In this episode of 'Finding the Guardian of Your Soul,' host Lisa Shield delves into the important topic of breaking down emotional walls in relationships. Lisa shares her personal journey and the transformative experience of opening up to her husband, Benjamin, and how this vulnerability brought healing and deep connection to their relationship.
In this episode of 'Finding the Guardian of Your Soul,' host Lisa Shield delves into the important topic of breaking down emotional walls in relationships. Lisa shares her personal journey and the transformative experience of opening up to her husband, Benjamin, and how this vulnerability brought healing and deep connection to their relationship.
She highlights the importance of being authentic and emotionally naked in relationships, providing valuable insights into recognizing emotional unavailability and finding the courage to be genuine in love. Listeners will gain a deeper understanding of the power of vulnerability and transparency in creating meaningful and loving connections.
Tune in to learn how to take down your own walls and attract the Guardian of Your Soul™
Primary Topic: Understanding Emotional Walls
- How emotional walls manifest in relationships
- The impact of past hurt and disappointment on building walls
- The role of gender stereotypes in managing emotions in relationships
- Challenges of opening up to men and being vulnerable
- Recognizing self-limiting beliefs and internal dialogue
Primary Topic: The Process of Breaking Down Walls
- The need for conscious effort to break down emotional walls
- Taking small steps towards vulnerability and openness
- Overcoming fear of vulnerability and emotional unavailability
- Recognizing and addressing patterns in attracting emotionally unavailable partners
- Understanding male vulnerability in relationships
Primary Topic: Self-Reflection and Personal Growth
- Examining personal experiences and upbringing influencing emotional walls
- Recognizing the impact of past experiences on present relationships
- Taking personal responsibility for emotional barriers
- The healing power of transparency and acceptance
- Challenging self-judgment and building self-acceptance
Primary Topic: Authenticity and Genuine Connection
- Differentiating between facade and genuine vulnerability
- Connecting with inner softness and sweetness
- Encouraging genuine interactions over competitive banter
- Inviting emotional openness and connection in relationships
- Recognizing the qualities that foster lasting connections
Primary Topic: Seeking Support and Growth Opportunities
- Recommending resources for understanding emotional availability
- Encouraging self-reflection and personal development
- Highlighting the benefits of seeking professional guidance
- Opportunities for personal growth and support
- Inviting audience feedback and topic suggestions
Lisa Shield [00:00:10]:
Hello, everybody, and welcome to finding the guardian of your soul. I'm Lisa Shield. And today I am going to talk to you about how to take down your walls. This is a very, very important discussion because so many women have walls that they have built up over many, many years of hurt and disappointment. And we've become so masculine in the way that we manage our lives. And it is very difficult for men to get through those walls. We want to think that we're open and emotionally available because we go to therapy, we do a lot of self help work. And we sit and talk with our girlfriends for hours and open our hearts.
Lisa Shield [00:01:07]:
But the place where we may still have walls around our hearts is when it comes to opening up to men, and particularly men, that we are really attracted to men, that we want to find us attractive. It can be very difficult when you're attracted to a man, to open up your heart and really show him who you are. And one of the ways to begin to become aware of just how emotionally blocked you are is to listen to the voices in your head. Especially that little voice that says, well, if you ask for that, you're going to sound needy or desperate. You can take care of yourself. You need to flaunt your independence and act like you've got it all together. Because you don't want this man to think that you're some needy little girl. You want him to see that you're capable and independent and that you have it all together.
Lisa Shield [00:02:14]:
And I remember when I met my husband. He is just the kindest man. And in many ways, he's the kind of man that any woman should feel immediately safe with. But just because he wants to create. And he can create that feeling of safety and security with another person. If you have walls, it's not like just because you meet a kind, safe, secure man, those walls are just going to come tumbling down. It really does take a conscious effort on our part to break those walls down and take small steps to open up and start to be vulnerable. Many of us have been vulnerable in the past.
Lisa Shield [00:03:09]:
We've asked for what we wanted from men, and they've taken advantage of us. We've been generous. We've been giving. We've let them into our hearts and into our lives and only to regret it. And many of us come away saying, well, I'll never do that again. And what starts to happen is, without even knowing it, men can feel those walls. They can feel women who are not emotionally available. So even if you think that you are putting on an act and you're being open and all men can sense it, just like you can pick up on those things in a man.
Lisa Shield [00:03:53]:
So you can play that game for a little while. But once you get into the relationship and it really does start to feel risky and you start to like somebody, that's when you can really begin to notice what's really going on. I had a client some years ago, and she was talking about how emotionally unavailable all the men she was meeting were. And I said, well, you're emotionally unavailable. And she got so insulted. And I said, well, an emotionally available person who genuinely is emotionally available, they wouldn't put up with a man. They just wouldn't stick around with a man who they felt was not reciprocating. And I really know this to be true because the more emotionally available I've become, and as I watch our clients go through this process, what we see is that they just become almost, it's like a former cigarette smoker when you just become allergic to certain behaviors and you can tell very quickly when somebody is not meeting you where you are, that you're being very genuine and they're being evasive, they're not forthcoming.
