Welcome back to "Finding the Guardian of Your Soul®," the podcast that helps you navigate the complexities of dating and relationships. In today's episode, we have a special guest joining us, Jessica! Jessica shares her incredible journey from having a child on her own to working with us and meeting Thom, the Guardian of Her Soul and now ‘father’ of her beautiful daughter. This year, Jessica and Thom were married by Lisa at her home in Santa Fe, NM. Jessica’s story goes against the odds, and it will inspire and empower you. So sit back, relax, and get ready to dive into Jessica's incredible journey on this episode of "Finding the Guardian of Your Soul®"! Continue On Your Journey: Lisa Shield | YouTube | Facebook | Instagram | Book a Call With Lisa Email the podcast at: podcast@lisashield.com
What You'll Hear In This Episode:
- Jessica’s experience utilizing tools and knowledge from coaching to navigate dating experiences
-Jessica’s experience with Lisa’s program as particularly helpful
- Using OkCupid and Bumble for dating
- Not taking things personally and avoiding overanalysis
- Empowering women to ask for what they want
- Jessica’s experience being a single mother and struggling during COVID
- Her desire for a partner and modeling healthy relationships for her child
- Tools and knowledge acquired for handling rejection and inappropriate behavior
- Creating a list of criteria for potential partners
Key quotes:
Continue On Your Journey:
Lisa Shield | YouTube | Facebook | Instagram | Book a Call With Lisa
Email the podcast at: podcast@lisashield.com
Lisa Shield [00:00:00]:
But hello, everybody, and welcome to finding the guardian of your soul. I'm Lisa Shield, and today we have a very, very special guest for you, jessica Ivans. And Jessica did my program. How long ago, Jessica?
Jess Ivins [00:00:21]:
I started December of 2021, so oh, almost two years ago.
Lisa Shield [00:00:26]:
Almost two years ago. Well, she is the first person who will tell you that a lot has changed in two years. We're going to get into all of that. Jessica, would you just start by telling everybody a little bit about you, what you, you know, just a few details so they can feel like they have a little context.
Jess Ivins [00:00:48]:
Sure. I am in my early 40s. I'm a user experience researcher, so I've been in the user experience field for a long time, so I work with people in software to keep it short. I have a daughter, she's about to turn four. She is lovely. She's my favorite person in the world. My husband is probably my second favorite, but because she's my little one, she gets the top. And, you know, I just got married this year.
Jess Ivins [00:01:14]:
You actually married us, you and your husband, Benjamin and another witness married us on your property. It was lovely. Awesome. So I think that's me in a nutshell.
Lisa Shield [00:01:24]:
That's you. Well, I think there's a lot more to your story, but let's roll back the hands of time and go back to 2021. Where were you when you found me and how did you find me?
Jess Ivins [00:01:41]:
Sure. So, a little bit of a backstory. My whole life, I had never really been successful in relationships. Right. I'd been successful with my career, I'd been successful in other areas. And it got to a point where when I was in my late thirty s, I thought I had met the guy who was right for me, and he and I were talking about getting married and I really wanted to have a family. And he turned around and told me at the last minute we were about to get engaged. Right.
Jess Ivins [00:02:09]:
And he turned around and told me, I don't want children. Right.
Lisa Shield [00:02:13]:
Can you start that over? Because for some reason the Google voice and we'll cut that. He told you you were going to get married and have kids, and then you can start there.
Jess Ivins [00:02:31]:
Sure. So I thought I had met a great guy and we were talking about getting married and I wanted to have children, and at the last minute he turned around and said, I don't want children. And I was devastated. So we broke up and I was how old was I? I think I was 37 at the time, and I really wanted a child. So I decided I finally realized, okay, I am the common denominator in all of these failed relationships. So I either need to, number one, work on myself big time and find a good guy and get into a healthy relationship, or number two, just go have a child on my own now because I'm 37 and the clock is ticking. So I chose option two, and I went and I had my daughter. She's donor conceived.
Jess Ivins [00:03:14]:
I've never met her biological father. And everything was going well, all things considered. I had her in late 2019. I went on maternity leave. I went back to work in February of 2020. I thought, okay, I got this. I can manage this. This isn't so bad.
Jess Ivins [00:03:29]:
And then COVID hit and just everything just went down the crapper to keep it clean. I'm trying to keep it clean here, right? But it was just a really awful time. It was so isolating, and I was just in survival mode, trying to be the best version of myself I could be for my daughter. And it was just awful. And so at the tail end of COVID I finally realized, you know what? I don't want to be alone anymore. If COVID taught me anything, it's that life is too short and too hard to spend it without a partner. And I came to this realization that if I met a good man, a good man would make me a better person. A better mother would support me in becoming the person I wanted to be.
