In this heartfelt episode of 'Finding the Guardian of Your Soul,' join us as former client, Elaine, shares her poignant and inspiring quest for love after losing her husband. Elaine talks openly about how Lisa’s course, Emotionally Naked Dating, was the catalyst for change in her dating life during a difficult stage. Lisa and Elaine’s candid conversation lays bare the challenges and revelations of her journey as a widow grappling with her return to the dating scene. She shares the ways in which END rekindled her confidence and enabled her to navigate the complex world of modern dating with grace and determination. Elaine shares the beautiful story of how she met her incredible partner online. He matched everything she was looking for (and more), and best of all she felt ready to be with him after the incredible work she had done on herself. Elaine's story is not just about finding love after loss, it's a celebration of rediscovering herself in pursuit of connection and the belief in the possibility of a soulmate at any stage in life. Her story is inspirational, relatable, and so full of hope. This episode is certain to touch your heart and make you think. Tune in to witness a true reflection on loneliness, growth, and the brave leap into the arms of fate.
What You’ll Hear In This Episode:
- Challenges faced when dating as a widow
- Balancing the program's time commitment with personal life
- The value of investing in personal growth and dating success
- Feelings of loneliness and lack of control in the dating process
- Finding confidence and determination to pursue love again
- Learning from past relationships through the program
- Overcoming grief and reevaluating life priorities after loss
- Embracing femininity and letting go of anxious attachment styles
- Open communication and shared commitments establishing a strong connection
- The "final five" approach and focusing on compatibility
- The non-linear approach of the program and its advantages over traditional therapy
- Success in finding a fulfilling relationship with a previously divorced man
The Power of Spontaneity: "And I was actually surprised because I don't do spontaneous things typically. I always make long and hard decisions and I do all the analysis and think about. But I guess we just clicked and I made that spontaneous decision at the end of our call, which was supposed to be an hour and a half."
— Elaine
Understanding Grief Cycles in Retirement: "Because I was also having grief cycles from the retirement, which I didn't have the first or second year after I lost my husband."
— Elaine
Reflecting on Past Relationships: "I think the piece that resonates with me the most is the exercise where you go back and do an analysis of your past relationship, from your parents to people you dated, to people you were married. And it's a group, but it's individual. And I was scared to death to do it on my late husband. Right. And I talked to Rebecca, my coach, and, you know, this one worries me, because I try to think of all of the positives, and you have to come up with positives and negatives. I haven't tried to think backwards, well, this could have been better, and that could have been better because he passed and he had a good marriage. Well, I did the exercise, and it shocked me because he had a lot of the traits that all of my past relationships had."
— Elaine
Embracing Femininity and Overcoming Attachment Styles: "And being able to step back and let the guy be the guy and be playful, that was hard for me, being playful. But you gave all the tips and the tricks and the samples and the other women that we can talk to all the time, we all kind of come up with little things that we could do."
— Elaine
Exploring Modern Dating: "Because what I wanted to do was get comfortable with the whole process, tap into my naked data, and be curious and open minded."
— Elaine
Dating Priorities and Compatibility: "Even if he had the money, he'd be uncomfortable, and so I would use that as my. Instead of just, oh, he doesn't make enough money to do what I want to do because, I don't know, maybe he's got millions, but does he like to travel the way? Does he like to eat out the places I like to eat? Does he like to do the things I like to do?"
— Elaine
The Power of Vulnerability in New Relationships: "I went in this with, I'm going to just be open and vulnerable because I don't have time, right? I could be dead tomorrow, so I want to make sure this is the right fit."
— Elaine
Finding Love in the Digital Age: "And that's what started our connection, because I had also gone through a journey where I lost a bunch of weight, too. So we had that in common."
— Elaine
Personal Development Courses: "And it makes you feel so good after you take it that you actually start looking forward to it."
— Elaine
Investing in Personal Growth: "Who better to invest in is me. What I didn't know is how much value I would get out of it until I started down the process. And to me, I got every dollar out of it and to justify it."
— Elaine
Lisa Shield [00:00:00]:
Hello, everybody. I'm Lisa Shield, and this is finding the guardian of your soul. It is wonderful to see you today, and I am so excited. These are my favorite episode of all because I get to reconnect with clients myself and share them and their stories with all of you.
Lisa Shield [00:00:33]:
And I know we get so many emails from our listeners saying how inspiring it is to hear success stories, especially when we hear so many horror stories about dating and how hard it is. So I have one of our success stories here today. Elaine, I would love it if you would take a moment and introduce yourself, tell everyone just a little bit about you, and then we will talk about your journey through.
Elaine [00:01:09]:
Okay. Hi, everyone. I'm Elaine. I've been a widow for five years and entered the dating space about three years ago and ran into the same type of situation that a lot of people have where it's just like, this is so hard. It's something that's so different than what I was experiencing. I didn't know how to do it. I just met people over and over and over again and it was the same, different person, same story, same result. A first date, maybe a second date.
Elaine [00:01:42]:
Lots of ghosting, lots of people talking to me that I never even got to a date. So I found Lisa. We had a wonderful conversation.
Lisa Shield [00:01:52]:
Can I pause you for a second? Because people always love these sort of serendipitous stories of how you found Lisa. How did you find so interesting?
Elaine [00:02:05]:
Enough. I was talking to a friend about dating horrors. And your phones are always listening. Sounds so paranoid. So Facebook ad showed up and there you were. And I clicked on it and it talked about what I liked about you. And I'd never looked into dating coaches before, but what I liked about your summary was you focused on very successful women who can't be successful in dating. And it resonated with me because I've always been successful in my career.
