In this episode of "Getting Inside the Right Male Mind," hosts Lisa and Benjamin Shield delve into the damaging dynamics of breadcrumbing—where one partner offers minimal effort and mixed signals to keep the other person emotionally invested without genuine commitment. They emphasize the importance of recognizing and breaking free from such patterns, promoting self-compassion, radical vulnerability, and the courage to end unfulfilling relationships for personal growth. Listeners are encouraged to visit Lisa's website, lisashield.com, for further resources on overcoming these harmful relationship behaviors.
Introduction:
Welcome to another enlightening episode of Getting Inside the RIGHT Male Mind, hosted by Lisa Shield and Benjamin Shield. Today, we dive deep into the emotional quagmire of breadcrumbing in relationships—a toxic dynamic where one person gives minimal effort, keeping the other clinging to the hope of something more meaningful. In this episode titled "Why We Breadcrumb and How It’s Holding You Back from Real Love," Lisa and Benjamin explore the intricate power imbalances and emotional manipulation inherent in breadcrumbing, highlighting its damaging effects on both individuals involved.
We'll discuss the pervasive patterns of mixed signals, avoidance of deep conversations, and last-minute plans, which often leave the breadcrumbed individual feeling undervalued and frustrated. Through personal anecdotes, client stories, and psychological insights, our hosts emphasize the critical importance of self-love, self-compassion, and the courage to walk away from unhealthy relational patterns.
Tune in as Lisa and Benjamin guide you through recognizing these harmful behaviors, breaking the addictive cycle of false hope, and embarking on a journey toward genuine connections. Remember to visit lisashield.com for more resources and to share this episode with anyone who might benefit from this crucial conversation. This is your chance to learn, heal, and find the true guardian of your soul.
Lisa Shield [00:00:01]:
Hello, everybody. Welcome to Getting inside the Right Male mind. I'm Lisa Shield.
Benjamin Shield [00:00:06]:
And I'm Benjamin Shield.
Lisa Shield [00:00:08]:
And we are very excited about today's topic because this came up in our mastermind group last night with one of our clients. We realized that she is in a relationship now where she is breadcrumbing a man, and that this is a pattern that has gone through her entire life. And as we were talking about it, it became a topic that was very, very, very rich for exploration. So let's talk first, babe, I want to explain or give a definition of what breadcrumbing is.
Benjamin Shield [00:00:51]:
And breadcrumbing is when one person gives just enough attention or affection to really keep another person hooked in. And that person who is hooked in wants more from the relationship than the breadcrumber is willing to give.
Lisa Shield [00:01:07]:
And they just feed them breadcrumbs. It's like they want the whole loaf. And they're waiting around thinking that if I just keep showing up, if I'm there, if I show her how much I love her, how much I see who she is or who he is, then eventually this person will fall in love with me too. And it's this feeling for the person that's being breadcrumbed. The other person knows that they don't have feelings for this person. This person is just a placeholder, and they have no interest in a future. They know that they won't develop feelings, but they keep the other person around and give them justice, enough attention to keep them hooked. And it's an awful thing to be on either side of this equation.
Benjamin Shield [00:02:01]:
And many of us have been on both sides of this where we've been infatuated with another person and wanted them to have the same reciprocal feelings. And we've just waited for a text to come in, a phone call to come in, an email, any sign. And when it comes in, it just hooks us. And they care. They really care. And in reality, the person is just fitting that person into their schedule when it's convenient for them.
Lisa Shield [00:02:32]:
Yeah. And our client. What we saw with our client as we started to unwrap the situation was that she didn't even realize that's what she was doing. There's a man who has very, very strong feelings for her. He's really in love with her, and he tells her constantly how much he loves her. And she has. She thinks that she's being very vulnerable. And she's an honest.
Lisa Shield [00:03:02]:
Because she's told him, I'm not in love with you. I don't have the same feelings I want to be friends. You can. It's okay for us to hang out and for you to hang around. But the problem is that this man keeps saying, oh, I know you're going to fall in love with me. I know it'll happen. You're the only person I want to be with. And she thinks that because she's telling him how she feels, that's okay, because she's let him know.
Lisa Shield [00:03:34]:
But the truth is, he doesn't want to date anybody else, and he's just waiting until she falls for him.