Jess Ivins [00:04:10]:
Because working full time, being a single mom during COVID was I could barely function right. And I just knew I wasn't going to be able to. Even though we were coming out of COVID at that point, I just knew I really wanted a partner and I wanted to do it right. I didn't want to go back to business as usual dating because, number one, I didn't have the energy to go through that again. And number two, I didn't want to model that for my daughter. It was really important to me that I modeled a healthy relationship and a healthy marriage for her so that hopefully she would have that when she's older. So I went out on a journey for coaches. So I had worked with coaches in other areas of my life and gotten a lot of benefits.
Jess Ivins [00:04:50]:
So I started searching online for dating coaches. I found you and I found a few other people, and I found that your content resonated with me the most. I felt that it was the most on point. It was speaking to the challenges that I had. You really sounded like you knew what you were doing, and so I signed up for your program. And it was life changing. It really was. I mean, it helped me in so many ways, not just in finding the guardian of my soul, but also in just becoming a better version of the person I've always wanted to be.
Lisa Shield [00:05:21]:
That's amazing, Jessica. It just means so much to hear that. It really does. And I'm so glad my message resonated with you. Would you talk a little bit about from your experience since you did research? Some people just stumble on my facebook ad, and they don't research. Other coaches I'd love to hear, and I'm sure other women listening would love to hear what was different, what stood out to you and resonated with you as being different from what some of the other coaches you heard saying.
Jess Ivins [00:06:00]:
So I found your content to be really actionable and applicable. I found that some of the other content I was listening to was a little fluffy or wishy washy or just not really on point. And I remember listening to one of your podcasts and you had recommended a book called Attached. I know. And it's required reading, I believe, at least it was at the time when I was in your program. So I read the book and I purchased it and I couldn't put it down. I finished it in a whole weekend. And it just blew my mind, like, learning what attachment theory was, learning what my attachment style was, which was anxious, avoidant, like the most challenging one to have.
Jess Ivins [00:06:42]:
And I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks, and I felt like, wow, now I have words and a framework and some sort of way to talk about what I've been dealing with. And I knew that there was a lot more to being in a healthy relationship than just correcting my attachment style. Right. So just reading that book, hearing that book recommendation from you, hearing you talk about other things, and you just had a really fresh kind of against the grain perspective, but you had evidence to back up everything you were saying. And I felt like, okay, this is very different from the way I've done it before, but the way I did it before never worked for me. So this sounds like it might actually work. And it did.
Lisa Shield [00:07:24]:
And may I ask, I love what you said, this against the grain approach. Can you talk about that a little bit? I know I can be very against the grain, and I thrive on challenging a lot of the bullshit that I hear. We can go back to the crapper, but I do. There's so much BS out there, there's so much misinformation and talk about that. Like when you said I go against the grain, talk about that a little bit.
Jess Ivins [00:08:03]:
So I think one of the biggest things I took away from your program that I hadn't heard before was not taking anything personally. And I know you talk very extensively about the book, the Four Agreements, and the four agreements in the book, which is a beautiful framework that I still strive to live by today even though I'm married and not dating anymore. But don't take anything good that you're.
Lisa Shield [00:08:28]:
Not dating anymore if you're married, by the way.
Jess Ivins [00:08:32]:
That's true. That's true.
Lisa Shield [00:08:33]:
Yes.
Jess Ivins [00:08:34]:
Always a plus, right? But the framework, I apply it all the time to work, even to my marriage, to my relationship with my family, so on and so forth, because you talked over and over again about not taking things personally when you're dating. So if a guy doesn't call you back, or if a guy ghosts you, or if a guy says something weird or awkward, something that seems weird or awkward, right, when you're on a date, whatever it is, don't take it personally. And that was just so liberating and so freeing, because when I was dating, I used to get all worked up and all anxious and just like, is this going to work? And just overanalyzing everything that was happening, overanalyzing what the guy would do, what the guy would say, what he was doing on the dating app while we were still dating, all that stuff. And by not taking anything personally, it was just very freeing. And I just realized, okay, I'm going to continue moving forward and dating this person until I have enough evidence to justify whether or not I should keep dating them or not, right? And it is what it is, right? And I can't control how somebody else reacts or how somebody else acts, and I'm not going to take it personally, right? That said, if somebody like, I remember at one point I was dating, I was in your program, and a guy we were supposed to meet up for a walk. It was a Saturday night, it was late. We were supposed to meet up for the first time on a Sunday. And he messaged me, basically asking me for sex.