Elaine [00:02:38]:
I head down focused. I can accomplish what I want. If I say I'm going to do it, I did it. And that worked for everything in my life except for the dating, at least the last few years. I just didn't know what I was doing wrong.
Lisa Shield [00:02:51]:
I'm going to pause you for a moment because this is a key point that I'd love to dig into a little bit. What did it feel like for you? Because we just talked right before we started the interview, and you said, I worked hard. I'm retired now. I haven't worked for two years, and I know you were quite successful in your career. What was it like to have to go out in the dating world and feel like you didn't have control over the outcome of this part of your life?
Elaine [00:03:30]:
Oh, it was scary. And my confidence level was dropping. And I'd look at, like, what am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me? I'm never going to find anybody. I'm going to be alone. I had lots of friends who told me, just, you need to live by yourself and like being alone. But we're human, right? We're not made to live by ourselves. We're not made to not have a partner. What people didn't understand is, yeah, I had lots of friends.
Elaine [00:04:00]:
I have a huge circle of friends that I've made. I go to parties. I do social functions. I even travel. But when the end of the day happens and you go home, you're by yourself and there's no one to talk about what you did. And when I was working, because I started this journey when I was working, I had gotten a job offer that came out of nowhere and it would have impacted my retirement. And it was something I'd been working my whole career for and I had no one to talk to about it. And it's really hard.
Elaine [00:04:34]:
And you beat yourself up and you know that you're so successful in so many other parts of your life except this. And it's so hard to understand why all your friends can't help and they don't get it.
Lisa Shield [00:04:48]:
They don't get it. And I think that it's so horrifying because you think, on paper, I have a great career. I have a retirement, I have savings. I mean, I'm a fun, vivacious, outgoing woman. I laugh a lot. I'm fun to be with. I've got a million friends. Why isn't there a great guy for me?
Elaine [00:05:21]:
Yeah, exactly. And you sit there and you think, this just doesn't make any sense. I have so much to offer. And then you start getting arrogant. Why so much to offer? And that doesn't go out well on a date. And then you're like, well, am I not skinny enough? Am I not pretty enough? You start to just really just beat yourself up in ways that then you're not being yourself. So now it's like, am I saying too much? Am I too overbearing? It was just really difficult. And it was sad because you're still alone.
Elaine [00:05:57]:
Right. And then I would date people just to fill my time. And then you're really attracting the wrong people. Right? Because it's like, okay, this is going to be a bad weekend, so let me just date a bunch of people. And then I would play down what I did for a living. I thought about even buying another car so that when I showed up for the date, it wasn't my car because I would get comments on my car. Right. And it's like, I don't want them to want me because I was successful.
Elaine [00:06:29]:
It was a vicious cycle.
Lisa Shield [00:06:31]:
Wow. And can you talk about being widowed? Because that's also another part of your story. You didn't think you were going to going to have to go out and start dating again at this stage of life. Right? You thought that you could retire and you and your husband, your former husband would. These were going to be your golden years.
Elaine [00:06:58]:
Yeah. We had planned to both retire in our fifty s and travel. Not that we didn't do stuff when we were working. We'd made time to do stuff when we were working. We never put stuff aside and said, we'll do it when we're retired. What we wanted to do was more of it and have more fun and stay longer in places and just enjoy things. And my late husband got cancer at 56. And it was sad.
Elaine [00:07:31]:
He was supposed to retire 58, so he passed before he retired. And he had a huge plan. For years. He knew exactly what he wanted to do where I was still struggling, what am I going to do when I'm retired? He knew exactly what he wanted to do when we weren't traveling. And he had that all down and he never made it. And that was hard. And it made me think about life differently. It made me think about work differently.
Elaine [00:07:57]:
You never know when tomorrow is your last day and you need to live like that. Because I didn't have regrets because we didn't ever put anything off. And he was such a good person and he was so good for me. And we had a great marriage. It was my second marriage, but, yeah, you just don't expect it to end. And then he got that diagnosis that nobody ever wants to hear. And it was quick. It was five months from diagnosis to death.
Elaine [00:08:25]:
And you really just do look into yourself and think about, okay, what do I want to do now? Because life, this is a wake up call. And I was working 1214 hours a day. And I stopped doing that. I could still do and be successful, but I took lunch breaks and I spent time with my team and I would do social things, more social things, and I focused on more things that I liked. And I also separated myself from people who were toxic and changed, who I circled myself with.
Lisa Shield [00:09:04]:
That's wonderful. Yeah, go ahead.
Elaine [00:09:09]:
But I also knew I'm in my fifty s. I hope to live till I'm in my ninety s. And I don't want to be alone for the next 30 years. So to me, I knew pretty soon, and we had talked about it even before he passed, that I was going to not stay home and be alone the rest of my life. I was going to go find someone to share my life with. I found love once, I can do it again. And then boom. Wow.
Elaine [00:09:35]:
It was not as easy as I thought it was going to be.
Lisa Shield [00:09:38]:
Yeah. And especially it's a whole different ballgame. I don't know. How long were you with your former husband?
Elaine [00:09:46]:
15 years.
Lisa Shield [00:09:47]:
15 years. So it's different. So different in your 30s. It's very different than dating in your 50s or 60s. Yeah. So I popped out, the Facebook gods were listening and there I was. And you saw, what did you think when you first saw my ad in your feed?
