In this episode of 'Finding the Guardian of Your Soul,' Lisa and Benjamin Shield explore the profound dynamics of a committed relationship and what drives a man to want to commit. With insightful observations and personal experiences, they discuss the importance of creating space, nurturing personal dreams, and supporting each other's growth. Their discussion emphasizes the significance of friendship, trust, and the ability to mirror masculinity in fostering a strong, enduring connection. Join them for an enriching dialogue about gratitude, compassion, and the deep commitment that underpins a loving partnership.
Key Takeaways:
1. Establishing Friendship and Building Trust: Benjamin and I prioritized getting to know each other before rushing into anything, taking the time to build trust and a sense of safety within the relationship.
2. Nurturing Dreams and Personal Freedom: Supporting each other's individual journeys has been foundational to our relationship. This includes providing space, respecting personal ambitions, and not living someone else's dream.
3. Reflecting Masculinity and Femininity: Understanding the importance of mirroring each other's masculine and feminine energies has been a cornerstone of our lasting romance, promoting growth, gratitude, and deep appreciation.
Listen to the full episode for an in-depth exploration into understanding, connecting, and finding the guardian of your soul. Stay tuned for more episodes as we continue to share valuable insights and experiences. #Podcast #Relationships #Love #Commitment #FindingTheGuardianOfYourSoul
The Art of Giving Space in Relationships: "I gave you space. And the space wasn't just a physical distance. I don't crowd you emotionally. I don't pull on you emotionally, and I give you space."— Lisa Shield
Lisa Shield [00:00:05]:
Hello, everybody, I'm Lisa Shield.
Benjamin Shield [00:00:08]:
And I'm Benjamin Shield.
Lisa Shield [00:00:10]:
And this is getting inside the right male mind. Hi, babe.
Benjamin Shield [00:00:14]:
Good morning.
Lisa Shield [00:00:15]:
How are you doing?
Benjamin Shield [00:00:16]:
Good.
Lisa Shield [00:00:21]:
Sometimes I feel like we're in a 1950s talk show when we start these podcast. Good morning, dear. So I am so excited about today's topic. We are going to be talking about what makes a man want to commit, right? Which I think is just probably the most important question of all. Right. Like, if you're thinking, baby, about dating and attracting a wonderful partner, that's a question every woman should be asking herself.
Benjamin Shield [00:01:00]:
And men want to commit, but they want to commit with the right person, with the right conditions.
Lisa Shield [00:01:06]:
So, babe, what would be some things that a man would need, would want from a woman in order to commit to her?
Benjamin Shield [00:01:17]:
I think a lot of men have been frightened with past relationships. They've been frightened that their life has become more narrow than more expansive. So if a man walks into a relationship and he feels that his life is going to be more expansive, even if it means that two people may be on different paths, but his life can be bigger because of the relationship. That is the main thing.
Lisa Shield [00:01:47]:
Wow. And a man's biggest fear is giving up his personal freedom. Absolutely.
Benjamin Shield [00:01:57]:
And a lot of men have equated getting into a relationship or getting into marriage as a sacrifice.
Lisa Shield [00:02:05]:
Babe, tell me about what personal freedom means to a man. Why is it so important?
Benjamin Shield [00:02:13]:
Well, it means that he can follow his dreams so that if he has a dream of becoming something or accomplishing something, that there is someone behind him or next to him, I should say supporting him, rather than saying, you can't do that, because look at the reality of it. We can't afford it, we don't have time. All of those things. Life just seems to become more and more and more narrow.
Lisa Shield [00:02:49]:
And there's a lot of men who really do give up their dreams for women.
Benjamin Shield [00:02:54]:
Absolutely.
Lisa Shield [00:02:55]:
Oh, my God.
Benjamin Shield [00:02:56]:
Absolutely.
Lisa Shield [00:02:57]:
And the women aren't happy. I think a lot of times the men feel not only did they give up their dream, but also the woman isn't happy. He gave up his dream and it still didn't make her happy.
