In today's compelling episode of 'Finding the Guardian of Your Soul,' we delve into the multifaceted world of communication between the sexes, particularly when it comes to the intricate dance of dating. Prepare for unraveling enigmas as we explore the often-misconstrued signals and phrases that men and women exchange in the pursuit of love.
Witness the poignant narrative of one couple navigating the delicate balance of support without words, where silent companionship speaks volumes. Learn about the weight of the phrase "we need to talk" and its wildly different receptions—where women see an opening for heartfelt dialogue, men may sense an impending storm.
We wrap our hands around the concept of 'taking it slow'—a term laden with disparate hopes and fears for men and women alike. Whether it's fostering an emotional sanctuary or cautiously stepping closer, our guests bear their souls in seeking clarity in commitment.
Bond with us as we dissect the subtleties of serious relationships, from meeting families to planning futures, and the courage required to voice one's deepest needs and intentions.
Don't miss the opportunity to unlock the code of cross-gender communication in dating—where every word counts, every silence is heavy with meaning, and every heart seeks its refuge. Join us for an episode rich in understanding and empathy, as we translate the language of the heart on 'Finding the Guardian of Your Soul.'
Lisa Shield [00:00:02]:
Hello, everybody, and welcome to finding the guardian of your soul. I'm Lisa Shield, and it is lovely to be here with you. I am very excited about today's topic. I think it's one that we can all relate to. And we're going to talk about lost in translation, how men and women hear dating terms differently. This is a really big one and let's just get this out of the way. We all hear things differently. Everything gets lost in translation.
Lisa Shield [00:00:43]:
You may say something to anybody in your life, then they may hear something very different than what you said. That being said, men and women often have very different ways of seeing the world, of hearing different terms. And what means one thing to a man means something completely different to most women. And again, in the midst of that, there's all kinds of shades of gray and misunderstandings that can happen. So what I'm going to talk about may sound like some very broad generalities, but we've all been there. We've all had these kinds of situations happen in our dating lives. And I coach women. My clients right now are all single women.
Lisa Shield [00:01:40]:
And so I see how often the women in our coaching program I teach a twelve week program called Emotionally Naked Dating. And I see how often women just get bent out of shape about the smallest misconceptions with men. And it leads to these very big upsets and they spiral into confusion and doubt. I see it from that angle. I don't see the men. I don't see what they go through. So I'm pretty much witnessing how these little misunderstandings can turn into really big things. For example, there was a very popular Friends episode with Russ and Rachel, and I think Russ said, I'll call you later.
Lisa Shield [00:02:36]:
And Rachel got really been out of shape. Or I think he may have said, I'll call you. And Rachel got really bent out of shape because it was like, well, what does that mean? I'll call know, I'll call you in a couple hours, I'll call you tomorrow, I'll call you in a month. So that would be something that could easily get lost in translation, right? Another one is like, what does divorced mean? You're dating and you see on a guy's profile that he's divorced. Well, you come to find out after going on a few dates with him that divorced for him meant that he and his wife had filed the papers and they're in the process of getting divorced, but they're not actually divorced, so that can be a big one. For a woman, divorced might mean we're done it's behind us. We've separated our assets, we're leading separate lives. And for some men, it might mean that they've filed the papers.
Lisa Shield [00:03:51]:
They haven't been really living together as a couple for a long time. The relationship is pretty much over in his mind. And so he may consider that they're divorced even though the divorce hasn't been finalized. So things like that can lead to very big misunderstandings. And it's not always that a guy is misleading you. So a lot of women can jump to this feeling that well I feel misled, he should have told me. But the truth is it really just may have meant something different for him. So let's talk about the word commitment.
Lisa Shield [00:04:36]:
For some men, commitment might mean exclusivity, not dating other people and focusing on building a relationship with one person. It might be as straightforward as spending more time together or putting a label on the relationship. For women they may view commitment not just as exclusivity, but also as being ready to integrate into each other's lives more deeply. So that might involve meeting each other's families, planning futures together, or even discussing long term goals such as marriage. So if you can see for a guy being committed just means he is committed to seeing you and only you. But it doesn't necessarily mean he's even thinking about a future together. Women are more inclined to be looking out into the future. They want relationships, they want marriage, they want commitment.