Elaine [00:10:11]:
I looked at it and went, there's nothing to lose here. Let me at least click on it. And I watched the little, I think there was a 45 minutes video. So I watched that and it resonated me. And then it said, schedule, time to have a one on one. I was like, well, all right, well, let me just talk and see if this is real. Right, because you're skeptical. It's on Facebook.
Elaine [00:10:36]:
And I did have my one on one with you and it was incredible because what you were saying was everything I was thinking. And I was actually surprised because I don't do spontaneous things typically. I always make long and hard decisions and I do all the analysis and think about. But I guess we just clicked and I made that spontaneous decision at the end of our call, which was supposed to be an hour and a half. I think it went two. And as soon as I hung up, I was like, oh, my gosh, what have I done? Oh, wow. But the best thing is, before we hung up, you said, I know you're not signed up yet, you just registered and you haven't gotten your stuff, but we have this call every Tuesday. It was a Tuesday and we have all the women in the program on the call.
Elaine [00:11:27]:
Why don't you join that? And I was so happy that I did because I didn't have that overnight thinking about, oh, my gosh, what have I done? Because within ten minutes of being on the call and seeing all the women on that call who were just like me, all different ages, backgrounds, but professional, experienced, successful women all saying the same thing that I've been thinking and then talking about it, because they're in different stages of the program, their success stories and their questions and changing the way they think. And date was like, oh, wow, I could do this. This is it. This is great. I'm going to do this well.
Lisa Shield [00:12:11]:
And you're seeing women who look like you and sound like you, right? Like everybody who's in this program. These are real people, real women.
Elaine [00:12:22]:
Absolutely.
Lisa Shield [00:12:22]:
Just like you, who are incredibly successful. They have done everything they could possibly do to position themselves to be ready for a great partner, and bam, nothing. Right? Yeah.
Elaine [00:12:39]:
And to hear them, there was one woman that was talking about, it was like a third or fourth date, and they went to a park, and their dates were always at the park, but she kind of mentioned in the way that you had taught her, which to me, I didn't understand yet to ask for more. And then the next date, he showed up with more, and I was like, wow, you could just do that? And it happened and wait, okay, I've got to see what this is all about. Right? I was so excited to get started, and I made it a priority. It became my priority for the next three months to do the program I scheduled on my calendar. I planned things around all of the sessions and the webinars and all the training videos, and it was important to me, and it helped me in more than just dating. Right. Because I was also having grief cycles from the retirement, which I didn't have the first or second year after I lost my husband. But now I'm sitting here in retirement.
Elaine [00:13:45]:
That was so different. And I was going through grief about being alone. And I had actually gotten a therapist who was not helping at all. So I fired her and focused on the program. And there were so many parts of the program that was just learning about yourself and your thoughts and what you've done in the past and what you're going to do in the future. That. That helped me overcome all of it.
Lisa Shield [00:14:11]:
Wow. Go ahead. I'm sorry. No, I was going to say about the exercises and what you learned. It sounds like you were very fortunate in your marriage that you had a great guy and you met a wonderful man now, having done the work, because the work is pretty intense, right? Yes.
Elaine [00:14:36]:
The first four weeks. Yeah.
Lisa Shield [00:14:38]:
This is not dating light. This is really a journey. All of the things nobody ever taught you or putting all these pieces of this puzzle together in a way that is not linear or it's not like, oh, so make a list of all the things you want in a partner. It's very organic, the way the program is all structured, and it goes incredibly deep very fast. Can you talk about some of the work that you did?
Elaine [00:15:12]:
Yeah. I think the piece that resonates with me the most is the exercise where you go back and do an analysis of your past relationship, from your parents to people you dated, to people you were married. And it's a group, but it's individual. And I was scared to death to do it on my late husband. Right. And I talked to Rebecca, my coach, and, you know, this one worries me, because I try to think of all of the positives, and you have to come up with positives and negatives. I haven't tried to think backwards, well, this could have been better, and that could have been better because he passed and he had a good marriage. Well, I did the exercise, and it shocked me because he had a lot of the traits that all of my past relationships had.
Lisa Shield [00:16:06]:
Oh, God.
Elaine [00:16:08]:
And it highlighted some of the areas where it did bother me, but I just didn't address it right. And if he lived till 90 and we both passed, that would have been fine. We would have had a great marriage. But now I have an opportunity to have a fantastic life, to get 100% of what I'm looking for. And I wouldn't say that I settled, because who I am now is so much better. Once I met my late husband and how he changed me and my family. But there were aspects that were in our relationship. That is in my final five now that I didn't have, and that would bother me, and now it's a focus to find that.
Elaine [00:16:58]:
So doing that exercise, I cried. We talked, spent a lot of time on that, where I got everything else done the week that it was scheduled, that one, I took the extra time, an extra week or so. We talked to Rebecca, and she narrowed down on when we talked about what the things were for my final five and how that related to my lead husband. So she knew to pull that out, and that's part of the grief that helped me learn how I can take the positive out of the prior relationship and grow it into something even better. And he would be proud of me because that's what he'd want me to do.
Lisa Shield [00:17:36]:
And how empowering is it at the end of all of that to really have that level of clarity that nobody gives you? Therapy doesn't give you. Nobody. You may process one relationship at a time, one event, whatever event is happening in your life, but I don't know of a therapist or another process where you go back and you literally put all of the pieces of that puzzle together so that once you get back out in the dating world, you go out in a whole new way. Talk about your profile and your pictures. What was that like?