Jess Ivins [00:10:00]:
And I had all the tools I need to respond to him in an assertive yet positive way. And basically, I told him no in some of the ways that you taught us to do. And I was really upset by that because it was late at night, I was alone. It freaked me out, but I let myself be upset for, like, half a day, and then I got over it, right? And he actually unmatched us on the app overnight, so there was no date the next day, and I was fine with that, right? And I just moved on. And I didn't take it personally, but if I had not worked with you and that happened, I would have been so upset, I would have been freaked out. Like, screw men, screw dating, cancel all my accounts on the apps. Like, I'm done with this, right? Whereas I felt like I just had the tools to first of all, I think it was justifiably like I was freaked out by it because I felt like it was inappropriate. And at the same time, I'm like, you know what? This is his stuff.
Jess Ivins [00:10:58]:
I'm not going to take this personally. I'm going to let myself be upset for half a day and move on. And I did.
Lisa Shield [00:11:03]:
Yeah. And it's so easy to just get hooked in by those things and then waste time, give up, feel discouraged, right? And it just slows you down and pulls you off track. And it's really a time waster. I also challenge a lot of the conventional thinking, like, lean back and let men chase you. I really want to empower women to be able to ask for what they want and to be able to encourage the men that they're dating to take initiative. So I teach you all how to take the feminine lead rather than sitting and being a sitting duck and doing nothing. So there's a lot of ways in which I really challenge conventional thinking. So all of this resonated with you, it sounds like, and you did your due diligence, as I would expect you to know.
Lisa Shield [00:12:06]:
I think it's great that you did that research before coming into the course, jessica. I really admire that. And I would hope that other women listening to this recording or this interview would go ahead and do some research and look at other coaches. And if I resonate, if you click with my message, that's the best way to enter into this, because, you know, you've done your due diligence, and you're picking a coach that's really right for you. So I'm glad you found me. That means the world to me. And tell me about your breakthrough call. How did you feel that day? I actually did your call, and I don't do the calls anymore, but I was still doing the calls at that time.
Lisa Shield [00:13:01]:
What was that like, that breakthrough call?
Jess Ivins [00:13:06]:
I thought it was great. I was so excited to talk with you. I was ready. I was ready. I was like, put me on a payment plan. I'm ready. Right. If you remember.
Jess Ivins [00:13:18]:
And I appreciated how due diligence as well. I know you asked me a few questions to make sure that I was a good fit for the program. And I could tell by your questions that you were doing your work up front, which I appreciate, because if for some reason I'm not a good fit for the program, I wouldn't want to find that out three months into the program. Right. So there was that. And I think I had listened to enough of your free content. I had watched your 45 minutes presentation, if I recall. I believe it was a presentation you had us watch before we got on the call.
Jess Ivins [00:13:48]:
And I was just ready, so I'm not sure what else to say. And then a few days later, I was on the first group call, and I was also getting blown away by the conversations I was hearing.
Lisa Shield [00:14:01]:
That's wonderful. And those calls I love what you said, again about me doing my due diligence. People may come on those calls and think we're just there to sell them. We're there to enroll every woman who comes in. And that's the furthest thing from the truth. And part of that is because there is a group coaching component to the program, and all it takes is one person who doesn't fit in to drive everybody crazy or to cause problems. And it is so important that all of you are cut from a similar cloth. You're very successful in other parts of your life.
Lisa Shield [00:14:52]:
This is the one thing that's been eluding you. You're ready to get it solved. All intelligent, educated women, we really try to cultivate a group of like minded women who come from a similar background, with similar issues, so you can all relate to each other, which is really important. And we turn down a lot of people. It's so important for people to know that I don't care if you're oprah you could be coming. You would go through our same interview process. In fact, I just signed up a very dear friend of mine, and I said, you're going to go through all the same channels as everybody else. I'm not giving you any special attention.
Lisa Shield [00:15:45]:
You're going to do it the way it's meant to be done. I'm not making any exceptions for you because I know the program works the way it's written, and people just have to follow the process if they're going to get the most out of it. So you did that interview. You knew coming on that you were going to sign up. And that's where you shared with me about your daughter. And I remember, I don't know if you remember this, but I distinctly remember you, your one concern your one concern was, I can do all of the work. I'll do everything, I'll be the best student, I'll do everything, but how am I going to find time to date?
Jess Ivins [00:16:33]:
Right? Yeah, that's right. I remember that because I was a single mom, we were still coming out of COVID It was really hard to find childcare. Now, I had her in daycare, but it was just really difficult for me to even go on a lunch date just based on work and everything. So I remember talking with you about that and I remember you worked with me and you were able to adjust the timeline a bit and extend my membership by, I think it was like four weeks or something like that. And it was perfect. It worked out beautifully, it really did. And it gave me the extra time because one of the things I learned about being a single mom is that you can make all the plans you want and then a wrench gets thrown in. Inevitably your kid gets sick and now you can't work, and now you have to cancel plans for the week, and now that puts you behind and whatever else you were doing.