Lisa Shield [00:05:38]:
And for a man, commitment just means that hey, I'm only seeing you, we're planning things, we're getting to know each other. But it may not mean that he's even really looking at a future together and considering integrating you into his life. Another great one, and I think we've all been here, is taking it slow. So for a man, taking it slow might mean not rushing into physical intimacy or not spending every waking moment together. It also might refer to keeping things casual and not diving deep into emotional conversations immediately. So I really want you to get that. Men may think that taking it slow doesn't just mean not having sex. It might also mean that you're not getting too heavy too quickly, you're not moving fast, you're just taking everything slow.
Lisa Shield [00:06:47]:
While some women may interpret that similarly to the way men interpret it, other women may see taking it slow as a desire to build a strong emotional foundation before progressing further before having sex. And so they actually may want deep meaningful conversations and to build the emotional intimacy while they're taking it slow so that then they can have those conversations, be more emotionally vulnerable with one another, and then progress towards sex and a committed relationship. So very different. Here's another great one we need to talk. If you say we need to talk to a man, it's going to trigger alarm bells. So many men hear that and they assume that there are significant problems in a relationship and maybe even a breakup on the horizon. So when men hear the words we need to talk, they get paralyzed, they freeze and they actually will start to avoid you. So it's really different for a man.
Lisa Shield [00:08:14]:
So when women use that phrase, yes, they may want to address some serious issues, but it can also be a way for them to discuss feelings or future plans or any kind of topic where you just want a guy's undivided attention. And it may not always be a precursor to something negative. It could be, hey, we need to talk. Like, I just want to check in with you and see where this relationship is going and what you're thinking about me and us, but not that there's something necessarily wrong. It may also be that a woman has some sensitive things that she'd like to discuss with a guy, but she's not upset about anything. It just may be that there are things on her mind that she's having a hard time talking about. So for women, it's not necessarily that there's anything even dire. It just may be that there are some sensitive subjects or some subjects that are hard for her to discuss that she wants to discuss with a guy.
Lisa Shield [00:09:30]:
So my advice is never, ever tell a guy, we need to talk. It's much better to just say, hey, there's something you could really help me out with to have a little bit of time. I'd love to share my thoughts with you, instead of saying, we need to talk. So the way I phrased it is much more inviting. And when you say to a man, there's something you could really help me out with, guys really want to help us out. It's a way for them to get closer to us by being helpful. And that's the kind of invitation, that's the kind of dialogue that will bring a man closer instead of pushing him away. Another big topic that creates a lot of confusion is the concept of space.
Lisa Shield [00:10:29]:
When a man asks for space, it might be that he needs to have time to just engage in some personal activities, some of his own hobbies or just to have some time by himself to decompress. Guys don't process the same way women do. Women love to get together with their girlfriends. They love to talk about what's going on in their lives. Men really just need space. They need to sit in front of a television, drink a few beers, have a bag of Doritos, and not have to think at all. So a guy may need space because he just needs to clear his mind and decompress. Many women interpret that in the same way as men, but others may hear I need space and feel that it's a sign of emotional distancing or even that a man is getting ready to break up and it creates a lot of fear in them.
Lisa Shield [00:11:43]:
So it's really funny, but we need to talk for a man is kind of the same thing as I need some space for a woman, right? When a woman hears, I really need some space, she starts to catastrophize. So a request for space actually in a woman's mind might start to her to question the stability of a relationship. She may start to think, oh, my God, he needs face, I'm too much, he needs to get away from me. And that phrase for a woman is going to start to tap into all of her insecurities. Another big one being serious. So, for some men, being in a serious relationship is about consistency. So they may like seeing you regularly and integrating into you into their daily routines and being integrated into yours, but it might not mean necessarily big future plans or milestones, right? So being serious for a guy just might mean that you're integrating each other into each other's lives and that you're getting to know each other a little better. But that doesn't necessarily mean that this guy wants to spend the rest of his life with you, or that he even knows that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.