Benjamin Shield [00:03:11]:
Well, I think two things happen. A man looks to a woman to be a teacher, and often a woman will give up her power in a relationship, and a man will come in and try to provide and all that, and he may make sacrifices of his dream, his ambitions, the things he wants to accomplish, and he won't be happy, but the woman who looks to him will feel that he's given up his drive his power. And so there's not only resentment between the two of them that develops, but also personal intrapersonal resentment within each of the persons.
Lisa Shield [00:03:56]:
Wow. When you say a man looks to a woman to be a teacher, tell me, what do you mean by that?
Benjamin Shield [00:04:05]:
Well, women have something that men don't have, and there is a certain power, and I'm not trying to dramatize it.
Lisa Shield [00:04:12]:
What do women have that men don't have? Honey?
Benjamin Shield [00:04:14]:
They have a certain wisdom, they have a certain connection to nature, the earth. They have a nurturing power. And it's things that men don't get from other men. All of these things are things that men only can only get from another woman in a heterosexual relationship. And so often when two people get together, they give up these essential qualities that initially attracted each other.
Lisa Shield [00:04:54]:
Wow. And are so much at the heart of a romantic relationship. I mean, keeping that alive, right? That beautiful masculine, feminine spark. Because we come to you to be teachers to us as well.
Benjamin Shield [00:05:11]:
Right? And when we think, particularly in younger years, of what attracts a woman to a man, part of it is a man's drive, his ambitions, his dreams, a little bit of wildness. And that is unique to men. Yeah, to men. And if a man gives that up to compromise, to feel that he's sacrificing, I think what I would say to both men and women entering a relationship is that we never, ever want to live someone else's dream.
Lisa Shield [00:05:50]:
Right.
Benjamin Shield [00:05:51]:
And so often either sex, but we're talking about a man right now, will go into a relationship and so much want to make the woman happy, or is so concerned about making her sad or angry on the other side of that, that he will begin to live her dream.
Lisa Shield [00:06:13]:
Do you feel that way with me?
Benjamin Shield [00:06:15]:
No. On our wedding day, my vows to you was to be a guardian of your soul.
Lisa Shield [00:06:25]:
I know.
Benjamin Shield [00:06:26]:
And I feel that you are the guardian of my soul.
Lisa Shield [00:06:30]:
What does that mean? What does that mean?
Benjamin Shield [00:06:33]:
It means supporting each other's soul's journey, wherever it takes a person. And so I've said this before. If you needed to go to India for seven weeks or seven years, I would be there to support you. And I have been. You've gone away. I've got new cabins on the russian river in wine country to write your book up in the mountains, which actually.
Lisa Shield [00:07:00]:
Turned into my twelve. Most people would turn their twelve week course into a book.
Benjamin Shield [00:07:05]:
Right.
Lisa Shield [00:07:06]:
I turned my book into a twelve week course.
Benjamin Shield [00:07:09]:
And you have always supported me in my. Have I teaching. I've sometimes have begun weeks at a time in Europe and throughout the States.
Lisa Shield [00:07:19]:
And you felt supported?
Benjamin Shield [00:07:21]:
Absolutely.
Lisa Shield [00:07:22]:
Good.
Benjamin Shield [00:07:23]:
And so we have that luxury.
Lisa Shield [00:07:28]:
How did you feel supported?
Benjamin Shield [00:07:30]:
Well, we have that luxury of knowing that we don't have to grow together entirely together. And by being supported, even if our dreams diverge, it actually brings us closer together with even greater intimacy because we know that we're supporting each other and that we're being supported.
Lisa Shield [00:07:50]:
Yeah. What do I do for women listening, they want to know. They get that you need this, but it's also very important to understand how I do this in the relationship. What does it look like? Because how would a woman who wants to convey her support in a guy's dreams and visions talk about what I would need to do to make you feel supported?