Benjamin Shield [00:03:43]:
And it's an addictive behavior for both people. For the person who's breadcrumbing, they get the fix from someone who is just constantly just pouring out their love and respect and adoration for them and at.
Lisa Shield [00:03:59]:
Her beck and call.
Benjamin Shield [00:04:01]:
Yeah, absolutely. And for the person who's being breadcrumbed, it's an addiction, because they keep thinking, they keep looking for that fix, that email, that text, something that will prove that the other person truly cares after all.
Lisa Shield [00:04:16]:
And every time she calls him or needs him to do something or he calls her and says, hey, I'm going to Costco. Do you need something? I'll pick it up for you. And she says, oh, yeah. It makes him. It gives him that illusion that she needs him and that she. That there are things he can do for her to make her happy. And the truth is, she's on the dating app. She's dating other people.
Benjamin Shield [00:04:41]:
Yeah. And if she finds someone who she really likes, she would drop him like a hot potato.
Lisa Shield [00:04:47]:
Yeah. And he'll get his heart broken. But she thinks that she's being honest and she doesn't see how she's breadcrumbing him. And what happened was, as we started to talk about this even further, she said, there's something that you don't know about me. And she started to describe her past, her history. And as it turns out, there have been many men in her life who she has breadcrumbed and who she's essentially used in one way or another, knowing that these men were way more. That they were in love with her and she couldn't reciprocate their feelings.
Benjamin Shield [00:05:28]:
Yeah. And it's often a sign that someone is incapable or unwilling to have a healthy relationship. So they satisfy this need, which never really satisfies of someone who, you know, having someone at their beck and call and in overview, that the person who's breadcrumbing loses respect for the other person.
Lisa Shield [00:05:53]:
Or never doesn't respect the person, they lose respect, but they never really had respect. And then they lose more respect because this person just keeps sticking around and accepting breadcrumbs. And it's just. It's an insidious situation. So let's. Yeah, go ahead.
Benjamin Shield [00:06:13]:
And one of the reasons why they perpetuate a relationship, the breadcrumber does, is that, you know, they say, well, if I break it up, I'll break this off. I'll break their heart. And the kindest thing they could do for this person, the kindest thing would be to really break the relationship off entirely and break the addiction between these two people.
Lisa Shield [00:06:38]:
Well, and there's a lot of dishonesty and self deception for the person who's doing the breadcrumbing because they tell themselves this is a grown person and they can leave at any time and they're choosing to stay, they're choosing to stick around. And I've told them that I'm not interested, that it's not going to be anything more than just a friendship. And yet they know that that person is hungry for more. And our particular client said, I see the happiness on his face when I give him a hug and how much he loves the attention that I give him.
Benjamin Shield [00:07:18]:
And we don't know when he goes home if he's just completely depressed. And because he knows in his heart of hearts that she's not into him, that she's holding onto him and that he's being emasculated like a puppy dog, just following her around, trying to please her, trying to be a nice guy rather than a kind man.
Lisa Shield [00:07:42]:
Well, and waiting for breadcrumbs. He's waiting and getting a fix each time. She says, sure, you can go to Costco. If you're going to Costco, pick me up some stuff. And then he knows he'll be able to see her and it'll give him an excuse to come over. We had a client who was on the opposite side of this, who was being breadcrumbed. And I want to talk about, for everybody out there, signs that you're being breadcrumbed or that you're breadcrumbing somebody. So let's talk about what those signs are so people can identify if this is happening in their relationship.
Benjamin Shield [00:08:22]:
Well, one thing is inconsistent communication. It's sporadic, it's unpredictable, and it leaves a person wondering where they stand. And it's almost like that Skinner box experiment with the psychologist and the rats, that if they give inconsistent rewards, they get more and more amped. They'll press the bar more and more because it's inconsistent. And it's crazy making.
Lisa Shield [00:08:51]:
It's crazy making for the person who's being breadcrumbed. And then there are vague promises and there's no future plans. What will happen is the person who is breadcrumbing will just make vague promises, like they'll hint at a future or hint at something, but they won't ever really do anything or set something up or actually make plans.
Benjamin Shield [00:09:19]:
And these people can. These breadcrumbers can be true avoidance, or they could be in a relationship and just trying to have something, a friend with benefits on the side that's completely hidden. And. And they don't incorporate them. The person who's being breadcrumb, they don't incorporate them. They don't let them meet their family. They don't let them meet their friends, their colleagues. They keep that.