Lisa Shield [00:05:25]:
Now, I'm going to put an asterisk here. That male vulnerability looks very different than female vulnerability. So that's something also that you have to become aware of. This is something that we work on with the women who go through our six month emotionally naked dating program. We really focus on helping women understand what male vulnerability looks like and sounds like. But if a man is not matching your level of vulnerability with his and he's deflecting and not wanting to talk about certain deeper experiences. And I'm not talking about in the first few dates, but I am talking about as you get to know each other, as the intimacy starts to build, the closeness starts to build. If he's evasive and not forthcoming, then you can start to sense these things very quickly.
Lisa Shield [00:06:27]:
And you would move on from those men if you feel like you're constantly knocking at a door that won't open. So this woman who I said this to, she was very upset with me, and I recommended that she read a book called he scared, she's scared. And it's an excellent book. It's written by Stephen Carter, and I highly recommend it for anybody who may be wondering, am I also emotionally unavailable because I'm attracting a lot of men who are. So a lot of times when there's a repeating pattern in your dating, it's because of something that you're doing right. Hi, Jean. Oh, my goodness, it's so great to see you here. I send you lots of love.
Lisa Shield [00:07:22]:
I know who you are. And, yes, the book is he scared, she scared, and it's by Stephen Carter. It's an excellent book. He also wrote another book that I recommend called men who can't love. But that book focused specifically on commitment phobic men. And he scared, she scared actually looks at both at commitment phobia or emotional walls in both in men and women. Hi, Diana. I recognize you from our launch, our masterclass.
Lisa Shield [00:08:00]:
It's so good to see you here. So going back to emotional unavailability, I think that we're all more afraid than we're willing to admit. And it's very easy to think hypothetically, right? I'm available. I share with my girlfriends. I'm an open book. But then you get in front of a man that you really want to like you, and suddenly you find that you're unable to even ask for the smallest things that you really want from a man. Like maybe a good morning text each morning. Or perhaps this man isn't coming over to your side of town, and you want to ask him, hey, I would love it if you'd come over to my side of town.
Lisa Shield [00:08:51]:
We've been meeting in the middle, and it would be lovely. It really turns me on when a man is willing to pursue me, and that always feels wonderful to me. I feel so taken care of when a man is willing to come over to my side of town. And so it's very important. And what we see with our clients is that they get so afraid. These capable women who run businesses and run teams and all when it comes to asking a man that they really like, for even these very small things, they shut down. And they tell themselves, well, all the dating coaches say a man is supposed to pursue you. A man is supposed to take the initiative, and that's really a way of just bowing out yourself so that you don't have to take these small risks.
Lisa Shield [00:09:53]:
If you want to find out if a man is willing to pursue you and cherish you and adore you, make you happy, then you have to start to put out these little requests and see how these men respond and then make a decision whether or not that's the right guy for you. I, like many of you, did not have a wonderful relationship with my father. I feel that. And his ex wife brought up that he may have had borderline personality disorder. He was certainly avoidant, and he was very narcissistic, and so alcoholics are. And so I never really felt that I got. When I would ask my father for certain things, I always felt like he just made excuses and brushed it off. But he was never very responsive to me.
Lisa Shield [00:11:01]:
And that was painful. It was very painful. And I didn't feel comfortable with men. I didn't get great modeling from my father, and I was so afraid to ask for anything from a man. And so when I met Benjamin, I was in a twelve step program for food, and it was really an eye opening experience for me. And I learned at an even deeper level than I had with other self help programs and all, to take personal responsibility for myself and how I was showing up, who I was being. And I decided that I was going to be transparent and really open up about and share very personal things with Benjamin that I had never shared with anybody before. And when I would notice certain things, certain ways in which I was afraid to share something or I felt embarrassed about something, I would actually make a point of telling him those things and not wanting any kind of reaction or response from him at all, just with the intention of taking down my walls.
Lisa Shield [00:12:27]:
It was really a game changer for me, and I began to pay attention to all the things I was ashamed of that I didn't want to share. And there were actually some things I had never told another man in my life, and I didn't need to tell him. It wasn't like these were personal things that I even needed to share. But I actually realized for myself that every tiny withholding was someplace that I was carrying shame, and that I was keeping myself a little bit separate and apart from him. And there were several times where I shared very deep personal experiences and things from my past with Benjamin. And he was so incredibly loving and kind, and he would look at me and he would say, I would never judge you for that. And those words were music to my ears, because by opening up and sharing these personal details or experiences, I was able to see that I was judging myself for these things. And by sharing them with him, which is, in some ways, what confession is about.
