Welcome to another enriching episode of "Finding the Guardian of Your Soul®" with your hosts, Benjamin and Lisa Shield. Today, we dive into "The Art of A Playful Relationship," where we'll explore how many people have unrealistic expectations in their quest for love, focusing more on what they desire than what they can offer. Join us as Lisa and Benjamin highlight the importance of unconditional love, respect, kindness, humility, and gratitude in building and maintaining a healthy relationship.
We'll discuss how personal development and emotional maturity play pivotal roles in creating fulfilling partnerships and why it's important to let go of past baggage to experience genuine, unconditional love. Lisa will also introduce her transformative program, Emotionally Naked Dating, designed to help you find a lasting, meaningful connection.
Adding a twist to traditional views, we'll delve into the joy of keeping a relationship playful and fun, rather than seeing it as constant work. With anecdotes from their own lives, Lisa and Benjamin emphasize loving actions, conscious choices, and the profound connection that comes from truly seeing each other's souls. Plus, stay tuned till the end for an opportunity to book a call with Lisa’s team and learn more about her insightful course.
We’re grateful to have you with us today and eager to share insights that can transform your approach to love and relationships. Don’t forget to submit your ideas for future topics at podcast@lisashield.com. Let's begin!
Lisa Shield [00:00:01]:
Hello, everybody. I'm Lisa Shield.
Benjamin Shield [00:00:03]:
And I'm Benjamin Shield.
Lisa Shield [00:00:05]:
And we want to welcome you to getting inside the right male mind. Today we want to talk about how relationships can be fun and play instead of work. The other day we had a client call us. She's getting married this Tuesday. We adore her and want to send her our very, very best wishes. But she called because she had been listening to another expert. And this expert said, you always need to be working on your marriage, so you need to be doing workshops and classes and reading books together. And so she came, she asked if they could get on a call with us prior to their wedding, and she wanted to know what we thought about that and if there were any recommendations of courses and things that she could do.
Lisa Shield [00:01:06]:
And they were reading a book that we do recommend. But we recommend it because it exactly supports the theory that we're about to talk about.
Benjamin Shield [00:01:16]:
Right.
Lisa Shield [00:01:16]:
And it is a book, you want to say the name of the book?
Benjamin Shield [00:01:19]:
I think it's called how to improve your marriage without talking about it.
Lisa Shield [00:01:23]:
Yes.
Benjamin Shield [00:01:23]:
Bye. Pat love and doctor Steven Stasni.
Lisa Shield [00:01:27]:
Yes. And this is a book I wish we had written because these are concepts that I think Benjamin and I both arrived at on our own. And this idea of not improving your marriage without talking about it and I would add to that or needing to work on it. When I was dating, I had this idea that I could work through my issues and my problems and get rid of most of my baggage while I was dating. And why not do that rather than carry it into this next relationship? And I figured if I could just be free of my past and let go of all of the things or as much as I could of my issues and my insecurities and all while I was dating, then I could walk into this next relationship and it could be fun and playful and we wouldn't have to work on the relationship.
Benjamin Shield [00:02:38]:
Yeah. I think so many people go into a relationship or when they think about relationships, they think that it's grist for the mill. We have to be in a relationship to work out our issues. And that means that we're always going to be working on it. And it's really the therapeutic model. It's like quicksand. The harder someone tries, the deeper in the quicksand they get. And so when Lisa and I, before we met, we both have had, know, some good relationships, but also some really terrible ones.
Benjamin Shield [00:03:21]:
And, you know, hopefully we learned from it. But one of the things we learned is that, you know, from watching our parents and watching having very few good examples and in fact, watching a lot of bad examples of relationship and marriage that we knew what we didn't want and we knew what didn't work, and perpetuating the idea that weve got to work on it, weve got to talk it through. Its a therapeutic model that just holds people deep in their trauma, deep into relationship issues, and we dont see people really rising out of that and we see them getting stuck. And the opposite end of the spectrum with not only the same results but infinitely better results, is to think of relationship not as work but as play. And it doesn't mean that we can't have serious conversations, but it means that we go into those conversations and it could be something deep in our hearts that we want to talk about, but we know that we're, well, let me put it this way. When I write the dating profiles for the women in the group, and I often start for the brief profile that, looking for my best friend, playmate, lover and life partner. And when you think about your best friend, you think about your playmate, you think about your lover. You don't think about work.