Benjamin Shield [00:09:43]:
Often keep that person a secret.
Lisa Shield [00:09:46]:
Yeah. And then minimal effort or investment on the part of the person who's breadcrumbing. Like, if you're in a relationship and you're just putting in minimal effort, and so many of you feel this online, right, where you're online dating and you're communicating with somebody, maybe you're texting back and forth or. But there's. It's just. They're putting in such minimal effort, but you're so hungry for love and attention, and maybe this person seems really hot on paper. And so you just keep taking those breadcrumbs, those sort of. That, like that Skinner experiment, like you said.
Lisa Shield [00:10:29]:
It's like they know how to hook you and keep you on the hook, but it's so minimal. It's just. There's casual plans. You're sort of a filler. They say, well, maybe, you know, we can get together tonight. And then if they. If they don't have other plans, they may hit you up last minute to say you want to grab a bite or something, or cancel the date if.
Benjamin Shield [00:10:53]:
Something better comes up.
Lisa Shield [00:10:53]:
Something better comes up. Yeah. But you just feel like an afterthought. And then another one is they just avoid ever having deep conversations with you.
Benjamin Shield [00:11:03]:
Yeah. First, they may not be capable of deep conversations, but they don't want it to go any farther. They're actually afraid that person being breadcrumbed will say, I'm really not happy with this. This isn't satisfying. Because they want to hold on to that person and they don't want the deep conversation that just, you don't have time for me. We don't make plans. You don't introduce me to your inner circle and you call me at Last minute. I think only when other things fall through or you don't have plans.
Benjamin Shield [00:11:34]:
And it's completely unsatisfying. They never want that conversation.
Lisa Shield [00:11:37]:
Well, and they also don't want to talk about relationship goals and commitment, so they're avoiding that as well, because they have no intention of forming a relationship with you or having a commitment. So they just avoid having deep conversations.
Benjamin Shield [00:11:56]:
So there are all these constant mixed signals. It's almost like having one arm inviting and the other pushing away at the same. Same time. And the person being breadcrumb is going to feel both, but he's always hoping for it and holding out for the welcoming hand.
Lisa Shield [00:12:18]:
Yeah. And then the last thing. And this is a big one to look out for. We alluded to it a little a minute ago, but you always feel like they're fitting you into their schedule. They're never. It's. They're not saying, well, what would you like to do? Or if you have plans, let's say it's the holidays and you invite them to come to your place with your friends or your family for Thanksgiving dinner. There's an excuse or a reason why they don't want to join you.
Lisa Shield [00:12:49]:
They never want to do things on your terms or the kinds of things you want to do, but they'll bring you along or they'll fit you into their schedule. And this was a big one with the woman who was being breadcrumbed in our mastermind a couple of years ago. She was always fitting into his schedule. He traveled a lot for work, and he was always, always busy with this very, like, seemingly important job. And then when he would come home, there would be a romantic weekend or something. And she told herself, well, he cares so much about me. He's so busy. I understand.
Benjamin Shield [00:13:32]:
And when this project is over, he'll have more time for me. Or when the next project or the project after that, he'll have more time.
Lisa Shield [00:13:41]:
Yeah, yeah. And he made her feel important when he was there with her. But when he was away, she was in agony. It was agonizing for her. And so she was like a drug addict. Back to that addiction piece where when he was there and they had that wonderful weekend together, she was elated. But then she came crashing down when he would go away and she would have to micromanage her feelings and try to pretend like it wasn't hurting her as much as it was, but it was always on his terms.
Benjamin Shield [00:14:19]:
And because there's no real conversation about the relationship that there's. I think there's always that Aspect in the back of a person's mind, is he seeing someone else or is she seeing someone else?
Lisa Shield [00:14:32]:
Yep. So it's really important to have compassion for both sides. We don't act out in these ways necessarily to be mean. Even though the behaviors can seem mean and thoughtless. It's so important when somebody has very strong feelings for you that you cannot reciprocate, that you cut that relationship off and let it go. The kindest thing you can do for somebody who is in love with you or feels romantic feelings towards you that you cannot reciprocate is to let that person go. Because they will always be waiting for an opportunity that's not going to come. Let's talk about the person who's doing the breadcrumbing.
Lisa Shield [00:15:27]:
Why do they do it, honey?