Lisa Shield [00:13:53]:
I mean, you go to a priest and you're in this little box, and you're sharing with the priest these things that you're ashamed of, or these supposed sins that you've committed, and you're doing it to get them off your chest because they're weighing on you. And then the priest offers absolution. And this was a little bit more intimate in that I was doing this with my future partner, but there was a kind of absolution that I would share these things with the man I loved. And he would look at me and say, I would feel so ashamed of them. And he would look at me and say, I'd never judge you for that. And his love, his lack of judgment, his receptivity, was so beautiful and so kind and so loving that I was able to let go of a lot of these things that I had been shaming myself for. So it was an incredibly healing experience. And it allowed me to feel safer and safer and safer with this man who just loves and accepts me wholeheartedly.
Lisa Shield [00:15:22]:
And this was a gift that Benjamin gave to me. But I also gave this gift to myself by being transparent and by facing my fears and by sharing these parts of myself and my life that I wasn't particularly proud of, but that I wanted to be known by this man. And I didn't just want him to know some version of me that I wanted him to see. I truly wanted to get emotionally naked, and I wanted him to see all of me. The good, the bad, the ugly, all of it. And I didn't do it in a dramatic way. It wasn't like I went with a lot of drama and all. It was just me genuinely wanting to take down these walls and not hide anything about myself from this beautiful, loving man who just constantly received me with love.
Lisa Shield [00:16:35]:
And so it's so important that you begin to do this. And it's also a litmus test. It's a way of finding out who these men are. Are they truly kind and loving men who can love you in the way that you want to be loved? Or do you have to present some false version of yourself in order to be loved? And you have to have the courage to take down those walls and start to let men see who you are. And I really invite you to start going on dates and really sitting back and watching, listening to the voices in your head, watching when you're putting on a performance, look at when you start to feel uncomfortable with a man? Or where that voice in your head tries to edit you and tell you not to say certain things, or that a man is going to judge you? Or that you have to present yourself like you have it all together when you don't, and instead take a deep breath and just say, you're so much more handsome even than the man in the pictures. And I thought you were handsome there. But I think I'm feeling a little bit nervous right now. And just be real, instead of trying to put on a show and act like you're this fabulous woman and that you've got it all together.
Lisa Shield [00:18:18]:
If that's not authentically how you're feeling inside. And the more transparent you are, the more real, the more genuine. I was talking to someone on my team this morning, and we were talking about how some women really have perfected this sort of veneer of having it all together. And they think that they're being playful and fun on dates, but it's actually a facade. It's actually an act that they put on. And they're pretty, they're successful. They have, on paper, if you and I might want to be them, right? They're beautiful, they're fit. They've got pretty clothes.
Lisa Shield [00:19:12]:
They have it all going on in a certain way. But what they're lacking is real vulnerability and genuineness, softness and sweetness. And those are qualities that men, good men, kind men, are looking for in a woman that they can open up to, that they can share their hearts with. They don't just want women who can have a witty comeback and can be up here and go toe to toe with them, because that can also feel a little bit combative, a little bit like a competition. There are women who can banter and flirt and all, but it feels very competitive and not like you're encouraging and inviting a man in a kind of playful, teasing way. So that's very different to have that sort of appear kind of banter rather than that playful, sort of cat and mouse kind of fun banter where you're encouraging a man, you're inviting a man to invite you, and then maybe you pull it away a little bit and make him work for it. But that's a very different kind of playful teasing and all than having this up here kind of, oh, I'm a sharp, savvy, sexy woman, and I can banter and I can do flirt, but that can feel very titillating and sexy for a man. But it's not the kind of vulnerability, the playful vulnerability that makes a man want to spend his life with you because you're that rare woman he can open up to.
Lisa Shield [00:21:26]:
So go on these dates. Read that book. He's scared, she's scared. It's really eye opening. Go to my website, lisashield.com. Click the button to watch my free 45 minutes presentation. If you've already seen it and you're hesitating and you just want to book a call, you have to watch that presentation first. But if you've already done that, you can just go to Lisashield Comreserve and that will take you to my calendar where you can go ahead and book a call with a member of my team.
Lisa Shield [00:22:02]:
We will talk to you about how we can help you take down your walls and attract the guardian of your soul. And if you just want to go to my website and check it out, I have an amazing praise page with lots of success stories and video testimonials with clients and photos of some of our beautiful, happy, successful clients. So please check us out. And finally, if you would like to send your suggestions for future topics, please send them to podcast@lisashield.com it is such a pleasure to spend this time with you. My team and I are here for you. We would love to help you find the guardian of your soul. So please, if you loved this broadcast, come back and see me again. But don't wait too long to book your call.
Lisa Shield [00:22:56]:
Every moment that you wait is another moment that you will not get to spend with the guardian of your soul when you find him. And trust me, once you meet him, you will never, ever have enough time together. Because finding the guardian of your soul is the most magical experience in life. It is the best life any woman could ever live to have her lover, playmate and best friend by her side to share a magical life together. Bye bye and come back and see me again. Close.