into a relationship may just rock the boat. They may feel like, look, I've got my house, I've got all these things. And getting into a relationship, which I thought I really wanted. There's fear.
Lisa Shield [00:05:22]:
Well, and also, I think another piece of this, babe, is that a lot of times you're going to have to put everything you think you are to the test. You know, it's easy to sit and say, I'm so wonderful. I have it all going on. Where's my guy? It's easy to sort of hide behind that story. There are no good men. But then a great man shows up and suddenly it's like, well, am I good enough for him? Do I have enough going on? And I think one thing that so many women don't think about is that there's so many really extraordinary women today. It's not like back even when I was dating. When I was dating, I, in some ways, had a lot going on.
Lisa Shield [00:06:21]:
And, you know, there weren't so many really put together women who were out there who, you know, had a career, had money, were successful. I mean, I sort of met you at the beginning of all that.
Benjamin Shield [00:06:38]:
Right. The beginning of online dating.
Lisa Shield [00:06:40]:
Of online dating. And also just where women were really stepping out. They were creating their own businesses. And, I mean, I'm not saying there weren't successful women prior to me, but I was sort of at the very beginning of this wave. And now there are so many beautiful, smart, successful women and it's hard to compete with that. And suddenly you meet a man that you really, really, really like or that you think has real potential, and you start calling yourself into doubt, into question, you know, do well, there's so many beautiful, talented, amazing women. And what makes me any different than any one of them?
Benjamin Shield [00:07:30]:
Yeah. Yeah.
Lisa Shield [00:07:32]:
You know, so the competition is really steep. And I think suddenly, once you're faced with, oh, my gosh, here's this great man, and do I really have what it takes? So there's the fear of getting what you want, you know, and I think.
Benjamin Shield [00:07:52]:
There'S the temptation of assuming the worst intentions. Like, there could have been the most innocent comment, or someone could say that, you know, I live in an apartment. It may be their second home, you know, but they could take a small fact and just blow it so out of proportion and create a story that they self sabotage before they really know the truth.
Lisa Shield [00:08:23]:
Well, and I remember there were an instance in our course where a woman was trying to set up a date with a guy, and he was getting out of work, and he was just trying to think of a place for them to meet. And she built a whole story around how he picked a place that was so convenient for him and not convenient for her. And, you know, instead of just saying, I would love it if we. If we could meet somewhere in the middle or if you would come over to my side of town, and he would have done that. She. Later, after we spoke to her and we talked her off the ledge, she actually did have that conversation with him. And he was like, of course I would have come over to where you are.
Benjamin Shield [00:09:08]:
And he was probably more familiar with the restaurants in his neighborhood.
Lisa Shield [00:09:12]:
Yeah. And he was just picking a spot that he knew and that he really thought she might like, but he wasn't even thinking about proximity. And she had a whole story in her head about a really great guy would be thinking about something closer to me. And maybe that's true, but, you know, it's all about having good communication and being able to ask for what you want.
Benjamin Shield [00:09:37]:
It's imagining imaginary red flags.
Lisa Shield [00:09:43]:
Yep. That don't even exist. And, like, setting up these absurd rules in relationship and then holding men to these rules without even telling him what the rules are. They're doomed to fail. So that's another big one.
Benjamin Shield [00:10:04]:
And I think women, and, of course, men also, of course. But women can bring in past relationships, past baggage, past bad memories, and just fit this gentleman, this prospective partner in that template. Like, well, he's probably just like the others. This and that. And really not seeing it with fresh eyes.
Lisa Shield [00:10:32]:
Right. Well, and sometimes women don't even realize how a past relationship is coloring every single man they see. Like, we had a woman the other day who. I'm trying to think what happened right now. A man was trying, you know, I don't know. You weren't on the call that. That time on the Q and a call, but a man had. Was trying to be very masculine and, you know, assert himself and whatever, and every.
Lisa Shield [00:11:12]:
The other women on the call thought he was being really kind of cute and masculine. And because this woman had been with a very controlling man, she thought he was being controlling, and she didn't like it. But when we were listening to her describe his behavior, we were all sitting there thinking, wow, that's kind of sexy. But she didn't want to see him again because it felt controlling. Now, mind you, none of us were there, and we didn't have the benefit of, you know, actually being present to his behavior. But as she was describing it, we just all thought, you know, he leaned in and he was like, and you're going to really look forward to seeing me again or something, you know? And she took it as him being controlling and disrespectful. So I think she was self sabotaging in a way, not giving him a chance, or at least not communicating her boundaries with him.
Benjamin Shield [00:12:13]:
Yeah. Yeah. And I think it would have brought two people closer together if they said, you know, I come from a history of, you know, being with men that have been very controlling. So if I seem to have pulled away when you did that, that's why. And it opens the door for the man to walk through to give his thoughts.
Lisa Shield [00:12:34]:
Yeah. And also for him to respect her past and to say, oh, you know, please pardon me, I was being playful. I didn't know. Thank you for sharing that. And that can create an intimacy, especially when a woman asks for what she needs and a man is willing to meet her there and please her, that's actually very, very, very sexy. So, you know, this is a short one, but I wanted to go into this topic because we see this so often where women come into our program and they're saying, I'm ready. Where are the quality men? I can't meet a good man. And then we see how they're self sabotaging because they are meeting some quality men.