Lisa Shield [00:05:12]:
You think.
Benjamin Shield [00:05:13]:
About fun, you think about fun being with your best friend, being with your playmate, being with your lover. And that's what should go into being a life partner and having a life partner.
Lisa Shield [00:05:27]:
And one of the things when, you know, we've talked about this before, but when we were on our first date and you asked me what I was looking for, and I said to you, I said, you know, I have been working so hard on myself and I'm done working hard. And what I was saying is, you know, I think in the back of my mind, what was echoing in my mind was this idea from a course in miracles that you can learn through joy or you can learn through pain, you're going to learn no matter what. But it's up to you if you make it joyful or painful. And I had finally really arrived at that place where I thought, I don't want to work hard anymore. I want to learn through joy and not pain. And then I said, I just want to meet a great guy and have fun.
Benjamin Shield [00:06:21]:
Right. And that's what you told me.
Lisa Shield [00:06:23]:
Yeah.
Benjamin Shield [00:06:23]:
And later I told Lisa that I silently put my hands together and said, thank you, God, and you said it.
Lisa Shield [00:06:30]:
Was the sexiest thing any woman had ever said to you.
Benjamin Shield [00:06:34]:
And we've been together. That was 22 years ago.
Lisa Shield [00:06:38]:
And I really want to put this out there to everybody who's listening. That wasn't a superficial statement. That wasn't me saying, oh, I just want to have fun. You know, that was a very, very thoughtful statement that was anchored in, I've been working so hard, and I'm done working hard. So I want to be clear, because so many people will say, well, I just want to meet a guy and have fun. But I really had worked hard to get to that place where I had let go of all of this. And so many people that I see in the personal growth arena who are doing women will say to me all the time, oh, I've done so much work on myself. And it's like, well, if you've done so much work on yourself, then when do you get to the other side of that? And this idea that we will always be working on ourselves, I think something that's so important is just because people say things doesn't mean they're true.
Lisa Shield [00:07:54]:
Just because experts like, I look at the Harville Hendrix model, the imago therapy approach to relationship. My God, if that was all there was, if two people come together so they can work out their trauma and their mommy daddy issues, I'd rather be alone.
Benjamin Shield [00:08:18]:
And the Gottman school is so cerebral, totally, and that it defines having to work at it and having continuous work. And we went to one of their workshops in Seattle, and there were people there that have followed them for years, meaning that they're still looking to glean something because they still feel that there's, if they work harder or if they learn just a little bit more. So it's almost like letting go, it's somewhat like surrendering that we really have worked so hard. And I'm sure everyone out there has done a tremendous amount of intrapersonal work and taking all that work in and with the idea of leaving, crossing the threshold and leaving the baggage outside the threshold. And so when you enter the interpersonal relationship, the loving relationship, that unconditional love is possible if we're always carrying that baggage and we carry it with us and we carry it over the threshold into our relationship and the other person does. It's not us that's talking, it's holograms of us. It's our baggage that's talking. And so we never get anywhere because it's not really us.
Benjamin Shield [00:09:49]:
And what is us is us without the baggage, us who have done so much work that we can leave the baggage behind.
Lisa Shield [00:09:59]:
Well, and I think there were so many because I wanted this to be my masterpiece. I wanted to get it right this time with every cell of my being. And I was so willing to look at myself and do the deeper work to love and accept who I am. I made choices, very conscious choices, and we talked about this before we started. I had an epiphany wherever I realized that unconditional love is real. And I was doing. I was in a meditation meeting. I was reading Eckhart Tolle, one of your favorites.
Lisa Shield [00:10:41]:
But I was really thinking about this idea that there really is only this moment. The past is over and the future doesn't yet exist. So this idea of the eternal now and that the only moment that exists is this momentous. I was thinking about that and I realized that unconditional love is real. All the spiritual paths, or most of them, are guiding us towards unconditional love or God, which I think are synonymous. And I realized that if there is only the eternal now, then we can have it now. It's not like you have to reincarnate or there's a million lifetimes or you have to become an ascended master. I realized that this is available to everybody.
Lisa Shield [00:11:32]:
And then I said, well, if this is real, then that's what I'm going to search for. Not a perfect person, not a list of qualities, but somebody I could love and accept unconditionally. And I asked myself. I asked myself, well, what do I have to do? Who do I have to be in order to have that? In order to find somebody who would love me and accept me unconditionally. And I realized that I had to first be willing to give unconditional love before I could receive it. Right. Because everything works in reverse. And so I said, I'm just going to date and date and date, and I am going to find a man who I love and admire and respect with every cell of my being.
