In this enlightening episode, love coach Lisa Shield shares her journey and insights gathered over two decades of helping individuals find meaningful connections in the dating world. Lisa begins by recounting her own struggles with dating and how she transformed her love life by embracing personal growth and authentic connections. Lisa emphasizes the common misconception that success in dating is about luck and meeting the "right" person. Instead, she suggests that a deeper, more fulfilling connection can be achieved through self-improvement and genuine communication. She introduces her unique approach, "Emotionally Naked Dating," which encourages individuals to work on themselves internally to create authentic connections without resorting to manipulation or strategies.
In this episode, Lisa Shield, a pioneering love coach with over two decades of experience, delves into the true reasons why many individuals struggle to connect on dates. She shares her philosophy that finding the right connection is more crucial than merely finding the right man. Lisa encourages personal growth alongside dating and teaches listeners how to uncover and address their blind spots that might be holding them back.
Lisa also introduces her emotionally naked dating approach, which prioritizes authentic personal development over tactical dating strategies. She provides practical advice derived from Dale Carnegie’s classic book, "How to Win Friends and Influence People," tailored specifically for dating contexts. Listeners will learn how to engage in meaningful conversations, make their dates feel valued, and genuinely connect on a deeper level.
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**Resources:**
- Free 45-minute presentation: https://www.lisashieldlove.com/registration-page-final-page
**Connect with Us:**
- Website: https://www.lisashield.com/podcast/
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lisashieldcoaching/
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lisashieldcoaching/
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Hello. I am Lisa Shield and I'm a love coach of well over two decades. I am one of the first love coaches on the planet, and I started doing this work when I met my husband. The man I call the guardian of my soul online. Over 22 years ago now, I had been in such horrible relationships and love had been such a struggle for me.
I thought I was really going to grow old alone. Maybe some of you feel the same way, and I made a decision that I was not going to let that happen to me, and so I decided. To go out post my first profile and my one picture on j date.com, that, that was 25 years ago. And I told myself that I was going to date, I was going to learn how to be comfortable with men, sit across from as many men as I possibly could until I really felt I knew the lay of the land and attract.
An extraordinary man to me, and I did. Hi Shah oh seven. It's great to see you back again. So today I am going to talk about. It is not about finding the right man, it's about building the right connection. So many of us are going on dates and we are meeting men and we keep. Thinking, okay, it's just a matter of meeting the right man.
And so all of our focus is put on going on date, after date and thinking he's not a match, and he's not a match. And I like him and he doesn't like me. And Oh, I'm so glad that you're back. Thank you for joining me again. So we think that it all has to do with chemistry and timing, and that dating is a numbers game.
And as long as I've been in this field and in my own life as well, I can tell you for certain that as long as you're going to be going on dates, as long as you're going to be out there meeting men, why not do some. Personal growth. Work on yourself simultaneously so that when you do sit across from a man that you're really excited about, you don't have to just sit and wish and hope and pray for a miracle.
You'll actually know what you're doing. I know that most of you are smart, you're successful, and you know how to hold a great conversation. Many of you can sit across from a guy and chat him up and all. So why does it feel like men aren't meeting you halfway on dates? Could it be that the real issue isn't them, but maybe it's something you don't even know you're not bringing to the table.
What if there are things that you could be doing or not doing and you don't even know what you don't know? And so you finally meet a great guy that you're super excited about and he's just not that into you. You don't know why, and so you're going on dates and the guys that you're into are not into you, and the ones that you're not into really like you.
It isn't about blaming yourself, it's about uncovering blind spots that might be holding you back and learning a different approach to dating. One that will ultimately lead you to the man of your dreams or what I call the guardian of your soul. So today we will talk about having hidden agendas and expectations that might actually be sabotaging your ability to connect with men.
And we'll talk about how my emotionally naked dating approach can help you use dating this whole dating process. To learn how to make more authentic connections with men. So even if you don't wanna see a man again, you can still become comfortable with creating that deep connection with a man. And that is an art that requires practice.