Jess Ivins [00:17:24]:
I was doing the coursework for your program on weekends, but if my daughter got sick and somebody couldn't watch her for a few hours while I did the coursework so, long story short, you were able to work with me on that, which I really appreciated, and thank you for reminding me of that. It's been a while.
Lisa Shield [00:17:41]:
Yeah, but it was a concern. You said, I think I can do all the work, but I don't know how I'll find the time to date. And I said, we'll make it work, we'll figure it out. I didn't want you to miss the opportunity. First of all, I just thought you were and I told you this on the call, there's something about you where I know that if you made a decision to do something, you put thought into that, that it was not something that you just want to jumped into. And I know that having your daughter was a very serious thought process. That was not something you just dove into. It was a very serious decision and something that meant so much to you to have a child that you would prioritize that and not let it slip by that opportunity.
Lisa Shield [00:18:44]:
And I really felt when we talked, Jessica, that I didn't want this opportunity to pass you by. I admired your courage, and I felt like you deserved to have everything. And even if you did it in your own way, the orchestration of those events were different. I had the missing piece, which was I knew that anything is possible. I knew that there would be a man out there who would love you and love Laurel and would be a wonderful father to your daughter and a wonderful husband to you. And I've seen all kinds of women defy all kinds of ODS, so I had the faith that we could help you on this end, and I didn't want to let you miss that opportunity. You signed up and you said you went on one of the calls, talk about some of the things that you really loved, about the course that really stand out to you and really made a difference in your dating.
Jess Ivins [00:20:00]:
Yeah, I remember the first time I attended one of your group calls, and there was somebody on the call who was really concerned about basically she was really concerned about something that a guy she was dating was doing right. I guess just to keep things private. And the way that you responded to it, you said, well, look at it this way, and you laid it out, and it kind of blew my mind. And I was like, wow, I never would have thought about it this way. Because when the woman came on the call and she was sharing her concerns, I'm thinking, yeah, well, I would have the same concerns. And you just reframed it for her, and you said, well, he's doing this, he's doing that, he's doing this. So it's actually a positive sign that he's really interested in you. Right.
Jess Ivins [00:20:48]:
And that's when I was like, okay, I'm glad I joined this program. And that was the first call that I joined. I remember it was around the holidays. It was the very end of December in 2021, and the question was related to, I think, being invited to a holiday party, something like that. And I was like, wow, this is really helpful. I made it a point to attend the calls. I started attending both calls a week. At the time.
Jess Ivins [00:21:14]:
You had two calls a week, and you asked that we attend at least one. Whenever possible, I attended two, and I asked a question, and I submitted my question early so I could get my question answered right away. I was really dedicated, but I'm trying to think of what else I heard on the calls. Just a lot of you, like, reinforcing the material that I was doing on the weekends because you had us watch courses, like pre recorded courses on the weekend or on our own time or whatever, and then we would come on the calls and discuss was and a lot of repetition. And sometimes you would have to say things two or three times, and then it would like especially the don't take things personally thing. Like, it took a few times for that to really resonate. And once it clicked, I had it.
Lisa Shield [00:22:02]:
And if I can add one thing, Jessica, just for anybody listening. I worked with Don Miguel, the author of The Four Agreements, over 30 years ago. When Miguel before Miguel had written that book, I was a part of the Toltec community here in Santa Fe, New Mexico, in the very early days of his teaching. And he doesn't teach now. He's had several near fatal heart attacks, and he's turned his work over to his sons. But I share that because my experience with that work is very with Miguel isn't something that I just read, The Four Agreements, and it's something that I pulled from the book. A lot of my wisdom and my experience with Don Miguel comes directly from him, which I think makes it really important in terms of the work that I do with all of you, because he was one of my own personal teachers. So I just wanted to share that as you keep going back to it.
Lisa Shield [00:23:16]:
So it took more than once hearing certain things for it to sink in. They say sometimes we have to hear things a minimum of seven times before it actually starts to sink into our consciousness. So coming on those calls, even though it was repetitious, sometimes you would hear those things over and over again. And it sounds like it was very helpful in you integrating the work.
Jess Ivins [00:23:44]:
It was because every call you'd have the women coming with different questions, different stories, they'd be at different stages of their journey. Like, maybe they've just been on their third date or maybe they haven't dated yet. The context changing too, really helps because people would ask different questions and you would bring in whether it's don't take things personally or don't make assumptions, I believe is another one. One of the other four agreements. Just hearing that applied to so many different contexts. I felt really prepared when I went out dating. And I remember I was working with your assistant coach Cassie, and I had my one on one calls with her. And one of the first things I told her during my one on ones was when I had started dating, when I had been out with a few guys, was I said to her, I said, it's so different now.