Lisa Shield [00:12:26]:
And, you know, if he feels the same way, then that would be beautiful. But it started with me finding a man that I felt was worthy of my unconditional love. And that wasn't easy. Now, it took me a lot of dates. It took me a long time to find somebody that I felt that way about. But I also believed that I would. I knew there was somebody out there that I would be able to respect and admire and love without fail. And I don't think there's anything I don't think I've ever tried to fix or change you.
Benjamin Shield [00:13:11]:
Right? Right. And if there was something that upset either one of us or just a habit that we wish the other person didn't have, we'd really come in playfully. It wouldn't be like, this is the last time I'm going to tell you this. I'm so upset. I'm angry. It's just the opposite. Gets the results, you know. Sweetheart, what would make me so happy if you could? And of course you want to make me happy.
Benjamin Shield [00:13:49]:
And as opposed to being punitive, it becomes loving.
Lisa Shield [00:13:53]:
Well, and we everything, you know, it's just so genuinely coming from love. Like, there's nothing I would want to change about you. There are things that I think might be good for you that I might suggest that I think would be, you know, helpful.
Benjamin Shield [00:14:12]:
Like green drinks.
Lisa Shield [00:14:14]:
Like green drinks. You keep telling me you like them. Oh, you outdid yourself this time. So this is where now. I know, but, you know, I mean, it's so. It always comes from love. And that's the other thing. It is the.
Lisa Shield [00:14:39]:
These are choices we make, but everything we say or do, everything that we in our relationship so just really comes from our deep, deep love for one another. And that's what motivates everything. There's no selfishness. There's no, you know, I never feel like you would want me to give up something for you, you know, or that, you know. I know. You know, I would never want you to sacrifice your happiness to make me happy. I mean, sometimes at the end of the day, we sit here and you say, well, let's get you out of here. And I'll say, honey, do you really want to go? And you'll say, but you need to get out of here.
Lisa Shield [00:15:31]:
And we're so concerned about each other. It's just, I think people don't really understand how to love and how to.
Benjamin Shield [00:15:45]:
Love unconditionally where there are no yes buts. He's a great guy, you know, or she's a wonderful woman. But, you know, if only, you know, and we have none of that. We have no yes buts or if only.
Lisa Shield [00:16:03]:
But people have even asked us, like, you know, there's got to be things you don't like about Benjamin. Seriously. Like, people say that. Or aren't there things about Lisa that just get on your nerves? No, because if I walk in the room and I can look in your eyes and see you need space, I just give you space. Like, I don't get on your nerves because I want, you know, I read your mood. Or even if you are a little short with me or whatever, not that you really are, but even if there's a moment, I just am like, okay, great, I'll come back. You know, like, with the thing that's going on right now with the water and, I mean, you've, you know, you've been exhausted. At the end of the day, for.
Benjamin Shield [00:16:50]:
Those who, giving that context, just. There's a large resort that may be polluting the water so well.
Lisa Shield [00:16:57]:
And the resort is called Bishop's lodge. So for anybody who knows Bishop's lodge or maybe considering having a wedding or something. Yeah, but we're having our own little Erin Brockovich controversy here. But Benjamin has really been at the heart of it, and he's been exhausted at the end of the day and not wanting to talk about it. And I've wanted to talk about it, but we just have to make room for that and we'll talk about it when we do.
Benjamin Shield [00:17:31]:
I think the bottom line is that what we emphasize in the course in emotionally naked dating is finding a relationship that we call the guardian of your soul. And there is no conflict there. There's trying to help each other, seeing if the other person understands. But because you see the person even more than what they see in themselves, and you see the goodness in their soul, and you see the soul's journey and support that journey, you know, there's. That both of our lives are really about seeing each other's, fostering our soul and that soul's journey. And we've done that for, you know, over 22. Well, 22 years now.
Lisa Shield [00:18:23]:
So I think, you know, a lot of people listening are asking, well, this is kind of like a fairy tale, you know, this is like, I've never seen a relationship like that. That can't possibly be true, what you're saying. And every couple has conflict and every couple fights. How do people get here?