Elaine [00:18:18]:
Oh, well, that was incredible. So the whole exercise, getting to the final five, figuring out what I want, having, sending that all off to Benjamin and him, writing the profile and then getting it back and reading it was just shocking because it's my words, but written in a way that I never would have thought to have written it, that it was, it was laying out your soul, right? And I'm used to six, seven sentences, bullets on a dating app. And here it is. It's like this whole lengthy, this is everything. This is me. I'm burying my soul. Take it or leave it. And if you don't want this, then keep swiping.
Elaine [00:19:05]:
Right? Move on. But lay it all out because I'm very specific and I'm going to intentionally date to find my guardian of my soul. And I did. Then the pictures, that was hard too, because I thought I was taking some really good pictures. And then the feedback I got was like, oh, this doesn't do you justice. And it's like, wow, okay. I thought I looked really good, but then the exercise of taking the pictures with the photographer, we went to a park and I live in Tampa, so we went to a park in downtown Tampa. And you really feel like you're a model.
Elaine [00:19:46]:
I mean, you're out there. I did five different clothing changes all through the park. She's taking pictures. When the pictures came back, you saw your soul coming through. It was amazing. So everybody that I knew looked at the pictures. They were in shock about, wow, this is you. But you look so great, right? Better than all the selfies.
Elaine [00:20:12]:
And you want to add a couple of selfies so people don't think you're fake, right? Because they're professional pictures. But there was a couple of professional pictures that really did it, that there were a couple of people I dated that commented on them. We'll talk about Bill in a little while. But Bill was captivated by both my profile and my pictures. And it was a really empowering and confidence building exercise. It really was.
Lisa Shield [00:20:43]:
And to feel like, wow, look at me, I'm in my fifty s and I look damn good. This woman really captured me. And we only really want to be the best version of ourselves we can possibly be, right? Absolutely. And we don't realize until we take that extra step with the photos, right? Like, you thought your selfies were pretty good, but then you put these out there, and why not put your best self out there, right?
Elaine [00:21:23]:
Absolutely.
Lisa Shield [00:21:24]:
That's so beautiful. I love that. I love that you felt like a supermodel out there being photographed. It's such a wonderful feeling.
Elaine [00:21:34]:
It is. And you guys made it so easy because you sent the list of photographers and you said what to wear, and the photographer knew how to take the pictures because she'd worked with your clients before. And I brought friends so that they made me laugh the whole time. So it was fun. It was easy. It wasn't stressful. It was a really good experience.
Lisa Shield [00:21:59]:
And then the next, once you get back out there, Elaine, the rest of the course is really about communication, asking for what you want, understanding men. A big part of the course is showing you that you don't have to be the youngest, prettiest, slimmest woman in the world. You need to know how to make a man feel like a king when he's around you. Just like you want him to make you feel like a queen. And when you do that, that's what makes this all work. It's not rocket science. In fact, I think our goal is to simplify the process and really empower women to take what we call the feminine lead and also to be able to mirror a man's masculinity back to him, right?
Elaine [00:22:58]:
And that was something I had to learn, because in my career, it was me and a bunch of men in the conference rooms, the boardrooms, right? And I had to be very masculine, and I couldn't show my emotions. I couldn't get angry. I couldn't get sad. I couldn't get upset. I had to prove every single time that I was there for a reason and not to get coffee. And it was hard, right? And I was successful at that. But going into dates that way, when I did go on a date, I would walk up through the door first, I'd open it up, and I would check in without even thinking. Yet the back of my mind was always like, wow, it'd be really nice.
Elaine [00:23:47]:
Look at that guy. He opened the door for her. He opened the car door. He opened the restaurant door. He sat her down at the table. How do I get a guy like that? Obviously, I'm not good enough for a guy like that, right? I have to take charge. And the guys that I was dating originally liked that. Right? That's what they wanted, is a woman to take charge.
Elaine [00:24:07]:
But then I would be feeling left. So teaching us how to tap into our femininity, which was hard, is probably easier for me because I'm not working. So I was able to just put that life away and step into who was really there all the time. Right. And being able to step back and let the guy be the guy and be playful, that was hard for me, being playful. But you gave all the tips and the tricks and the samples and the other women that we can talk to all the time, we all kind of come up with little things that we could do. And it was night and day, just even matching with people and chatting with them and experimenting, knowing that he's out there and just keep going and not focusing on a single match. And that was the other thing, that understanding my attachment style, which was anxious, and I would focus on a single match, and then I would get anxious.
Elaine [00:25:14]:
He's not texting me. He's not responding. He's not asking me out. Pushing, when can we meet? When can we meet? Right? And then ghost. Right? It's like scaring the hell out of them. Sorry. So the whole dating a whole bunch of people at the same time and dating them not going, boom, right into a committed relationship, but dating them took away all of my anxiousness because I didn't have time to think about it. And every time I would start to date someone a little bit more, and I was like, no, I don't really want to talk to anybody else.
Elaine [00:25:51]:
I just want to see how things go boom. The anxious would come back, because now I'm sitting around waiting. He's not texting, he's not calling. So then I would go in and start swiping again, and it would instantly go away. And it's like, okay, I can do this. And then having the conversations. I've met a few guys that on the first date, it's like, well, let's go ahead and not meet or talk to anybody else. And I was like, well, I want to take things slow, and I'm going to continue to date other people.