Benjamin Shield [00:13:25]:
And there are some remedies. I mean, if we've encountered in our groups women that have preemptively ended a relationship with a short text or just a definitive. It's clear that we're not a match. I wish you the best. And the guys probably saying, God, I thought that was a great day. And he's checking his shirt, checking his see what's wrong with him, because he thought it was just a great date. And both parties may not know why she wrote that text, but there's always room for a redo, and it's perfectly fine. In fact, it would be wonderful for a woman to say, may I be vulnerable? I want to apologize for sending that text, and I think you're a wonderful guy with many, many wonderful qualities.
Benjamin Shield [00:14:26]:
I'd love to get to know you better. That could melt a man's heart and then ending and what are your thoughts.
Lisa Shield [00:14:34]:
So you can always send that message. It's also wonderful to have somebody there as you're going through this process who really is grounded and who will tell you the truth, who will say to you, look, you know, I think you're being rash here, and maybe it would be a good idea to take a step back and give this man another chance or have a conversation and, you know, and not make assumptions, but check your perception and see if what you're really feeling is accurate. Because so often our frenemy is talking in our ear and it's trying to protect us, but it's really perpetuating old patterns. It tries to keep us safe, but what it really does is it keeps us single. And so having either a coach or a program like ours or a very, very lucid friend who you trust, maybe somebody who's in a great relationship and can give you sound advice, but not side with you. Not the kind of friend who would just say, oh, you're right, and I can't believe he did that. And of course, he just is trying to get you alone to have sex with you, or. But somebody who will say, take a deep breath, and let's.
Lisa Shield [00:16:11]:
We will cut that out. So you need to have a good friend who will say, take a deep breath, and let's look at this and see if this is really what's going on. Maybe a conversation with him would be wonderful just to express how you're feeling and see if he can meet you where you are.
Benjamin Shield [00:16:39]:
And we've seen countless instances where a woman has rejected a man and we've kind of pulled it out of the fire, and many of them are engaged or married and just ecstatic. And many said, well, I wouldn't have gone past the first date, and we would just be there, and we never want anyone to settle or to pursue dating when it's not appropriate. But we can be privileged witnesses and seeing when someone really wants something and is self sabotaging.
Lisa Shield [00:17:22]:
Yeah. And so many of our clients, like you said, are with the partners they're with because we said, wait a minute, don't do that. And I can think of one woman who recently got married, one of our clients who met the most wonderful man. I mean, we just love this man. Everybody in the group was like, oh, my God, I would date him. He is such a guardian of her soul. And she wasn't going to go past the first day. She was going to go for another guy who was avoidant.
Benjamin Shield [00:18:00]:
We know someone who's in a forever relationship and she wasn't going to go past the first date because she didn't like his earlobe and that he tucked his shirts in. Yeah, that was the deal breaker.
Lisa Shield [00:18:14]:
Those were deal breakers.
Benjamin Shield [00:18:15]:
They are so happy together, inseparable.
Lisa Shield [00:18:18]:
Yeah. So it's so important to stay grounded and, you know, not always trust yourself. If you see a good man who has wonderful potential and who really likes you, that you take a deep breath and you run it by some trusted confidants to see if you're being, you know, if you're self sabotaging or if you're doing the right thing. Because this is such a huge part of dating. When we're faced with the very thing we've been saying we wanted, sometimes our greatest instinct is to push it away or run away. And we see that all the time. So thanks, babe. Thanks for talking about this.
Lisa Shield [00:19:09]:
That's a pleasure. It's great. I really appreciate it. Thank you so much for listening. I'm Lisa Shield.
Benjamin Shield [00:19:16]:
And I'm Benjamin Shield.
Lisa Shield [00:19:17]:
And this has been getting inside the right male mind. If you'd like more information about our six month emotionally naked dating course and how we can help you find the guardian of your soul, go to lisaschield.com, click the button all over my website to watch my free webinar. And if you like what you see, stay to the end because that's where you can book a call with a member of our team and she will explain how we can help you find a guy like this.
Benjamin Shield [00:19:49]:
Thank you.
Lisa Shield [00:19:50]:
Also, join me for my other broadcast, finding the guardian of your soul, which is available everywhere you get your podcasts. And finally, our best topics come from clients or listeners like you. So please write to podcasthield.com with your suggestions for future broadcasts. Thank you again for listening. I'm Lisa Shield.
Benjamin Shield [00:20:15]:
And I'm Benjamin Shield.
Lisa Shield [00:20:17]:
And we wish you a very beautiful rest of your day. Bye bye. Oh, and one last thing. Please tell everybody you know about this podcast. Your sisters, your brothers, your aunts, uncles, mothers, your girlfriends, your guy friends, your colleagues. We would love to spread the word because we are talking about this topic in a way that nobody else talks about it. And the results, our clients. Yet, as I said, they don't just find any guy.
Lisa Shield [00:20:51]:
They find the guy, the guardian of their soul. And we want that for you, too. Bye.