Benjamin Shield [00:15:29]:
Well, often they have a fear of being alone. That and often they're addicted to having people just admire them without really showing their true selves. They play at this superficial level to keep someone hooked in, but it's never really the real person, whether they know who they are or not. They just don't show it. Whether they're capable or not capable of it. There's this feeling, these endorphins of just someone just pining over them. And also just knowing that even if the breadcrumber is alone that night, they know that someone is out there really pining for them, wanting them. And it's an addiction to want to be wanted.
Lisa Shield [00:16:13]:
Well, and I think that underneath all of that, if we were going to get to the place of having the most compassion for somebody who's doing this, even though the truth is they are using this other person for their own benefit. Underneath this is a person who is so terrified that they will never find someone else. And probably a person who's never really had a truly emotionally naked, loving relationship in her life. And so she's lying to herself, keeping this person around so that there's at least somebody in her life. But underneath that is terror that if she lets this person go, there may be nobody else. And I remember in my own marriage, my first marriage, I don't think I didn't breadcrumb my ex husband, but I knew he wasn't the right person for me. And I stayed in that relationship out of fear of being alone. Because I had never been in a great relationship with a man who I really felt was the kind of man I was dreaming of being with.
Lisa Shield [00:17:33]:
And I was so terrified that if I left my ex husband, I'd be alone for the rest of my life. And I never would find the kind of man I wanted. And in all honesty, there was a tremendous amount of work I had to do on myself before I could have this relationship. I could have never attracted a man like you if I hadn't done that work. And so when I think about this woman who we love so much, she's so dear to us and she is such a wonderful client. She comes on the calls, she's as honest as she can possibly be, she's there to grow and learn. She respects us and the women, the other women in the mastermind so much. And she's really been vulnerable with us.
Lisa Shield [00:18:25]:
And sometimes we don't know what we don't know until we just put our cards on the table and we say, look, I'm doing this to this man and I've done this to three other men in my life. And the other day when we, yesterday when we were talking about this, I said to her, I said, I really want you to think about what it's costing you to keep doing what you're doing. And I said, just add up the number of years that you were in all of these relationships because the biggest cost is time. We'll never get back the time that we waste in these relationships.
Benjamin Shield [00:19:12]:
Time and the quality of relationship and.
Lisa Shield [00:19:17]:
Not growing because we're perpetuating a pattern that we can't see. And until we get into a program like ours and we get emotionally naked and especially in a group like our mastermind group where you have soul sisters who and the two of us, but people who are wise and love you and go through this whole year long process with you, that's where you really get real and raw. And some of the women were reflecting back to her last night what was going on and what they saw. And it was just incredible to hear some of the feedback, not just from us, but from the other women in the group who love her and really don't judge her for what she's doing, but were really naked and honest and real with her about the impact of what she's doing on this guy. Yeah, yeah. Yep. There's a saying that I brought up, and I know it's a little cryptic, but it's a saying from 12 step where they talk about the deception of others is rooted in the deception of oneself. And what that means is we think that we're leading someone else on or we're, you know, deceiving somebody else, but the real person that we're lying to and being dishonest with is ourselves.
Lisa Shield [00:20:52]:
And we talked about last night, the lack of it was interesting. We did a retreat. She came to a retreat last weekend. We had about 20 women there and it was all about sensuality. And I asked what her word was because we came up with the seven elements and her word was seven elements of sensuality. And each woman was assigned, had got a different word. And her word was vulnerability. And she was talking about, I am vulnerable.
Lisa Shield [00:21:29]:
And I do tell him that I'm not in love with him and that I can't reciprocate his feelings. But we talked about the fact that she wasn't what real vulnerability would have sounded like.
Benjamin Shield [00:21:41]:
Yeah. And real vulnerability would have sounded like, I think you're a fine man and I deeply have appreciated our company that we've kept, but you feel far more for me than I'm ever able to reciprocate. And in kindness to both of us. In kindness to both of us. We need to break. I need to break this off and make it a clean break.
Lisa Shield [00:22:11]:
Well, and I'm going to take that a little in a little bit of a different direction. I think real honesty and real vulnerability would have sounded like, I'm not in love with you and I can't reciprocate your feelings and I'm holding on to you because I'm terrified of being alone. That's real honesty. I'm terrified of being alone and I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with a man that I do have feelings for and this is the best I can do. And I've done this three times before. That would be real honesty. That's real honesty. That's true vulnerability.