Elaine [00:26:20]:
And I had that conversation, which I'd never done before. It was always like, oh, wow, he wants to just date me, right? But he probably wasn't right, or it was the wrong match or for all the wrong reasons. And so using all those tips and tapping into my femininity and not committing right away and taking the time to make sure that they meet the final five really helped. My anxious is gone.
Lisa Shield [00:26:52]:
And what about the profile? Did you start attracting a much higher caliber man? Once you add the pictures and the.
Elaine [00:26:59]:
Profile, it was a mix, so it was a mix, but I didn't exclude or limit, right. Because what I wanted to do was get comfortable with the whole process, tap into my naked data, and be curious and open minded. So when I met a guy, and we got along really well on the app, and we texted and he asked me out, and then we started talking about what he did for a living, and he said he worked for Lowe's. So I'm like, okay, well, maybe he's retired, and he does this as a side gig because he's bored. So we'd have another date, and we tapped a little bit more into that, and he's, like, calling all the time, and he wants to be with me and stuff, but, no, that's his real job, right. I was, like, not part of my final five. We have too many things not in common. And I would start talking about things like the way I travel, because I knew that he wouldn't be able to travel the way that I travel.
Elaine [00:28:04]:
Even if he had the money, he'd be uncomfortable, and so I would use that as my. Instead of just, oh, he doesn't make enough money to do what I want to do because, I don't know, maybe he's got millions, but does he like to travel the way? Does he like to eat out the places I like to eat? Does he like to do the things I like to do? So I tapped more into that, and I practiced, and as soon as I knew that this wasn't my final five, then I would let him down. It's not going to work for us. And then I moved on. But he wasn't the only one, because I had been dating. I would be talking to at least, or having dates with other people at the same time. So it was a really good experience. At the beginning, I was dating three to four people at a time, talking to them, going out on dates with them.
Elaine [00:28:52]:
The dates went faster. I did attract higher caliber people. I've met some very wealthy men who were very successful in their businesses and their jobs and realized that they didn't meet my final five because they were so self absorbed. And this is just the people I met. Self absorbed and had so much baggage. One guy, we talked for a week on the phone, he lived 3 hours away. So it took a while for us to date, but we met halfway and had lunch, and we were exactly like our pictures and everything, and we had great conversations. But then lunch just crashed and burned because my nephew triggered his ex wife, right.
Elaine [00:29:40]:
And he got ugly. Right. And it was the weirdest thing, and he was already jumping to divorce and me wanting his money, even though he knew I was successful and retired. It just snapped. And so it was kind of interesting. So I went the whole realm, and it helped me refine one of the line items in my final five about being financially my equivalent or stable. It was more of, like you talked about having the right thought process and upbringing and values, regardless of where they are from a financial standpoint, and making sure that we're more aligned in that aspect.
Lisa Shield [00:30:22]:
So flash forward. I don't remember when you graduated. How long has it been?
Elaine [00:30:32]:
It was in January, right after the holiday.
Lisa Shield [00:30:36]:
So about almost a year, right?
Elaine [00:30:40]:
Yes. The course in October of last year. So it's been about a year.
Lisa Shield [00:30:46]:
So about a year and six months ago, you met a wonderful man.
Elaine [00:30:55]:
Yeah, it was interesting because I had met three men. It was Memorial Day weekend. Whatever. About the week before. And I matched with.
Lisa Shield [00:31:06]:
Excuse me, I'm on a call, honey, I'm doing an interview. Thank you. Thanks, honey. We'll edit that out.
Elaine [00:31:16]:
But he brought you water. Isn't that sweet?
Lisa Shield [00:31:19]:
It's very sweet. Okay, I'll have her at the 340 mark. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I'll have her edit that out. Go ahead.
Lisa Shield [00:31:34]:
Let's go back. So, elaine, let's move the tape forward. Th you met a wonderful man.
Elaine [00:31:44]:
I did. So I had actually met three. I had matched with three guys all around the same time, two different apps, and was texting and talking with them and arranged for dates for the whole following weekend. So I had a date on Thursday for lunch, and then that lunch turned into a Friday lunch. And then I had a different date on Saturday and then another one on Sunday. All different guys, right? All first dates. And I was like, yep, this is the way it's supposed to work. And the Thursday guy was really fun.
Elaine [00:32:18]:
We had another date Friday. I thought this could be something, but we'll see. Then. Bill was the guy I met. I had lunch with him on. Ah, it wasn't the best date. We've talked about that. And before the program, I probably never would have dated him again.
Elaine [00:32:36]:
I probably would never have accepted the second date, even though he asked me out before we parted. We had lunch, and then he asked me out for dinner on Monday. I had another date on Sunday with someone else. That was great. It went all day. And I was super excited about him. So I was super excited about two of the three and not so great about Bill. So Monday I show up, and the Saturday date was, he just talked too much.
Elaine [00:33:07]:
He talked about his ex wife. And he talked about himself, and I was like, okay, I have to tap into my naked data and I have to be curious. Is he self absorbed or is he nervous? Right? Maybe he's super nervous and he can't stop talking, right. But he opened doors for me. He did everything else. And we had had great conversations during the week. So Monday we get there and I said, I'll be honest with you. I'm in a kind of funky mood.