Lisa Shield [00:13:26]:
He's just getting to know you, he's just getting comfortable with you and seeing what it looks like to bring your lives together, right? Right now, we have a client and she's met a wonderful man. They're very much in love with each other and with this idea of being serious and integrating into each other's lives. They both want to live together, they do, and they know that that is something that they're both working towards. But there's a lot of confusion for both of them around what that looks like. And what that means for him, moving in together is because he wants to kind of try this out, he wants to see if it's going to work with the two of them. Both of them have been in failed relationships and marriages that didn't last. And so for this gentleman, this man, he really wants to try out living together, cohabitation because it hasn't worked out for him in the past and it was a very difficult thing for him to disentangle himself from those situations. And so for him, he really feels safer letting his partner know that this is something he's trying on.
Lisa Shield [00:14:55]:
For her, she's very sure that this is the man that she wants to spend the rest of her life with and so she's not trying anything on. She feels very certain that if they move in together, that this is something that she's doing out of certainty and for her, it feels like the next step. So they both have very different feelings, very different views on moving in together, even though they both want to move in together. So something like that, two people, a man and a woman, can have different views and that's something that needs to be looked at because she feels uncertain about moving in, because he doesn't feel certain about it. So what we talked about was the idea of communicating and saying, look, if you're not ready and you're not sure, I would prefer that you take some time to get there, so that when we do move in together, we'll both be on the same page. So they need to communicate about that. So when a man and a woman talk about getting serious, right? A man may not mean future plans or milestones, but for many women, they cease being serious as a progression. So this could mean discussing moving in together, like I said, talking about future plans or even setting relationship milestones like getting engaged or married.
Lisa Shield [00:16:39]:
To many women, being serious might be synonymous with evolving the relationship to greater depths and bigger commitments, right? So these terms that we use that can be easily misconstrued on both sides can lead to huge misunderstandings, to hurt feelings. And you cannot assume as a woman, when a man says, oh, we're in a committed relationship, that he is taking that to mean the same thing that you are. So very often women will come to us, to me, to my Mindset coaches in my twelve week program, and they will say, we're in a committed relationship. But what does that really mean? Our answer to these clients is I don't know. You have to ask him. You can't make assumptions. You've got to get emotionally naked and have a conversation around what being in a committed relationship means to both of you. And you need to see if you're on the same page.
Lisa Shield [00:18:01]:
So what would a conversation like that look like? Let's say you talk to a guy that you've been dating and you've talked about being in a committed relationship. How do you have that discussion? Well, my best advice is you would go to this guy and you would say, hey, Sean, I know that we said we're in a committed relationship, and I also know that being in a committed relationship, that that word can have different meanings for different people. I would very much like to have a conversation with you about what that means for you. And then you want to sit back and listen. When you say you're in a committed relationship, that we're in a committed relationship, does that mean we're exclusive? That we're only seeing each other, that we're only going to be sexually active with one another? Great. I love that. Okay, thank you for clearing that up. And I also want to ask you, does this mean that you're open to us integrating more into each other's lives? Does it mean that you would be open to me meeting your children? Does it mean that maybe we would spend more time together each month? And so again, each month, each week you want to clarify that with your partner so that you're not just sitting there with hurt feelings going, oh, okay, so we're going to just see each other once a week and have sex and then that's it, and that's what he considers a committed relationship.
Lisa Shield [00:20:06]:
Well, that doesn't work for me. So you've got to get into more details. Will I meet your family? Does that mean that we will spend birthdays or celebrate holidays together? I want to manage my expectations and understand what taking that next step means for both of us. And then you can say, May I share what I would like, how I look at being in a committed relationship? I'd love to introduce you to my kids. I was hoping that we could not just see each other on the weekend, but maybe even see each other one day or a couple of days during the week. I would love for you to meet my friends. I am also hoping that in the near future, now that we're in a committed relationship, I have some days off, some holiday time that I need to use from work, and I would love to talk about planning a vacation together. So these are all the kinds of things you would want to talk about so that you get clear on what being in a committed relationship actually means for both of you.