Lisa Shield [00:23:07]:
Really owning your deepest truth and just putting your truth, not making it about him, not making it about the relationship. Oh, I need to let this go. But really the self being, revealing, dark side is saying, I am holding on to you not because I care about you, but because I'm afraid to be alone. So that's real vulnerability. So let's talk about, honey, the hidden cost of breadcrumbing.
Benjamin Shield [00:23:42]:
Well, first it's about self deception, really. Both for both people, the breadcrumber and the person who is being breadcrumbed, they're both living in a fantasy world. One is that they're in a relationship with the person they're breadcrumbing and they're making them happy and that's a deception. And the person being breadcrumbs is having the self deception. That this is enough. And I know it's going to be more.
Lisa Shield [00:24:10]:
Yes. So it's like Saying, well, he's fine with this arrangement and I've told him how I feel. So that's the lie, right? That's the lie. That's the deception. And as I said, real vulnerability goes deeper and it's saying the uncomfortable truths to both the other person and ourselves.
Benjamin Shield [00:24:34]:
And it keeps both people stuck. Yeah, they are just stuck because the relationship is never going to be what either one of them want. So they're stuck in this unsatisfying relationship and where one person is just wanting more and getting breadcrumbs that make them happy, but in total, they're miserable.
Lisa Shield [00:24:58]:
Well, I'll tell you something. The breadcrumber, it may seem, and I really want to stress this for everybody, it may seem like the breadcrumber has the upper hand. The truth is there are two sides of the same coin. They're both stuck. They're both in a pattern that locked into a pattern of lies and self deception. And they're both planning, playing into this thing because neither one of both of them are too afraid to break it off and go for what they truly want.
Benjamin Shield [00:25:29]:
And I think the real difference is that the amount of mental real estate that a person has, the person being breadcrumbed has this enormous mental real estate about the relationship. The person breadcrumbing, not so much.
Lisa Shield [00:25:51]:
Well, I don't know. We spent a lot of time talking about it last night and it's been coming up and this particular client keeps saying, I know I need to break this off. So I think that there's some agonizing on her part too. I think it's going, it goes both ways. Even if the person who's doing the breadcrumbing feels has the illusion that they have the upper hand, I'm not sure that's so true. So why does it keep us stuck, honey?
Benjamin Shield [00:26:23]:
Well, it keeps us from having the relationship we would ultimately want. A healthy relationship rather than a very unequal, unbalanced relationship.
Lisa Shield [00:26:36]:
Yeah. And emotionally naked dating means fully committing to your true path. Breadcrumbing detours you from that path. And this came up last night in our conversation, in our program. The goal is the moment you realize that somebody isn't right for you, you cut that relationship off. Because it is an act of love to let somebody go if you cannot reciprocate their feelings and move forward so that they can also find what they're looking for.
Benjamin Shield [00:27:10]:
And in the dating world, if dates go on to three, four or five dates and one person realizes that they're not that into the other person, but the other person really is into the other person that the what they feel is kindness. They don't want to break it off. And it just gets more and more and more involved and more imbalanced.
Lisa Shield [00:27:33]:
Yeah. So we've talked a little bit about this, but crumming hurts the person that we're keeping around. Because you're using this person as an emotional stand in.
Benjamin Shield [00:27:44]:
Yeah, yeah. Like a placeholder. And if the breadcrumber finds someone much more interesting online or in real life, they'll just drop the person. Being breadcrumbs would be devastating and it would be devastating for the person being breadcrumbed to be left for another person.
Lisa Shield [00:28:03]:
Yeah. And the illusion is that they'll drop them and leave for another person. But the truth is the breadcrumber is incapable of having a healthy relationship. And what we saw with the same client is that she actually almost, if it hadn't been for us, she was. Prior to this relationship, there was another guy who was breadcrumbing her and we got her out of that relationship. So it was miserable. And she was miserable.
Benjamin Shield [00:28:35]:
Waiting for a text, an email, a phone call, anything.
Lisa Shield [00:28:39]:
She was on the other side of this. And luckily we told her to cut it off and move on. And he tried to pull her back in. He actually was manipulative and tried to pull her back in.
Benjamin Shield [00:28:50]:
It's an addiction.