Elaine [00:33:38]:
So if I'm not my sprite and happy self, it's because I'm kind of sad. And we had dinner, and he doesn't talk about his ex himself. We have good conversation, and about halfway through dinner, he says, this is just fantastic. I like you so much. This is such a great dinner. And I said, well, I'll be honest with you. I have some concerns, and I never ever would have done that, right? I would have just run. And we talked through them.
Elaine [00:34:10]:
Dinner lasted 4 hours. We talked through the concerns and they weren't deal breakers. It was just stuff that I needed to get over. And one of them was he had an 18 year old son who lived with him still in high school, and my daughter's been out of school for a decade and a half. So I've moved on from that part of my life and trying to understand, do I want to reenter that whole situation with newly launching teenager. Right? So we talked about it and we talked it out, and he thanked me for bringing that up. And he's like, we're going to work through this. And then he asked me out again for another date later that week, and he took it with a really romantic dinner that he scheduled.
Elaine [00:35:02]:
It was in a restaurant where there was a private sitting area. So it was just the two of us. And it just progressed, and it just got better and better. And we talked through it, and I talked about the program, and the other two guys actually ghosted me, but I was still swiping. I was trying to add more people so I wouldn't be anxious. We talked about how I wasn't going to commit anything yet, even though he wanted to. And I said, we need to take things really slow. And instead of rushing me like a lot of the other guys, when I said I want to take things slow, he was like, I fully agree because I really want to continue to get to know you before we get physical or intimate.
Elaine [00:35:54]:
I want to understand. Let us build that. So we had more dates, and I shared with him my guardian of the soul letter, the letter that we write at the beginning.
Lisa Shield [00:36:07]:
Your guardian of the soul.
Elaine [00:36:10]:
And I hadn't read it in months, right. I did it and put it away, and I pulled it out as we were just talking about the program one afternoon, and I pulled it out, and he read it, and he's like, oh, my God, this describes me. And it did. It was so shocking. But he's got the final five. He did just recently get divorced. And one of the things I learned with the attachment styles is you got to jump on those pretty fast, because a lot of the people who are out in the dating world are avoidance. And I saw them in the apps over the three years.
Elaine [00:36:48]:
The same people kept popping up. Right. So he was new, but he had started working on himself a year before, and so he lost a lot of weight, and he was in therapy, and he started lifting weights in the gym and restarting his career and just completely reworked himself just like I did. So that was really refreshing. So we kind of both went through the same type of metamorphosis, and now we're two better people that are now helping each other get even better, and it's fun.
Lisa Shield [00:37:30]:
And Elaine Wynn, how long did it take you to realize that this guy really was your guy? It sounds like this is a pretty solid thing. You just celebrated six months, right? And I see pictures. He's adorable. What a sweetheart. He oozes warmth and sweetness. I mean, you can see it in the photos. And the energy between the two of you is magnificent.
Elaine [00:38:09]:
It happened pretty fast. It was also interesting because it wasn't fireworks, right, which is what we all expect to have, the fireworks. And, wow, this is so exciting. And I had it before, but it was nothing. It was fake. Right. This was just a slow build of just feeling safe and good, and I can count on him. And it was probably about six, seven weeks in.
Elaine [00:38:43]:
We'd both gone on a vacation, but we still talked every day. And so we didn't see each other for over a week, came back, and then we planned a trip away together. And we both bear all of our history, our souls, like stuff that you normally would wait a little longer to share, but we shared everything. Right? Because I went in this with, I'm going to just be open and vulnerable because I don't have time, right? I could be dead tomorrow, so I want to make sure this is the right fit. And he felt the same way, and we shared stuff, and we talked through it. Anytime I feel like I'm concerned about something, or we bring it up and we have a conversation, and it brings us closer. So probably about six to eight weeks in. I committed about four weeks in and stopped dating other people.
Elaine [00:39:45]:
And we just focused on trying to build up us, and we're making long term plans. Like, we're talking about future goals and trips, know, as he continues in his real estate career, he's talking, know, doing, setting goals for us, not him. And so it's really exciting.
Lisa Shield [00:40:06]:
Oh, Elaine, I'm so happy for you. And do you think that you mentioned that you wouldn't have probably seen him again after that first date if it hadn't been for the course?
Elaine [00:40:19]:
I probably wouldn't even have swiped on his profile. Right. Actually, if you take it back, his pictures were horrible, right? He had just a couple of words on there they were gym pictures, right. Because he was proud of himself, because he had lost all that weight and was building up into his body. So they were all gym pictures. And I was like, but he talked about how he just went through this whole lifestyle change and lost a bunch of weight, and he went through this. So I swiped on him and said, tell me about your journey. Right.
Elaine [00:40:55]:
And that's what started our connection, because I had also gone through a journey where I lost a bunch of weight, too. So we had that in common. But I probably would have just kept swiping honestly. And then we had the great conversations. And then, yeah, if it wasn't for the course, I probably wouldn't have swiped on him any jokes about how I swiped first and then the first date, I probably wouldn't have had a second one because I've had dates where they talk about themselves, and I'm like, they talk about themselves too much. In fact, sometimes I don't even get to the date because they don't ask questions about me in the texting. And I originally thought, they're not asking me questions, they're not interested. Until one of the sessions we had.
Elaine [00:41:39]:
And Benjamin's like, no, guys don't ask questions. You have to feed them. And I was like, oh, I have to feed them. So then I started doing that. When I asked them a question, I would also give them my answer, and that would feed a conversation. And it changed the texting. It didn't stop so fast as it used to because I'd be waiting for them to ask me a question.
Lisa Shield [00:42:04]:
That's great.