Benjamin Shield [00:08:24]:
Well, I mean, starting at the beginning of the year after we met, we got a house together. It was a year before we got married. We just knew that we were going to be together without question. And I had been a bachelor for a lot of years and really enjoyed my time, my space, and really didn't know what that would look like living full time with someone. So in my profession, when we moved into the new house, you really envisioned a workspace for me. We turned the garage into this beautiful, beautiful studio. Gorgeous. And we put in a refrigerator, a microwave, cable TV.
Benjamin Shield [00:09:15]:
I forgot what else to be. Kind of my man cave. And you pick things out. And the fact that you did it. I didn't need it.
Lisa Shield [00:09:29]:
Right.
Benjamin Shield [00:09:29]:
I mean, within weeks, the microwave, the refrigerator, the cable TV, all that went out because I knew that I could have it, and I didn't need the physical trappings to have it. And we could even have it in the same room, being intimate and engaged, but doing our own thing. And so right at the beginning, I know that you would give me space. So I didn't need to grab it. I didn't need to prove myself. And I think a lot of men have affairs because they may feel trapped in a relationship or resentful that their life has been limited, and so they'll seek out something in other ways outside the primary relationship.
Lisa Shield [00:10:16]:
Right. There was something we were talking about before the broadcast. I lost my train of thought, but go back. Go back a little bit.
Benjamin Shield [00:10:33]:
Well, we were talking about male power and female power.
Lisa Shield [00:10:42]:
Well, I think so many. I know what it was. I was giving you time. I gave you space. And the space wasn't just a physical distance. I don't crowd you emotionally. I don't pull on you emotionally, and I give you space. If I can see that you're tired or even if I want you to stay up with me and stroke my hair at night a little bit longer, but I know you're so tired.
Lisa Shield [00:11:15]:
I never try to pull on you or keep you. I let you have all the freedom you need.
Benjamin Shield [00:11:23]:
And a large part of that is that you don't take things personally, which means that I have the space to be grumpy sometimes, or to be tired and not want to do something, or to have my own plans. And I don't have to walk on eggshells. So it's that space that's created that I could just be myself, as anyone on the planet is going to be grumpy now and then, or tired or busy or stressed or all those things. And it so compounds things when the partner takes its personal weight. And I've been in relationships where I've had to walk in eggshells. I've been in relationships where I've said I'm sorry more than I've said I love you. And it just narrows. It just narrows and one begins to either withhold emotions and hide them, or I really be afraid to express them.
Lisa Shield [00:12:37]:
And it's so sad, I think without knowing it, babe, in those relationships, we hurt each other so much.
Benjamin Shield [00:12:48]:
Yeah. And I think that's where a lot of relationships, how they devolve, in that both partners give up their space, they give up their dreams, they give up the fire in the belly. And what's left is resentment and trying to cope with each other and trying to hold the relationship together.
Lisa Shield [00:13:16]:
And a man coming in, especially a man coming into a relationship, he's experienced a lot of women or women who have tried to limit him or take away his freedom or manipulate his feelings for her. Right.
Benjamin Shield [00:13:35]:
Well, in some ways, that's the definition of entering a relationship, that there are all the relationships in the past somehow haven't worked. Something happened.
Lisa Shield [00:13:48]:
Right?
Benjamin Shield [00:13:49]:
And so with all of these cumulative additive events and memories and histories and hurts and wounds, by the time someone enters, they're ready to settle down. They have all these. Their radar is up, their warning signals are up. And I think the disappointment is even greater because when a man approaches a relationship that looks like it's going to be the one, if they don't get to know the person and establish friendship and establish things like knowing that he could have space, that there's projection, that, well, I'm going to have space. And when it doesn't happen, it's even a greater fall from grace because the projections just crumble.
Lisa Shield [00:14:46]:
Wow.