So you don't just wanna keep showing up on dates and randomly hoping that you'll make a connection. You really can learn how to connect with every man you meet so that when you do meet some really great men. You'll be able to create that connection that you've always longed for with them. Many of you are under the illusion that when you meet the perfect guy, it'll be easy to have a deep, intimate conversation with him.
And I wanna put it out there that in my experience, many women choke up when they meet a great guy. They really like. How many of you. Have felt that. I'd love to see, from those of you who are listening, how many of you, have sat across from a really great guy on a date and you choke up, you get in your head and you really, you think that you're confident, but then when you get across, sit across from the sky, you realize.
That you're only as confident as you feel with the man sitting across from you. And if he's bringing out all your insecurities and you start worrying, oh my God, he's so handsome. He's so successful, he's so smart, he's so funny. Am I good enough for him? And it's easy to feel good enough for all the guys that you.
Don't care about the ones that you're really not that into, but what about the guys that you really like? So this isn't gonna be another pep talk about self-worth. You can get that everywhere. And the truth is, I believe that we build self-worth by facing our fears. That's how we really build our self-worth.
So we build self-worth by meeting that really hot guy. The guy that's so smart and funny and successful, and being able to learn how to hold our own in front of a guy like that. Most people have a lot of fears when it comes to dating. Am I good enough? Am I too old? Can a man accept me with all my flaws?
Will he judge me for my past? And dating can bring up tremendous self-doubt. That's one of the things that makes this so awful for so many of us. There's the part of it that's just tedious because we feel we're not meeting. Men of the caliber that we're looking for. And then there's the other part of dating that's awful because it does bring up a lot of our own self-doubt and our own insecurities.
So most of us dream of meeting an extraordinary guy and connecting with him at a soul level. Can I get some? Yes, that's exactly what I'm looking for. I think that's what we're all looking for, is this amazing man that we sit across from and we connect with him, not just. We have a great conversation about whatever, but that we really connect at this deep soul level that's every woman's dream.
Even women who say they have no interest in a man long for this kind of connection. So some of you may be saying to yourself, yeah I'm happy being single. I love my cats or my dogs. I don't need a man. If. Somebody, Greg came along. That would be wonderful, but I don't need it. Look, if you didn't want it.
If women didn't want this movies, like the notebook would be flops. I don't care who you are or what your background is, most women long for true love. Even those women who say that they don't want it or that they're fine without it, the truth is if that amazing man that you just. Connect with who gets you at a soul level and you get him.
If you met that guy, you can't tell me, you would say no to him, but many of you. Haven't really stopped to ask yourselves why it hasn't happened, and it's not just 'cause all the guys are jerks. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of guys that are jerks. There's a lot of women that are jerks. There are a lot of people who are just immature when it comes to relationships.
Those are not the people I'm referring to. You have to ask yourself why. Haven't you attracted the love you truly want? And the problem is that as intelligent as I know all of you are, many of you still think that love and luck go hand in hand and you don't realize that anything in life, you can have this.
But there are some things you need to learn. There's some work you may need to do on yourself. In the area of love and romance in order to attract the man that you want, and I can promise you it is going to probably require some time and some energy that you're going to have to invest in this. You're going to have to face some fears, but if you do the right work.
In this part of your life, you'll become more self-confident and you'll start to attract better and better men. So this talk that I'm doing right now is all about giving you practical tools to connect and deepen your connection with every man you date so you can attract the guardian of your soul. So maybe.
You've spent years building an impressive life, and you think, if a guy sees how amazing I am, he'll just be hooked. But here's the problem. When you focus on impressing a man, the spotlight stays on you and that doesn't leave room for genuine connection. This was a huge mistake I made. I was always going on dates, trying to impress men, and I love, there's a saying, from 12 Step, the, I don't know if you know the 12 steps in the 12 traditions, but one of the 12 traditions is attraction rather than promotion. So I wasn't being attractive. I was be, I was being self-promoting when we're trying to impress a man with who we are. Or how we dress, or what car we drive, or how many friends we have, or how, when we sit across from a man on a date and we're trying to impress him, the spotlight is on us.