Elaine [00:42:06]:
Everything I learned in the course is where I credit that to be where I am right now.
Lisa Shield [00:42:14]:
Well, and I also think the quality of, would you eventually have met somebody? I think so, because you're just delightful. You're such a warm, beautiful woman inside and out. And so I couldn't imagine, Elaine, you not having met someone. But I also think the quality of the relationship, when you're so conscious and you do, it's not even that much work. All we're asking really is twelve weeks. We do follow up courses. But you didn't do them, right? Did you do SSW? I didn't.
Elaine [00:42:56]:
I always had that in my back pocket because I knew that I could, but I wanted to see if I could. It was like work, right? I'm going to do this. This is my project and I'm going to be successful at it. And I'm going to give it a year and see if I can do it without having to go to the next class. And there were times that I went back to the coursework, looked at some of the notes that I took, relooked at a couple of the videos, right. Because it's all accessible to us to refresh myself, right? And I still use what I learned in the course in our relationship, right. Because to me, it doesn't end at the date. It doesn't end, right.
Elaine [00:43:38]:
Who I am and being vulnerable and having open communication and tapping into my feminine and letting him be masculine, that's going to make our relationship complete. Right? And the best it could be.
Lisa Shield [00:43:53]:
Yeah, well. And it's what we long for. And it's so gratifying. It's so soul satisfying to actually be able to be cherished and adored. I felt just like you. I'd look at these other women and think, why her and not me?
Elaine [00:44:11]:
Exactly.
Lisa Shield [00:44:13]:
I'm such a good person. Like, why are men tripping over themselves? And some women are not even nice. They're just entitled and men are.
Elaine [00:44:23]:
And they play games and they're nasty and they cheat. And I'm like, I had a couple of single friends I met at meetups and I'm watching them date and I'm like, how are they getting all these dates? They're just awful to the guys. And I have so much to offer. What's wrong with me, right?
Lisa Shield [00:44:44]:
And I'm nice. I'm appreciative. What's wrong with this picture? What site did you meet him on? Did you meet.
Elaine [00:44:53]:
I met him on hinge.
Lisa Shield [00:44:54]:
On hinge. Everybody wants to always, you know. I'm sure you tried many different sites along the way. Did you, Elaine? Yeah.
Elaine [00:45:04]:
So I tried a bunch in the last three years. The ones I started after the course was hinge bumble. I did silver singles in my area. It wasn't good. It was mostly for scammers but it was hinge. Bumble and match were the three that I used. And hinge is really slow, but I didn't pay for it, I just used the free version because the pay doesn't give you much more. But hinge I'd meet maybe somebody every month.
Elaine [00:45:42]:
It was slow, but that's who I ended up meeting him on. Bumble was more a variety of people. Match was also slow, but match allowed me to put my full detail in hinge. I was able to break it up into chunks. Bumble was the hardest to get the profile into, but I was able to get enough of it in the little sections.
Lisa Shield [00:46:07]:
Well, Benjamin writes a mini profile for does. He calls it a dating haiku. Before we end, which I don't want to end, but before we end, I think the biggest hurdle for most women, there are two hurdles, and I would love for you to address them. For women who are hesitating to do this, and they're time and money. Many women, especially if they're still working or they're mothers, they still have children at home, they're very concerned about the time factor and it is a commitment. But for me, if they're already busy and worried about time, the structure of the program to me is exactly what they need. Because how else are they going to fit this into their busy lives and more time will go by. It's not the time that the twelve weeks of the course, it's all the time they're going to lose out on and not have their guy because they're waiting for the right time to do this.
Lisa Shield [00:47:13]:
So can you speak to the time factor? Because that's a big objection that we get.
Elaine [00:47:19]:
Yeah, so there's a twice a week meeting. I just schedule that and I made sure I hit at least one of the two. And they're different times of the day. So if I was working, I could do the evening one. That would have been no problem. It's just 2 hours and it's valuable. It's so invaluable. And you just schedule it like anything else.
Elaine [00:47:45]:
And it makes you feel so good after you take it that you actually start looking forward to it. Every week. The courses, you have to be a little self motivated and you have to schedule time for that too. But because you chomp them up in the little bits and pieces over the twelve, well, there's like eight weeks worth over twelve weeks, but they're quick. So you could sit down at lunch and do two of them and watch the videos, do the little coursework if you miss something, you can go back and listen to it again. The one that takes the most time probably, is the exercise where you're going back to your relationship inventory. But it's so well worth it when you're doing it that you don't even realize that you set some time aside to do it when it's quiet. And if you have kids, you could do it before they wake up or after they go to bed at night.
Elaine [00:48:43]:
And it's really good because you're spending time on you. But I treated this as a project focused on me and my life. And what's more important than that? Because whether you have kids or family members, if you're not happy and you're not fulfilled, then you can't give it to other people either. And that was hard to understand because I was always giving to others. But you got to look at yourself and take the time for you. And you could really do it by spending 30 minutes to an hour a day. You don't have to do it all at once. And you get through the whole thing in less than a week, so you can get it chopped up and done.
Elaine [00:49:29]:
And the way the courses are structured, you don't forget. Like, if you watch something on Monday and then came back on Wednesday, it's not going to throw you off. You don't have to watch it concurrent. You're not going to be taking a big test at the end. It's more about you, and it's almost better to do it in pieces so you can think about what you just learned or watched or run through an exercise.