Jess Ivins [00:24:31]:
In a good way. I'm not freaking out about it like I used to. And she said, yes, it feels very calm, doesn't it? And I said, yes, it does. And I don't think I ever would have used the word calm to describe dating ever before working with you, but it was just a very peaceful, enjoyable experience, whereas in the past, it had just been like a roller coaster train wreck.
Lisa Shield [00:24:55]:
Wow, that's extraordinary. And you said that this well, first of all, there were other parts of the material, like as far as the course content went. Jessica, were there certain pieces, certain parts of the material, the final five, or the profile, the photo session? What were some of the things, as far as the content went that were really game changers for you?
Jess Ivins [00:25:22]:
Yeah, the final five was also a big one. I think I worked with Cassie pretty extensively to go through the method that you have outlined where we basically do an inventory of all our past relationships and identify patterns. And then, if I remember correctly, it was almost like we identified the top negative patterns that we were experiencing in past relationships and almost created an inverse of that. And that became our final five and our top ten, I believe it was, and just having that behind me too. So it wasn't just the mindset stuff that you worked on, like not taking things personally, don't make assumptions, all that, but it was also having this framework of, okay, here are my top five. Must haves the guy that I'm dating. And for me, I'm trying to remember all of them, but one of them was he has to communicate with kindness, because I had been in a lot of relationships where I was not treated very well verbally. Oh, gosh, he has to be secure in his own skin, because I had been with a lot of people who are very insecure, and then I wish I had them in front of me.
Jess Ivins [00:26:26]:
But I just moved this year because we got married and I moved. So I used to have them on a sticky note in my mirror, and I left them there in my bathroom, even after Tom and I were together. And then the sticky note, somewhere I got to find it. It just took away all the gray area. And the questioning of, is this guy right for me? Is he not? Like, I had this framework, and I basically had this list. It's like, if he doesn't meet these requirements, he's not my guy.
Lisa Shield [00:26:52]:
And they're not things that you pull out of thin air. It's really a process of getting to those five things, and it takes you through your entire relationship history and all the things that you may have done wrong so that you can get it right this time. People have said that it was the thing that really did help them find their partner. Over many clients have said that. So you went on dates. Do you remember? Did you do a lot of dating? Did you meet Tom fairly quickly?
Jess Ivins [00:27:33]:
So Tom was the second guy I went out with.
Lisa Shield [00:27:35]:
Oh, God, don't tell me.
Jess Ivins [00:27:43]:
Right? And I know it doesn't happen that fast for everybody. I really think it was luck because I was thinking about all the other guys that I dated at that time, because I followed your method, which is date multiple men at once until you're ready to commit, which I did. But the rest of the guys I was dating were not my guy, but Tom was. And that was another thing. I loved the advice of dating multiple men at once because I had never done that before. I used to think before working with you, I would have said, oh, that's bad advice. Why would you do that? Blah, blah, blah, blah. But it really helped Tom stand out because he just kept bubbling to the top.
Jess Ivins [00:28:18]:
The other ones kept dropping off. And again, I followed your process. So whenever a guy would drop off, I'd start a new conversation on the apps and plan another date. Right. So I always had, like, three guys in the mix, but again, they all just kept dropping off, and he just kept rising up. And being able to compare, in a way, really helped me see how great Tom was. Right.
Lisa Shield [00:28:40]:
Yeah.
Jess Ivins [00:28:41]:
He was showing up for me. He was meeting. I just kept seeing all this evidence that, yeah, he has my final five. Right. Whereas the other guys were just like they weren't showing that, exhibiting that, I guess.
Lisa Shield [00:28:56]:
Yeah. And because you're going through such a radical transformation in those first four weeks, it's so easy to then get out and start dating again and think, okay, I'm a different person. I've got this down. I know what I'm looking for, and just meet. Because you're going to very quickly start meeting higher caliber men because of the shift in your energy, the pictures, the profile, all of that is going to create a completely different response. But we also want you to be sure that you're doing your due diligence, because thinking you know this stuff and really knowing it and putting it into practice are very different things. So I'm so glad that you followed the process. I'm curious about the profile.
Lisa Shield [00:29:52]:
I know you weren't out there long. Did it make a difference? Did you get some really great responses? Jessica? A lot of women say that they do.