Lisa Shield [00:28:51]:
Yep. Because he wanted her on the hook. And once he get got her on the hook, he could have used her sexually. He could have used her as a booty call or whatever, or as a placeholder. And we told her cut this thing off and she did. But now she's on the opposite side of the same coin. And that's what happens. You've got to cut the stuff and then learn how to have healthy, emotionally naked connections with a man who is capable of doing the same.
Benjamin Shield [00:29:27]:
And also there's the harm of having this invisible hope, this false hope that something more is going to happen. And the person being breadcrumbed inevitably feels that there's going to be something more. The person is going to just drop all the other people they're dating or they're going to change their work life or they're going to leave a relationship. And invariably it will be a false hope.
Lisa Shield [00:30:02]:
So the reason why we keep doing this is that we're afraid to face our fear of being alone, our fear that we're unlovable, our fear that maybe I can't attract a man who's really somebody I respect and admire. Or if I did meet a Man like that. Maybe I would be too anxious or I would sabotage it. I've never been in a relationship like that before. And so we lie to ourselves and hold on to somebody who we know isn't what we want. But unless we stop doing that and we break that pattern, we'll never have the love we want. And emotionally naked dating is about facing the emotional void inside of you instead of using relationships as a temporary fix.
Benjamin Shield [00:30:58]:
Yeah, yeah. And just adding on to that, really recognizing one's own pattern of avoidance and avoidant behavior is a very powerful behavior. And they fight themselves because they feel they really want relationship, and they're sabotaging it. And they're sabotaging it with these breadcrumbing relationships where, you know, they constantly get their. If it's a man, his masculinity married back to him. If it's a woman, she feels cherished and adored to a point.
Lisa Shield [00:31:34]:
Yeah, I remember I'm thinking about somebody that I was involved with. I mean, I've been on both sides of this, and for a long, long time. I think most of my relationships were one or the other. And I'm thinking about somebody I dated in Phoenix who. I mean, I don't think I intentionally breadcrumbed him, but I didn't have the same feelings for him that he had for me. And he really cared about me. He wanted it to develop. He wanted it to go somewhere.
Lisa Shield [00:32:07]:
And I did try to see if it would go somewhere, but there was a bit of breadcrumbing, a bit of feeling like I. I held onto it because I didn't think I could find something better. And this was the person who had come along, and he had some good qualities, but he wasn't really the man that lit me up. That was amazing. And, you know, there came a point where I let him go. I did let him go, but I think it was agonizing for him. It really was. And we went away on a trip, and there was no sexual intimacy.
Lisa Shield [00:32:48]:
I felt very. I spent most of the trip keeping him at a distance so that I didn't give him any signals to come closer. It was horrible. It was horrible. So let's talk about. How do you break free of this? How do. How does somebody stop doing this and really stand in their own truth about. And face their fear of being alone, of not being good enough?
Benjamin Shield [00:33:20]:
I think you just defined it. It's radical vulnerability with ourselves, with all the things you just described. That moment of stepping back and realizing, why am I doing this? Why do I have this person in my life, Is it healthy for me? Is it healthy for the other person? And if it's not healthy, I think the important thing is being vulnerable with ourselves to say what we're getting out of it. Because often the breadcrumbers is going to feel that, well, the other person just loves me so much that they're getting so much out of it. But the vulnerable, the vulnerability with the breadcrumber is, what am I getting out of it?
Lisa Shield [00:34:05]:
Yeah. And I think also you want to ask yourself, am I keeping this person around to avoid my fear of being alone? You need to ask yourself that. And then the other thing you want to ask yourself is, do I rely on their affection to feel whole? So those two questions, am I keeping this person around to avoid my fear of being alone so that I feel like I have a backup? So that if it's a Saturday night and I have nothing to do, I can rely on this guy to be there. I can call this person at the last minute and they'll come rushing over so I don't have to be alone with myself. And then do I rely on their affection to feel whole?
Benjamin Shield [00:34:54]:
Yeah. And I think the important thing is not just ending it, but ending it cleanly and with compassion. Because this is a person who has opened their heart to the breadcrumber. And whether it was healthy or not healthy, they have opened their heart and they'll be more vulnerable to separation. So having compassion, deep compassion with the ending of the relationship.
Lisa Shield [00:35:26]:
So I'm going to put a little asterisk here, and I am going to say that when you end it, it has to have a sense of finality.