Lisa Shield [00:21:34]:
Now, could that conversation be triggering? Absolutely. 100%. It is very possible that you will have this conversation, and it's going to be a little bit real for this guy. This is a litmus test. It's one thing to throw out a word and go, oh yeah, sure, let's be in a committed relationship. And some guys will do that because they know women aren't going to have sex with them outside of a committed relationship. But you don't want to put yourself in that situation. So if this guy has intimacy issues or if he really isn't open to seeing a future with you, you want to get clear on that sooner rather than later.
Lisa Shield [00:22:33]:
Do you get that? So you may have this conversation where you clarify what it means to be in a committed relationship, and you may feel him start to pull away. I know that's not a good sign, but it's a good sign because if that were going to happen, it was going to happen anyway, whether it happened right then and there, or whether it happened three months from that point because you had to go back and clarify what you really wanted. So it's better to do that sooner than later, because three months down the road, you're just going to get more hurt, more disappointed, if this man really isn't interested in developing a real relationship with you. So let's talk about taking it slow. What would that look like? Right? You have a conversation with a man and you say, look, I really want to take it slow. I don't want to rush into anything. I've been down that road. It hasn't worked before, and I'm really looking for something lasting.
Lisa Shield [00:23:46]:
I'm not looking to just jump in impulsively and then have something blow up two months or two years from now. I've decided that I really want to get to know somebody first and see if we're truly compatible. Now, whenever our women say something like that to a guy, we then want them to say, I'd love to hear your thoughts so that you're not just giving a man a one sided conversation and telling him, this is how it's going to be. You want to say, I'd love to hear your thoughts about taking it slow. And you may even say to him, when I tell you I want to take it slow, I'd love to hear what that means for you. What would it mean? What would it look like for us to take this slow and then sit back and hear what he has to say? So you want to be very clear that you're not taking it slow because you want to avoid any kind of emotional depth or creating a deeper connection. The whole idea of taking it slow is not to keep it superficial or not to have casual sex. The idea of taking it slow is to build that intimacy, to intentionally build that intimacy and not be casual about building that connection.
Lisa Shield [00:25:27]:
So I've already talked a little bit about the we need to talk. Right? You do not want to say that to a man. You want to be able to say not, we need to talk. You want to be able to say to a man, you could really help me out with something. I would love your input. Is there a time you're available where I can tell you how you can help me? And when you do that again, it's inviting. It's a way for a man to get close to you. He's going to want to talk because he's going to think that you need his help with something.
Lisa Shield [00:26:12]:
And then you can't just barrage him and start telling him, there's something I really need to tell you. You need to say, hey, there's something you could really help me out with here. There's some things I'd love to know. There's a few things that came up that I wanted to talk to you about, and I wanted us to be able to figure out together how we can approach these things in a better way. So don't want to shame him, don't want to set him up. You want to actually present what you're saying to him. In fact, I'll share something absolutely. That was amazing to early in the beginning of my relationship with Benjamin, he had been for many years seeing a man who was a mentor.
Lisa Shield [00:27:01]:
He was a therapist, but a mentor to my husband. And he worked with this man for many years. And one day Benjamin came to me, and he know, there's something you could really help me with. Would you mind going to a therapy session with me? Because I could really use your help. Now, the truth was, there was something that wasn't working for Benjamin, and he really wanted to talk to me about it, but the way he presented it was not, oh, there's something you're doing that doesn't work for me, and I want you to come to therapy so that we can talk to my therapist. He presented it exactly the way I'm telling you. There's something you could really help me with. And when we got into the therapy session, as it turned out, what Benjamin really wanted was that he needs a certain amount of just quiet time and space.
Lisa Shield [00:28:02]:
And he wanted me to know that when he's overwhelmed, that the very best thing I can do for him is just not talk about it or process it with him. But the best way for me to be able to support him would just be to say, hey, let's go lay down on the bed together, but to be more in silence and just be with him rather than to try to process it or talk about it. But the way he presented it to me was not, hey, you overwhelm me. Sometimes when I could just use some peace and quiet, he said, What I really need is this, and do you think you could do that for me? So it was a wonderful way of approaching it. When a man asks for space, this is a big one. One of the biggest things is that women immediately start to default to thinking, oh, my God, I'm too much. He doesn't want to be with me, or he's going on a date with some other woman, or if there's something going on in his life that he needs to talk about, he should just come to me. You got to get this about men.