Benjamin Shield [00:14:47]:
So these things really have to be established during the friendship during the trust and safety phase, during the know each other phase. And a lot of people just skip this phase entirely for intimacy, sexual intimacy, and then they're pretending they're lovers, and that stage of really knowing that there's trust and safety and space and all of that and friendship that never gets developed.
Lisa Shield [00:15:20]:
Never gets developed. We both came into this relationship with the intention of establishing the friendship, and you set that up so early on, I think after three or five dates, something like that, you just said to me, I've rushed into things before. You're so cute. You started with, I really like you, and I really want to get to know you. Oh, my God, those were the most beautiful words. And you said, and I'm not rushing into anything, including sex. And we were so both on the same page, it was extraordinary. And we established we took the time to get to know each other.
Benjamin Shield [00:16:10]:
And I think if we didn't take that time, we wouldn't have what we have during these 20 years together.
Lisa Shield [00:16:18]:
And just so everybody knows, we didn't know friends. We were perfect strangers. We met on an online dating site, JDate. And, yeah, we didn't rush into anything. We were two people who felt something extra, you know, felt like there was real potential there. But we didn't rush. We didn't get ahead of ourselves. And what was it about me? Honey, again, other than giving you space, what are some other things? Because you went home after our very first date, and this just means the world to me.
Lisa Shield [00:17:00]:
After our first date, you went home and took down your profile.
Benjamin Shield [00:17:06]:
Well, on that first date, it was like we were in a bell jar, that there were just the two of us and nothing else existed. You weren't looking at the phone. You weren't looking at people who were walking, entering the restaurant, and breaking our contact. The focus was as mine was with you, just as if we were in a bell jar and nothing else existed. Our second date, which was about because you had gone away for three and a half weeks, and I marked the day on my calendar that you returned, and I called you. That day, our second date, we were so much in a bell jar, we didn't realize we were at a charity vent in someone's backyard, and we didn't realize that not only had everyone left, but the catering company had folded up every table and chair to remove the food, and we were the only table there. I think they just didn't want to bother us because they saw how engaged we were. And this was well into the night.
Benjamin Shield [00:18:07]:
Everyone had left this huge gathering and so I felt that there's another type of space, which is a space of intimacy that is created. And during that time, trust and safety and friendship and getting to know each other and humor and seriousness and all of that gets laid down. And it's a foundation that everything is built on.
Lisa Shield [00:18:46]:
Yeah, I'm just listening to you talk and I'm thinking that this romance has been extraordinary. Magical. Magical. And not only has it not ended, but it's gotten better and better. Part of that is our incredible gratitude for everything that we have and the fact that we don't take things for granted and we continue to appreciate. I think that's another thing. Just gratitude and appreciation. A woman who's grateful, right?
Benjamin Shield [00:19:35]:
Yeah, absolutely.
Lisa Shield [00:19:37]:
I mean, what does that do for you? I'm listening to you talk and I'm thinking in every moment that you were reliving there. I'm so grateful for everything you do for me.
Benjamin Shield [00:19:52]:
Well, first it makes me feel great, but it also makes me feel more masculine. And I think one of the things that why a man wants to commit is that a woman makes him feel masculine and he needs that. If there's one thing in a relationship that he really needs is his masculinity married back to him. And if he doesn't get it in the primary relationship, he'll get it outside, whether it's just like having an affair or going to strip bars where he's just pretending and doling out dollars and someone pretending to mirror their masculinity back. But they need it that much that they're willing to really do these goofy things where they're just pretending. They're just handing out dollar bills or whatever and having it mirrored back in a pretend. Just pretend.
Lisa Shield [00:20:49]:
And talk about this beautiful concept that you have of a woman mirroring a man's masculinity back to him. How would a woman do that? Just some examples. And why is that so important for a man? How does it make him feel when she does it?
Benjamin Shield [00:21:09]:
Well, it makes him feel like a million bucks. It makes him feel like he's standing on a mountain. And it could be like just saying, you're my hero. Or even though she knows she could do something better, like plan a trip or something like that herself, that allowing him to do that and letting a man be a man, allowing him to open up the door.