So when you focus on proving your self worth, you're not truly seeing or hearing that man in front of you. And men will see that and they'll disconnect from you. Many successful women bring a mental checklist onto their dates and they're sitting there assessing the man, which is also. The opposite of creating a connection because you're up in your head and you're checking off boxes and you're just not in the flow of the moment enjoying, playfulness and fun and just being fluid.
You're thinking to yourself, is he ambitious enough? Is he funny enough? Does he meet my standards? You do need to have standards in dating, summing up a man with a checklist, and think about how you'd feel if a man was sitting across from you doing that. Is she funny? Does she make enough money? How big are her boobs?
I don't know what guys are sitting in summing up? Is she a drama queen? But when we have these checklists, it creates a wall. It blocks the intimacy and think about it. Nobody wants to feel like they're being graded on a date. And you have to know that if you can tell if a guy is sitting across from you on a date and he's scrutinizing you a man feels the same thing.
He can pick up on that energy too. And they can tell because that mental checklist energy puts you in your head and not in your heart. So I wanna talk about how my transformational course, emotionally naked dating, I. Fits into this conversation Emotionally naked dating isn't about games or tactics or fitting someone, finding someone who checks off all the boxes.
The work I do with my clients is about creating. Authentic connection. So when I listen to a lot of other love coaches, I hear them talking about games and strategies. And what I can tell you is they will say when you do this, a man thinks this. And when you know, and you wanna do this so you can get this result, if you're.
Using strategies, and especially a lot of male coaches give you strategies. They will work. They can give you scripts and they can say, do this or say that, or, and you will get results because those things do work. But I work at the level of internal. Personal transformation. So when I'm working with my clients, we're doing the deeper inner work on you, not because of.
How it's going to, IM because you're trying to impact or manipulate a guy, but because this is the genuine way to be, this is who you wanna be as a woman. It's not just how you wanna be, even in dating or with men. You wanna be this way with your children, with your ex-husband, with your parents, with your friends.
It's about learning how to have these beautiful, deep. Spiritual principles of kindness and compassion, genuineness, generosity of spirit, authenticity. And if you're coming at this, thinking if I do this, he'll do that. If I say this, he's gonna say that. And if you're wanting, if your intention is to get a certain outcome, then you're strategizing.
I teach how to be a wonderful woman and then draw that man to you. So one of the most beautiful things you can do is learn how to create a true, authentic connection with a man that is not a strategy or a manipulation. And it's great to see so many of you here. I'd love it if you'd say, hi. Whoops. What's going on here?
It looks like I froze. Huh? Did I freeze here? That is interesting. I see that I froze. Huh? I'm wondering here. Okay. I guess I didn't freeze, but it looks like on Instagram I may have froze. Huh. Alright, if you can that is really weird. All right. I, I did freeze on Instagram. Okay. I'm gonna keep going.
Okay. I'll keep going. I really work from the inside out. I am not giving you strategies to manipulate a man. I'm teaching you how to show up as the best woman you can possibly be and to ask yourself, who am I? And. What kind of woman do I wanna be? One of the things I ask my clients is, if you went on a date with this really great guy and after the date he was talking to his best friend about you, what would you want him to be saying to his best friend?
That, she was just so elegant. She was so articulate. She had so much kindness. I was drawn in by her femininity and this beautiful spirit. I loved her laugh. I could, I kept trying to make her laugh because she had this. Beautiful smile and this beautiful laugh. So you really wanna think about the qualities that you would want to engage men with, the things, the playfulness, the kindness, the compassion, the ways that you wanna engage a man, and how you would want that man to be talking to his best friend about you after the date.