Jess Ivins [00:30:05]:
Honestly, I think I was getting a lot of the same old responses for the same old guys, but. It may have helped. It may have just been difficult to measure. It may have helped. I think the written part of my profile probably helped more than the photos, honestly, because I think I had one guy. So I had a couple of guys on the apps who were clearly just looking for sex, just from what they were saying, but I followed your process, and I would talk with them for a little while and try to redirect the conversation away from sex and give them a chance. Right. And I remember one guy distinctly telling me, he said, Look, I'll be honest with you.
Jess Ivins [00:30:44]:
It looks like you're looking for something serious. You said you're looking for your husband. I just got out of a divorce, and I'm just looking for fun, so maybe we're not a good fit. And I said, thank you so much for telling me. I appreciate it. It sounds like we're not a good match. Best of luck to you. Right.
Jess Ivins [00:30:56]:
And I don't think that would have happened had I not had that really nicely written profile that you all provided, which said in there, I'm looking for my husband.
Lisa Shield [00:31:05]:
Right, right. So that helped you weed out. He did contact you, but yeah, he realized after a while, realized you wanted something different. So it may have weeded out some guys, turned some guys off that were just looking for fun. So Tom was your second guy. What site did you meet him on?
Jess Ivins [00:31:31]:
OkCupid.
Lisa Shield [00:31:32]:
Okay. Cupid. I have had a lot of great matches come from OkCupid. Were you on the website or on the app or both?
Jess Ivins [00:31:42]:
So they have cupid, you know, as you know, they have a website. I also did Bumble, and it was interesting because people ask, like, they hear my story and they hear that Tom and I got married, and they're like, oh, what app did you meet him on? Because they're thinking, like, let me go to that app so I can find another good guy. And I say, honestly, I saw a lot more potential on Bumble. I think I just got lucky. Tom was only on OkCupid, and I think it was sheer luck. So I had a better experience with Bumble. So I'm not saying that I don't know if it's still that way or but that's where we met. I'm glad I stuck with OkCupid, because I wasn't really happy with the app or the website, and then I met Tom and stayed with it.
Jess Ivins [00:32:23]:
So it worked out.
Lisa Shield [00:32:25]:
That's fantastic. And tell me what stood out about Tom.
Jess Ivins [00:32:36]:
So the more I dated him, the more I'm trying to think, were you asking what stood out about him at the beginning or, like, when you saw.
Lisa Shield [00:32:46]:
His profile, did anything stand out or you were you just like, okay, he looks like a nice guy. I mean, you two look great together. You look like you belong together as a couple. You're such a cute, cute couple. So I don't know if you just thought he was really handsome when you first saw him, or was there anything that struck you about him?
Jess Ivins [00:33:10]:
Honestly, just looking at his profile, I'm like, all right, he's got a good job. Our political views are aligned. That was actually, I think, one of my top tens. We had to be in alignment in terms of worldview and politics and everything. He didn't want kids, which is good, because I wasn't planning to have more children. The basic stuff that I would look for at that stage, everything looks great. And I'm really glad that the algorithm was flexible, too, because he's twelve years older than me, and I had set my age range to only ten years above. But he and I talked about it, and we think that basically, if one person expresses interest, the algorithm will probably show your profile to that other person.
Jess Ivins [00:33:54]:
Right.
Lisa Shield [00:33:54]:
Yeah.
Jess Ivins [00:33:55]:
And I'm glad it worked that way, because he wouldn't have popped up in my feed otherwise. Yeah. And so we had a phone call that went really well. It was a nice phone call. He didn't hit me up for sex. Although at that point, I'm just looking for basics. Right?
Lisa Shield [00:34:09]:
Yeah. You're like, oh, my God.
Jess Ivins [00:34:14]:
And also a big thing that I really liked about him, which is one of these against the grain things that I learned from you, is that on our first date, when I met him in person, I didn't feel that instant chemistry, butterflies, fireworks stuff, which was good. And again, that's one of your against the grain pieces of advice. If you feel instantly romantically connected or hooked into somebody, that's usually a bad. Usually you want to feel like, okay, I like this person, I want to keep dating this person. And then the attraction grows the more you get to know them and the more you spend time with them. And that's how it went with Tom. That was another really promising sign.
Lisa Shield [00:34:53]:
Nice. Yeah. So you were really listening to our markers for how to progress and what to do and what this should look like and feel like, and really following that advice. And you met Tom, and he was a nice man. I mean, you enjoyed your date. He didn't hit you up for sex. He was a gentleman, and so you just kept progressing. Jessica, when did you know you were really falling for, like, that? He was really special.
Lisa Shield [00:35:29]:
How many dates?