Lisa Shield [00:21:37]:
And why is that so important? Opening up a door?
Benjamin Shield [00:21:41]:
Well, a man wants to take care of a woman.
Lisa Shield [00:21:46]:
Why?
Benjamin Shield [00:21:49]:
Because that's about being a man. That's the simple and long answer. A man needs to be a man. And there are simple things, simple gestures that a man does, and also grand gestures as well. And I'm not saying that relationships aren't always without sacrifice, but the sacrifice is volitional. It's voluntary. It's like, I love you so much that I'm willing to do this for you consciously, with both wide eyes, wide open, both feet in, and rather than sacrifices being imposed on someone, two very different things.
Lisa Shield [00:22:46]:
Yeah. One is very emasculating when a man is just sacrificing and sacrificing.
Benjamin Shield [00:22:55]:
Yeah. Again, it's living someone else's dream.
Lisa Shield [00:23:01]:
Well, and I'll tell you something. I know that you would do almost anything in the world for me, and I pay a lot of attention to what I ask of you, knowing that, knowing how much you will do and would do. I don't want to take advantage of you or your love for me.
Benjamin Shield [00:23:26]:
And I feel that. I know that. And it makes me want to do even more for you.
Lisa Shield [00:23:32]:
Damn it. I know. Stop that. No, I know. I feel so fortunate in our relationship because I know what love is. To feel just loved every day, to wake up. Right. And to know that we would never want to hurt each other.
Lisa Shield [00:24:03]:
I remembered there were times when we'd just be playing and I would make a frown face or something and you would literally stop. You didn't assume that I was playing. You would stop and say, are you okay?
Benjamin Shield [00:24:19]:
Well, I actually may have known that you were playing, but the side of you with a frown on everything just stopped.
Lisa Shield [00:24:28]:
Everything stopped. But we don't want to hurt each other.
Benjamin Shield [00:24:35]:
No. And I think if people wake up in the morning, wake up together, and they feel that this is going to be an expansive day, I have someone at my back. I have someone who's my greatest supporter right next to me. I have someone who is going to nurture my dreams and who I am and who I could be. I think in our relationship we both saw who we could be and we nurtured that we wouldn't be the same people we are today without the relationship we've had supporting each other and seeing what each other can be.
Lisa Shield [00:25:18]:
Well, and I think about how much I support you in being you, and it looks different from how I think people would think. I listen to what you say to me about who you are in the world, what matters to you, how you choose to run your practice, how you see yourself, your self image and all. And I know that's who you are. Right? You've told me who you are and what matters to you. And then I make sure that I support and encourage that dream. How you see yourself I put a positive reflection back. I don't try to tell you how you can make your business bigger or how you could do this thing or that thing at all. I love who you see yourself as all.
Lisa Shield [00:26:19]:
And I just want to make you feel so good about the person that you are in the world. Does that make sense?
Benjamin Shield [00:26:26]:
Yeah, absolutely.
Lisa Shield [00:26:30]:
Yeah. Well, honey, it has been a joy. I love having these conversations with you because I learned so much and I'm reminded so much of all the beautiful things that have happened in our relationship. And also it just feels good. I don't know. Sometimes if we give the audience the most specific tips on how to do these things, one of the hard things, one of the things I'm realizing about the work I do in emotionally naked dating for anybody who doesn't know it is a twelve week program that Benjamin and I teach together. And if you want to learn about it, you can go to lisashield.com, click the link to watch the presentation. I know what I was going to say.
Lisa Shield [00:27:20]:
I don't always give specific tips. My work is really about coming from the heart. And when you have true compassion, when you really are coming from love and compassion and kindness, and it's so genuine, there's no strategy for getting there. It has to be something that it's more spiritual and it's more internal, but there's no real step by step cheese. That's what my twelve week course is. Opening up your heart and learning how to authentically love and attract a guardian of your soul. Close.