Benjamin Shield [00:18:50]:
Well, we mentioned doing the work prior to the relationship, letting go of the baggage and the identifying with our baggage and with the traumas that we've had as much as we can, letting go.
Lisa Shield [00:19:08]:
Of agendas, trying to get something from another person. If you're not happy and you don't feel fulfilled and you're not in a good place, nobody, a partner can absolutely make your world make you happier, but nobody can fill you up and make you happy if you're trying to get that from another person. In fact, when I met Benjamin, another of my decisions was that I wanted to make his world bigger because I was in it. I didn't want to make it smaller because I was needy or insecure or petty. I wanted to add to his world. I didn't want to take away from it. And I think a lot of times, women in particular, I'm not saying that men don't do this, but women in particular can be very emotionally needy and they can put that on their partner and it's draining for men. It's just draining.
Lisa Shield [00:20:18]:
And also just other insecurities about their looks. About know, if they go to a restaurant and he happens to be nice to the waitress, they may get it, feel insecure, like, you know, they're like, he finds her attractive and he's interested in her. Or you have to find this in yourself. You have to accept yourself. You cannot bring your own insecurity. It doesn't mean I don't have insecurities or Benjamin doesn't have insecurities, but we don't try to fit. I'm not here for you to be my therapist. I'm not here for you to constantly reassure me.
Lisa Shield [00:21:01]:
And I think people bring all of that into a relationship and think their partner is responsible for that. And my thing was, if I ever had a chronic issue that I felt was really serious, I would go see a therapist. I wouldn't bring that to you. It's not your responsibility. So I would say being a very responsible, mature, emotionally intelligent adult is a key part of this.
Benjamin Shield [00:21:32]:
Yeah. And I think so many people, when they think about a relationship, it's in terms of, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want this. I want a CEO. I want someone with a full head of hair. I want 6ft tall. They need to be able to have two houses at least, and three months off. So we could travel or they could work remotely and we could just keep traveling. I want, I want, I want, I want.
Benjamin Shield [00:22:05]:
And so many good people that they could really have extraordinary relationships with, they're invisible because they're looking for something that, whether it's realistic or not, they're missing.
Lisa Shield [00:22:24]:
Good people and they're looking, I want, I want, I want. But as I said earlier, really, with unconditional love, you have to be willing to first give it before you can receive it. So I was looking not I want, I want, I want, but I was looking for kindness, humility, generosity, you know, a certain level of accomplishment and success, because I, you know, I didn't care what field it was in, but it needed to be something that I admire, you know, that I. Someone that I admired what he did in the world. And I remember when I met you, oh, my God. Like, I was just in awe of what you do, of what you created. Benjamin's for anyone who doesn't know, his work is founded on rolfing, which is a specific kind of bodywork, but he's evolved his own approach, his own technique.
Benjamin Shield [00:23:32]:
For the last 43 years.
Lisa Shield [00:23:33]:
Yeah. And he's one of the hardest working, most sought after body workers in the world. And it's just amazing. Like, just his. I have always said I'm just a member of his fan club. Like, I'm the one that gets to call myself wife. But his patients love him. Love, love, love him.
Lisa Shield [00:23:58]:
In fact, I, here in Santa Fe, I'll sometimes run into somebody coming out of a session, and they're just, oh, Benjamin is so wonderful, and you are so fortunate. I just am. You know, I'm still in awe of what you do and how many lives you touch and change, so. And how professional, just the way you handle yourself.
Benjamin Shield [00:24:23]:
Well, I think even taking us out of that picture, having respect for a partner, when you have respect, it's conflict doesn't really exist or it's quickly resolved if it does flare up because you respect the person. I think so much conflict happens in marriages where they may never have had respect, right. Or they may have lost it. But often people leave falling into a relationship to chance, to fate, just that magical moment, that magical person. And they really don't really. They may spend more time researching what refrigerator to buy than the partner they want to be with, and they just let it happen. One day goes into the third date goes into weekends and holidays and relationship and life, partnership or marriage. But it's really seeing what's important.
Benjamin Shield [00:25:37]:
And just what you said, not so much to me, which, thank you, but for everyone, what we're looking for, kindness. Someone we can respect, someone we can grow with, someone we can learn from and that we can learn from each other.