Jess Ivins [00:35:34]:
It was probably like I think we ended up committing at about, like seven or eight weeks. I know you say generally six to eight weeks is around the time that you're ready to commit. It was a bunch of things that just added up. He told me he was good with kids. He's never had his own children, which he thinks otherwise, in my opinion. I think it's unfortunate because he's a great dad to my daughter, and it's too bad he's in his 50s now, so it's too bad he didn't have children when he was younger, but it's my opinion. But I just digressed. But yeah, so he was telling me he was good with kids.
Jess Ivins [00:36:10]:
He liked spending time with kids. He honored the fact that you also say not to have sex until around the time you're ready to commit, and he was willing to wait for that, which was also another positive sign. Again, I just kept trusting your process, and the more I followed your process, the more positive signs I saw with him. So it was more of like an accumulation. It wasn't necessarily a moment where I was like, he's the one. It was just more like it just kind of kept building up and building up and building up, and everybody else just kind of kept falling off.
Lisa Shield [00:36:40]:
And he is a great dad to your daughter.
Jess Ivins [00:36:44]:
Oh, my gosh. Incredible. She started calling him dad, which is know, I didn't I don't even call him dad. I still call him Tom, even in front of her, and she just calls him Daddy. And I'm like, okay, cool. I mean, she just kind of put that piece together for herself. But he is amazing with her. And one of the things I wanted from a partner was so to back up, he exceeds my expectations in terms of how he is with my child now.
Jess Ivins [00:37:09]:
Of course I wanted somebody to be great to my child. Right. But I was trying to be realistic with my expectations. Right. I wanted somebody who was a good role model, who respected her, who was willing to spend time with her, who was willing to support me as her biological parent. Right. And he exceeds all of that. He jokes around that he's soccer dad.
Jess Ivins [00:37:28]:
Right. Because he's the one who takes her to school every morning. He gets her ready for me in the morning so I can go for a morning walk before work. He does a lot with her. He gives her a shower most nights of the week or helps her bathe, and he plays with her. He's very playful, like, in the way that dads are, and she just absolutely adores him. And he has been such a blessing to her, I can't even tell you. It's like he filled a void that I didn't even know was there for me, especially for my daughter.
Lisa Shield [00:38:00]:
Wow.
Jess Ivins [00:38:02]:
Yeah. It's just been amazing. Right? And it's been incredible because I was putting behind some career related stuff. It's important for what I do to make sure that I have a resume and a portfolio ready, especially just with the nature of my work right now, a lot of people are getting laid off. So he agreed to watch her for Saturday and Sunday mornings for a whole month so I could work on all of my career materials. Right. And he helped me rent out my house. He's got rental properties, so I moved into his house, and now my house is a rental property.
Jess Ivins [00:38:34]:
And he actually talked me into it, not for his benefit, because it's my house and all the money with me. Right. But I said, I'm just going to sell my house when we get married. And he said, I think you're walking away from a lot of money. And he sat down, and he actually did the math, and he said, you can make a lot of money off this house if you rent it out and I'll help you do it. And he did, and again, it wasn't for his benefit. I mean, I guess you could argue with his benefit if it's like, if it's money that's staying in my pocket, we're married. But that's really not what it was.
Jess Ivins [00:39:03]:
He just wanted me to do what was best for me.
Lisa Shield [00:39:06]:
Wow.
Jess Ivins [00:39:09]:
I know your program, it does have a price tag. Right. To be frank. But I've made the money back already.
Lisa Shield [00:39:16]:
Right.
Jess Ivins [00:39:18]:
Not only that, but you can't even put a price tag on the fact that he's amazing with my child, that he's good to me, that now I'm not alone anymore. Right. That doesn't have a price tag. That's just invaluable.
Lisa Shield [00:39:33]:
Well, and if you think about all the things you've ever invested in, including your education, anything, and this is a bargain stacked up next to an education, a college career these days, this is a semester. It's nothing. Right. It's some credits. It's not even if you go to a good school, it's nothing compared to what an education costs. And what you get is insane. Insane. I mean, financially, spiritually, emotionally, physically, the health, the know.
Lisa Shield [00:40:14]:
It's insane. What would you tell somebody, Jessica, who said, oh, my, like, I can't spend that kind of money. What would you say to that woman? Because not only were you single, but you were a single mom, you had no help, and you made this happen and you knew how important it was. What would you tell that woman that would scoff at the price tag?
Jess Ivins [00:40:46]:
Yeah, I've had people say that to me because I've talked to some friends about your program and everything, and they're like, why would you spend that much money on that? And I said, well, look at what I've gotten for it. And my response is, I met a great man that I wouldn't have known how to meet otherwise. Now I have a partner, now my daughter has a father figure. And I was just thinking this morning about how I used to be just so on edge. Just trying to orchestrate everything in my life, trying to keep my house clean, trying to make sure my daughter you know, trying to make sure we had meals for the week, trying to make sure this and that. And it was just exhausting. And I was just a shell of a human being. I wasn't myself.