And you do this to develop. Yourself as a woman. When I started dating, I was when I went out and I put myself online over two decades ago actually a quarter of a century ago, was when I first posted my profile on J Date and. I really thought about this and I said, Lisa, you have done so much work on yourself in so many different areas of your life, but you've never really stopped to think about who you are as a woman.
What does it mean to you to be a woman? What kind of woman do you wanna be? How do you wanna develop this part of yourself? And especially with men, I never felt comfortable with men. Could I sit across from a guy and have a conversation? Sure. But I wasn't confident. In my sensuality and my ability to connect with men and engage them.
And I'm wondering how many of you really are, if you're being honest with yourself, are you going on dates and just going through the motions or are you going, really connecting with men from your heart and in a way where you sit back, you walk away from dates, and you think, wow. I'm so proud of the woman I am and how I handled myself on that date.
Let's just see here. I. It says that I am live on Instagram. There we go. I'm back. I'm up and running. I saw that I froze for a minute. Okay let's dive in here. So I wanna talk to you about one of the best books I ever read about creating connection. It's a classic. Many of you have probably read it before, and I'm just going to underscore this with.
We can all read a book, but it's about taking what we learn in that book and actually putting it into practice. So the book I'm talking about is Dale Carnegie's, how to Win Friends and Influence People. How many of you have read that? I'm curious how many of you have read How to Win Friends and Influence People?
Because it is probably the best book ever written about connection. It is super simple. There's nothing fancy about it. But it cuts to the core. He's zeroed in on these very simple principles that are simple, but profound and they're real. When you read 'em, they seem obvious, but when you put them into practice, it is extraordinary how easily and quickly these principles will, will deepen your connections, not just with your dates, but with everybody in your life. So what I love about. This book is that what Carnegie teaches is about showing up as your true self. This has to be genuine. If you use these skills and you use them to manipulate people, yes, you can pull people in.
But I am talking about doing this in a very authentic way and a allow creating a space for the other person to do the same. And it really, these principles align beautifully with my emotionally naked dating approach because they're really about authentic connection. So if you've read How To Win Friends and Influence People, I still encourage you to read it again.
Dating in mind, and even if the writing style makes it seem a little outdated, again, I will tell you it is the best book of its kind. So I wanna share a few insights from the book and just. Go into how you can use these skills on your dates. So the first one is become genuinely interested in other people.
This was huge for me because as I said earlier, I was so self-focused. It was always about me, always me trying to sell myself to people, and it is so important. You connect with your, with that man sitting across from you and you show genuine interest and curiosity in who he is, what he's up to in his life.
That's what. Make somebody lean in and feel seen and heard, but how many of us do this on a date, even with a guy that you know that you won't see again instead of being curious? Like I said before, we have that checklist and we're evaluating is he good enough? Does he meet my standards? And this mindset blocks the connection.
So when you just are genuinely curious about that man sitting across from you when you're interested in someone, I. It shifts the entire energy of the date, and you can make a wonderful connection with any man. And a heart-centered woman treats all men, even the men that she's not attracted to with respect.
So it is so important that you start to develop the skill of connecting in this very deep, authentic way and being genuinely curious about the man sitting across from you, because that's where real connection happens. The second principle I wanna talk about. Is be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves.
Now, I know some of you are hyperventilating right now because you've been on dates with men where all they do is talk about themselves, but this is very different. I think that's a whole different problem that I'm not going to get into right now on this talk. There are men who will sit across from you and just go on and on about themselves, and I can tell you that is usually, if that can, happens to you all the time, there's something you're doing that's allowing it to happen.
And if you do meet a man and you interrupt him and interject and all, and he still doesn't open up the conversation and, engage you as well, then he may just be a narcissist or he may be nervous or experience or whatever, but. Very often when women have that happening repeatedly, there's something they're doing that's allowing it to happen.
So just listening, just sitting across from a man and listening while the other person talks is not about. Is not what we're talking about. I'm talking about being fully engaged and encouraging this person to share by making comments like, wow, that's so fascinating. Or, tell me more about that. When you listen.