Lisa Shield [00:29:22]:
Many men, most men, real men, they do not want to sit around and talk about their problems. They need space. They need to just sit and do nothing and let those problems cycle through. Often they'll come after they've had some time and some space. They may come later and say, the other night I was overwhelmed. There was a lot going on at work, and thank you for giving me some space. I just needed time to decompress. It was the best gift you could have given me.
Lisa Shield [00:30:01]:
But the last thing they want to do is come, and if they're down and they're feeling overwhelmed, the last thing they want to do is sit and talk about it with anybody, anyone at all, even a well meaning girlfriend or wife or partner. And this is something if you can get this about your man and just give him space and just say, babe, take a night off, please. I want you to just have some time to yourself. You don't have to explain anything to me. I love you. I'll be fine. You will be girlfriend or wife of the century, because so few women can do that without making it about themselves and catastrophizing and thinking that this is the beginning of the end. Oh, my God.
Lisa Shield [00:30:58]:
He's pulling away. I can't believe it. He's distant. He was constantly there. He messaged me every morning. Morning. Hello, beautiful text. Good night, gorgeous text.
Lisa Shield [00:31:14]:
And suddenly he needs a time to himself and, oh, my God, don't do that. Don't do that. When you do, what starts to happen is you start to internalize it. You start to pull away, and then he can feel it, and then he starts to pull away, and there starts to be a chain reaction. Give a guy a little room, and I'm just telling you, you learn how to do this, he will be your guy. And if he really is pulling away and distancing himself, then you need to know that, because he's not your guy, right? And then this idea of being serious, like having a serious relationship again, that's a lot like being in a committed relationship. You really need to talk about this. You need to get some clarity.
Lisa Shield [00:32:13]:
You need to talk to your guy and say, what does it mean to you that we're in a serious relationship? Does that mean a step above a committed relationship? Does that mean that you're envisioning a future for us? I just wanted to check in with you and see what that means to you. I know this is what it means for me, but I just want to see if we're on the same page. I don't want to get ahead of us. I don't want to get ahead of you and make assumptions. I want to check in with you to make sure that we're both on the same page. So differences in interpretations can stem from a lot of different things, from male female differences, from cultural narratives, from personal experiences, from individual expectations, from disappointments in past relationships. And the bottom line is clear communication is the key. When you are in doubt, you do not go to your girlfriends and hypothesize.
Lisa Shield [00:33:30]:
Well, maybe he meant this. He could have meant that. Maybe he I don't know. He said this, but then he said that. Just ask your partner. Just go to your guy and say, hey, I just want to get some clarification on something. I'm curious. I wanted to check in with you just to see what you meant.
Lisa Shield [00:33:53]:
It's that simple. Just ask him. All right, everybody. I'm Lisa Shield. This has been binding the guardian of your soul. Please go to lisashield.com. Click the button all over the page to watch my free 45 minutes presentation. If you like what you hear, stay to the end.
Lisa Shield [00:34:15]:
You can book a call with a member of my team, and they will tell you all about how we can help you get this solved, find the guardian of your soul, and have your happily ever after. Also, I do a Sunday episode with my husband called Getting Inside the Right Male Mind. Please tell everyone you know, your sisters and brothers, aunts, uncles, brothers. I already said that. Your mothers and fathers. Tell your therapists. Therapists love my podcast. Tell everybody we are saying what we say in a way that nobody else is saying it.
Lisa Shield [00:34:56]:
We really want to help you find true love. Lasting love. The kind of love that most women dream of. So let's get the word out. If you love the podcast, please rate us. Give us a thumbs up, let us know. If you don't like it, let us know. We're grown ups, we can take it.
Lisa Shield [00:35:18]:
We take your feedback to heart. And finally, if you have suggestions for future podcasts, for future broadcasts, please send them to podcast@lisashield.com and come back and see me again. Bye bye. Have a wonderful rest of your day.