Lisa Shield [00:25:56]:
Yeah. And I do. I love what you were saying earlier about respect because you won't talk to a man you respect in a certain way. When you respect that Mandev, you just won't like the drama, you know? And second of all, with a man who respects himself, a strong man and the kind of man that a lot of most women, at least, who work with us, are looking for, you just wouldn't even dare because he wouldn't tolerate it. I mean, they just won't put up with it, and you'll lose that so fast. Those guys will walk away a lot of the time. And I think some women don't realize this. They want to play the victim or they don't really want to look at how they're showing up.
Lisa Shield [00:26:49]:
But a lot of times, men don't ask a woman out a second time or don't continue to see her because she's disrespectful. She doesn't know how to talk to a real man, you know, and they just. They walk away. They want to feel, you know, any man who's been down the road being with a woman who didn't respect him, they're not going to put up with it. And I've actually talked to a lot of the men who are in partnership with women who have done our course, and they will say, I have never met a woman who talked to me and treats me the way she does. Yeah. So what else? Like, just a few more tips, babe. Like, how does somebody get here? Because here is where I want everyone to be, and this really is possible, but what is it? How do they get there? I mean, working with us is certainly what is the main way to get there.
Lisa Shield [00:27:54]:
If you want a relationship like this, then you work with people who can show you how to do this. What else?
Benjamin Shield [00:28:02]:
Well, I think the important word is gratitude. That so often people look at the 10% that's not working than the 90% that they should be grateful for. And building on that gratitude that, I think that people wake up and they know that it's going to be a miserable day because they're with their partner. And for the man, he may not feel that he's not respected, which respect for man is even more important than love. He may not have his masculinity married back to him by his partner, and he may really do things that the partner may not feel grateful for. And that would go for both partners, that they both may be working really hard. The other person just sees the faults, but they become invisible. Just, my gosh, she's working 14 hours a day, and because I'm trying to put a roof over her head, or she's saying that I'm taking care of, I've got a full time job, I'm taking care of the household, taking care of the kids.
Benjamin Shield [00:29:16]:
You know, he comes home and he turns the tv on, but they're invisible to all the effort. And our parents generation, and possibly our generation, and maybe the next generation, will often show love by acts of service, by saying, well, I'm just going to work hard, I'm going to provide. And they feel that that's enough. It's not enough, but it's a tremendous amount that should be acknowledged.
Lisa Shield [00:29:49]:
Yeah, well, I think the most important thing is that this is an inside job. You know, that you really have to do the work on yourself to free yourself from your own oppression, your own judgment, your own shame, and make a decision to let those things go. You know, I was so you know, I don't mean to bring this back to us, but I was so grateful that you wanted to be with me. And I felt that you deserved a partner who was happy and whole, that you were such a good man. And I could see all the work you've done. And I felt that my gift to you would be not to put those things on you. Whereas many people go into relationships expecting that they should and that they, you know, that's what your partner's there for. And it doesn't mean I don't go and talk to you about something that goes wrong in my business or an argument with a friend or, you know, anything that's going on in my life.
Lisa Shield [00:31:04]:
But I never come to you and dump on you and use you as a dumping ground. I organize my thoughts, my emotions and all, but you're my number one confidant. I come to you to hear what you have to say, but I would never dump my emotional stuff on you or take it out on you, ever. And I think that that's what some people do in relationships, you know, they just dump on each other, take things out on each other. So I think responsibility and coming back to this idea of being mentally and emotionally mature. So we have a beautiful program called emotionally naked Dating. It is a six month course where you work with us and our beautiful team, and we show you how to not follow the therapeutic model, but to have freedom from all of that real, unconditional, lasting love, what we call a guardian of your soul relationship. So, please, if you're interested, go to lisashield.com, click the button all over my website to watch my free 45 minutes presentation.
Lisa Shield [00:32:26]:
Stay to the end because that's where you can book a call with a member of my team, and she will help you understand how this course can help you find a man like Benjamin to spend your life with. So please, don't wait another moment. I know some of you listen to all of our podcasts every episode, and you're just waiting for that right moment. And in the meantime, years of your life go by and you're missing out on the best thing in life, because we can show you how to get this solved not three years from now, but now. So, thank you for joining us. I'm Lisa Shield.
Benjamin Shield [00:33:08]:
And I'm Benjamin Shield.
Lisa Shield [00:33:09]:
And we wish you a beautiful rest of your day. If you do want to share any ideas for future topics for podcasts, please send them to podcasthield.com, and we'll see you next time. Bye.