In that. In this way, you make the other person see, feel, seen and heard and validated, and isn't that what we all want on a date? So here's how this applies to emotionally naked dating. Listening isn't passive. It's active. So when you're just sitting there nodding along. You're not engaging with what your date says.
You need to ask follow up questions. You need to reflect back what you hear, and you must show that you're genuinely interested in what he's saying. That's how you create an emotional connection that goes way beyond small talk. So you've got to be engaged. You cannot just sit there and nod your head. And even sometimes, some of you will say, oh, it really sounds like you like to golf.
No, it's gotta be much more engaged than that. You really have to say. Tell me what you love so much about golf. I've never really played, and I'd love to hear from your perspective what it is that you love so much about it. So it's the also the quality of the questions that you're asking and how you're encouraging your date to go deeper.
The third principle is make the other person. Feel important and do it sincerely. Do you see that? So what I love about Carnegie is he's not just saying, make the other person feel important, flatter this person. He says, do it sincerely. So you're not flattering someone for the sake of it. It's about noticing and appreciating what makes him unique.
For example, if you're on a date and he shares about how he handled a particular situation with his kids or his boss, you can say, wow, I'm so impressed by how you handled that situation. That was really amazing. It's a simple compliment, but it would make a man see, feel, seen and valued. And in my work, emotionally naked dating compliments must feel authentic.
So we can feel when flattery is false, if it feels like someone's just buttering you up and wants something from you, when you see a man. You admire him and you reflect that back to him, he will feel your respect and it's a turn on. So here are, I wanna give you a few simple ways to apply these principles in dating.
Okay. So the first. Principle was become genuinely interested in other people. So instead of thinking how does he measure up, you wanna shift to what makes this person unique. So instead of thinking, how does he measure up, does he, check off the boxes on my list. When you go on a date with a guy, you wanna be asking yourself, what makes this man unique?
The second principle, be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves. How can you apply that? On dates? This means listening actively, paraphrasing what he says, and encouraging him to go deeper by saying things like, tell me more about that. What fascinates you so much about that?
And then the third principle, make the other person feel important and do it sincerely. This one's magic. I guarantee you if you do this with the right men and you really are sincere and you do it well, you if you're struggling to get second and third and fourth dates. This could have a lot to do with it.
So if he shares a passion or a dream that he has, acknowledge it. Get curious about it. Say something like, it's amazing how passionate you are about this. So shift the focus. Be curious, not critical. If he's talking about a hobby, you find boring. Don't tune out. Just instead say, what do you love most about this hobby?
How did you get into it? Find the spark in his passion. And if you find that men are self-absorbed and they're not engaging with you, no matter what you do, move on. You're not obligated. To sit there, you can end the date, but if it is a pattern and it keeps happening, you need to recognize it because you're the common denominator.
So these are just a few tips from Dale Carnegie for creating connection and applying it to dating. And you can go on every date and you can do these three simple things. And create the most amazing connection with that man sitting across from you. So if this resonated with you, if you wanna learn more about the work I do, I want you to go to lisa shield.com and click the button on my website to watch my presentation.
There's also the link here, right on this live where you can also go to. Sign up for a call with a member of my team. We've been doing this for over 22 years now, so we're very good at what we do. I have transformed. Hundreds, if not thousands of women's lives, and I don't just show you how to find any guy.
I show you how to find the guardian of your soul. Thank you so much for joining me. Please come back again and send your suggestions for future topics. Hello, at lisa shield.com. Thank you. You can also go to Lisa Shield Coaching and follow me on Instagram. You can go to Lisa Shield dating and relationships and follow me on Facebook and the last.
Thing you can do is join my Facebook group, finding the Guardian of Your Soul. If you wanna learn more about my upcoming events, that's where you will find it, and you will also find lots of my future lives and live streams and podcasts all there. So please follow me, tell your friends, come back and see me again and enjoy the have a beautiful rest of your day.