Lisa Shield [00:49:53]:
Yeah. And then the other piece of it, Elaine, is the really, it's an investment. And I know it is an investment. I will tell you, running a business, like running any kind of business, any business woman would understand that running a business and having a company, it's expensive. It is very expensive. We have a team now of, I think, six people. There's six women on our team, not including Benjamin and me. So that's eight people to run this.
Lisa Shield [00:50:39]:
And then all of our ancillary know. So it's a big thing. But talk about the investment for women who are saying, that's so much money, or I can't do this. What would you tell that woman?
Elaine [00:50:58]:
Like I said, when I gave you that credit card that day and bought it, I was like, what have I just done? I spent a lot of money. But then I thought about it. It's on me. I worked hard for that money. Who better to invest in is me. What I didn't know is how much value I would get out of it until I started down the process. And to me, I got every dollar out of it and to justify it. So I have a financial advisor that helped me retire early, and I share with her big dollar expenses like that, right? And I said, I spent this money on a dating coach, and it sounds so trivial, right, but you're more than that, right? And as I explained everything to her, she says, so tell me, how many hours are you spending on yourself to do that? And we did the math, and she knew I was being a therapist.
Elaine [00:51:48]:
It actually was less money than my copay for the therapist, right. Because I was getting her an hour a month, and I was paying a copay of $300, and she was falling asleep on the Zoom calls, right. I mean, I was getting nothing out of that. And I spent a chunk of money on that. And she's like, you're actually getting more value out of this. And then to see the benefits beyond the dating, right. It helped me with every relationship with my friends, with my family. It helps me be more open and vulnerable with people and to think about them and share and to remove the toxic people or the people I was hanging around with, because I was settling, even though I wasn't dating them, they were just friends.
Elaine [00:52:35]:
But people who brought me down, when I looked at all of that and everything that I learned and everything that I've grown from it, then the investment, to me, was 100% worth it.
Lisa Shield [00:52:47]:
Yeah. Well, I want you to just think about Bill, right? And if you were to think the price tag of Bill was this course, what have you ever, I mean, your car cost you many times than that, your house. And this is a human being that you will spend, you will laugh with, you will open your. Share your heart with, you'll cry together, you'll go on vacation. I mean, I cannot think of anything when you really. I go through our banner. We have banners on the website of women who have with their guys, like, success stories. And I'm like, and she paid that much for him.
Lisa Shield [00:53:35]:
And she paid that much for him. And she paid that much for him. And I think of all the things, I mean, we blow that. Like you said, some women spend that on Botox and fillers in a year.
Elaine [00:53:49]:
Yeah. Or vacation. That came out of my vacation fund. Dropping ten grand to go away for a week is like, people do that all the time. Every day I hear about somebody else who's just done that. This is life changing the rest of my life. Right?
Lisa Shield [00:54:05]:
Yeah. You look at your college education. You think about all the things. And then women, many women, they keep going back and doing more courses and mbas and this thing and the master's and the PhD and all. And they'll drop it in a second on their education for their career. But for one course, that can get you a guardian of your soul, right? The love of your life. You can't even put a price tag on it when you really look at, uh. Oh, yeah.
Lisa Shield [00:54:40]:
Elaine, I am so glad that we popped up in your Facebook feed.
Elaine [00:54:46]:
Yeah, me too.
Lisa Shield [00:54:47]:
And that you said, know anybody who's listening who relates to Elaine and her story? This would be our ideal client, not just because of your outcome, but because of the way you prioritized the course, the way you opened your heart, the way you were willing to give so many men a chance, the way that you really took everything that we taught you and put it into practice and the result that you got, Elaine, I mean, it's textbook. It's just everything. You're exactly who I made this course for. Exactly. So if you're listening and you relate to Elaine and her journey, then please don't hesitate. Sign up, get a call, click the button, listen to the 45 minutes presentation. I probably haven't changed it since you watched it, Elaine. It's probably the exact same 45 minutes presentation that helped Elaine find Bill.
Lisa Shield [00:56:03]:
Elaine, any last words for women who are listening?
Elaine [00:56:07]:
Just that this was one of the best investments I've done in my life. It's life changing. It worked. You have to have to be open to make changes. And you have to be able to look into yourself because you have to change the way you think. But you're not changing who you are. You're just pulling parts of you out. And it's absolutely worth it.
Elaine [00:56:34]:
And I'm so happy that I made that. I clicked on that button that day.
Lisa Shield [00:56:38]:
Thank you.
Elaine [00:56:39]:
It was life changing, Elaine, thank you.
Lisa Shield [00:56:42]:
And I wish you and Bill a lifetime of happiness.
Elaine [00:56:45]:
Thank you, Lisa.
Lisa Shield [00:56:46]:
Thank you for doing this. I'm Lisa Shield. You can learn more about me and the work that I do, that my team and I do by going to lisashield.com. Click the button all over the website to watch our presentation, and then at the very end, you can sign up for a call. You can also go to forward slash apply. If you know you want to book a call right away. Please let us show you how we can help you find the guardian of your soul. I also do another episode called getting inside the right male mind.
Lisa Shield [00:57:27]:
That is with my husband Benjamin, and many people say that that is such a wonderful, wonderful episode. We do that, and it's all under finding the guardian of your soul. You will also find all the podcast episodes on my website, lisashield.com. And finally, if you have any topics that you would like for us to explore, please send those to podcast@lisashield.com. I'm Lisa Shield. Thank you so much for joining us and come back and see us again. Bye.