Jess Ivins [00:41:34]:
And now I have a partner to share that load. And he gladly takes on a lot of the responsibilities for her. He likes giving her a bath. He likes getting her ready in the morning. I'm like, go for it, please. I just spent three years being a single mom with hardly any help. Yeah. You want to give her a bath again tonight? Please, yeah, by all means.
Jess Ivins [00:41:53]:
And I love spending time with my daughter. And at the same time, he's also self employed. He's got a lot of passive income. He owns rental properties and whatnot. He has a lot more flexibility than I do, especially during the day. But I never would have had that had I not worked with you. There's no way I would have figured that out on my own and gotten to where I am now. I just would have been stuck.
Jess Ivins [00:42:14]:
And again, I can't even put a price tag on everything that I've gotten out of your program.
Lisa Shield [00:42:19]:
Well, and think of what it I.
Jess Ivins [00:42:20]:
Would have paid double, frankly, knowing what I was going to get Jessica.
Lisa Shield [00:42:25]:
Think about what a nanny would cost. Think about the cost of just having, like, let's say you're a single mom and you weren't working from home and you had to go into an office. What you would be paying to get a nanny to take care of your daughter. I mean, it's crazy when people think about what they're willing to spend money on and what they're not. And the other thing is, not only did you get an amazing partner, but you got an amazing partner. You did your due diligence. This isn't a man that's going to turn around and walk out on you. And this is a man who's completely devoted, who's a real partner, because you knew what to look for, what to listen for, what to watch for, so that you didn't make a mistake and bring some guy into your life who married you and took you for your money.
Lisa Shield [00:43:27]:
A guy that laid on the sofa and took advantage of you. You got a real partner, a real guardian of your soul who cherishes and adores you and adores your mean. That's that's unbelievable. So you came to Santa Fe. Let's talk about that.
Jess Ivins [00:43:52]:
Oh, it was, uh I didn't want a big wedding. I wanted to elope, and that was the so and I wanted you and Benjamin to marry us because your program was just so transformative in so many ways, and I just wanted you to be a part of it. So it was beautiful. You hosted us on your property. We stayed in a lovely guest house. Your property is it was just and it was just lovely. It was really sweet. It was one of the most surreal moments of my life, getting in front of Tom and looking him in the eye and sharing my vows and just beautiful.
Jess Ivins [00:44:27]:
And then we spent the next week exploring New Mexico. I'd never been there. I may never go know. It's just one of those places. Work doesn't take me there, right?
Lisa Shield [00:44:38]:
Yeah.
Jess Ivins [00:44:40]:
It was gorgeous. We went to the four corners, if you recall that scene from breaking Bad. Anybody here who's watched breaking Bad? The scene where he's flipping a coin to decide which state he's going to run to. We went to that. It was really cool.
Lisa Shield [00:44:52]:
That's so great.
Jess Ivins [00:44:53]:
Yeah. And we had a wonderful time, and it was everything I hoped it would be.
Lisa Shield [00:44:59]:
I'm so glad, honey. Well, on that note, I just want to thank you so much for coming today, for sharing your story, for choosing Benjamin and me and our team to work with, for letting us help you find Tom, the guardian of your soul. I wish he could have been here today, but, ladies, he's a gem. He's a gem. This man adores her. And just the gift it was for the two of us, Benjamin and me, to be able to meet Tom and spend time with both of you was such an honor. So thank you for coming out here and letting us perform the wedding. Thank you all for joining us.
Lisa Shield [00:45:50]:
I so appreciate it. Please come back and see me again. This has been finding the guardianofyoursol. You can go to lisashield. comReserve. That's how you sign up for your free breakthrough call. You'll fill out a short application to do that, and then a member of my team will jump on a call with you. And, like Jessica, you can get started on your journey to finding the guardian of your soul.
Lisa Shield [00:46:19]:
Also, send your ideas for future podcasts to podcast@lisashield.com. And finally, I do one other episode called getting inside the right male mind. That male mind is usually my husband Benjamin's. He has a very beautiful mind, and I just want to share it with everybody. It's incredible, I think, for women to hear how great men think. I know Jessica gets to do that every day now for the rest of her life. Finding one of these great guys is the greatest gift we can give ourselves in this lifetime. So, Jessica, thank you again, honey, I adore you.
Lisa Shield [00:47:06]:
Give my love to Tom, and I wish you two a lifetime of happiness.
Jess Ivins [00:47:13]:
Thank you so much, Lisa, and thank you for having me on the podcast. I really appreciate being here.