Benjamin Shield [00:35:38]:
Finality. Absolutely.
Lisa Shield [00:35:39]:
Absolute finality. It is cruel.
Benjamin Shield [00:35:43]:
There's no, let's get together and talk about it. Let's have dinner and talk about. About it.
Lisa Shield [00:35:48]:
It's, we're done.
Benjamin Shield [00:35:50]:
It's, we're done.
Lisa Shield [00:35:51]:
Yeah, it's over. I care too much about you. I care too much about me. This isn't healthy. And we are going to end this. And I won't, you know, if you contact me, I will not respond. Not out of cruelty, but out of kindness. Because I cannot reciprocate your feelings and it isn't fair to keep going and you have to block their number.
Lisa Shield [00:36:20]:
You have to cut it off. But if you go back, if you open that door even a little bit, it is absolute. It's another breadcrumb and it is cruelty. And nothing you can say. This person needs to be cut off. They need to sit with their own feelings and they need to do their own healing and look at what they were doing. But you cannot continue because it's just more breadcrumbing. It has to be over.
Lisa Shield [00:36:51]:
You give what you receive. Both people are stuck in a terrible pattern and neither one has the potential to have what they really want. So the longer you let it go on, the more cruel it is. You need to have a compassionate, honest conversation acknowledging, you know, that you care, that you love this person, but you are not in love with them. Right. And that it is not fair to keep them around when you cannot reciprocate.
Benjamin Shield [00:37:26]:
So the question is, how do people heal from this, either being a breadcrumber or being breadcrumbs? And I think the answer for so many things is cultivating self compassion and self love. Really caring about ourselves to the degree that we're not going to perpetuate an unhealthy relationship and caring for the other person that's opened their heart to us, that we're not going to keep torturing them.
Lisa Shield [00:37:54]:
So you've got to, if once this is over, you really have to spend some time looking at what you did here and why you led this person on, why you've held on, and actually go back and look at past relationships and ask yourself, was I breadcrumbed or was I being breadcrumbed in all of my past relationships? Because you may find, like our client did, that many or most of your relationships have been one way or the other. So you need to face the loneliness in end emotionally naked dating. Our course, we embrace this feeling. We do a whole relationship inventory and we look at these behaviors and we tie together the patterns, we look at the repeating patterns and we get our clients to get honest and real and raw with themselves about what they've been doing so that they can make better choices going forward. You also need to reconnect with yourself and start filling your life, your own life, your own cup and not looking to a man to do that for you.
Benjamin Shield [00:39:12]:
Yeah, yeah. And we also want to see why we have this emotional crutch. Is it that we have low self esteem and we need people to keep reflecting positive things towards us?
Lisa Shield [00:39:26]:
You may also find friendships where you feel superior to your friends and you keep those friends around and they're not really the caliber or the quality of friends you want. Maybe they're very needy. You'll see this in your friendships too, by the way, that you may have some, some very codependent friends who lean on you and rely on you and you get this feeling of superiority and being needed because those friends come to you and they look to you and they ask your opinion and your advice and you feel like they need you, but you don't confide in them or open up to them.
Benjamin Shield [00:40:07]:
And there's an element of not respecting the other person using them, but seeing them as weak, dependent, needy.
Lisa Shield [00:40:17]:
Yeah. And it may be very much the same dynamic as you have with men. So you need to look at that. In fact, the word that came up last night with our client and she said this repeatedly was I think I'm codependent. And you see this sort of inequity in codependent relationships where one person, where they're based on needs and neediness and not, they're not equanimous, they're not equal. So that's something to really look at, really look at. So you have to stop the use of others as emotional stand ins so that you can open up to real connection, real equal relationships that are based on equal give and take, equal respect, mutual caring and not this hierarchy where you're more in control. If you're the breadcrumber and a lot of you who have been breadcrumbed a lot, you're going to find in your friendships, you probably have friendships where you have somebody that has more of the power and control and you feel inferior to that person or vice versa.
Benjamin Shield [00:41:31]:
Versa?
Lisa Shield [00:41:32]:
Yeah.
Benjamin Shield [00:41:32]:
You know, it's it. Because we can be both depending on the relationship. And I think the key is really taking a step back or more taking a step within ourselves to recognize the first, the signs of that we're breadcrumbing or being breadcrumbed. And also the cost, what is it costing us in our lives, in, in time, in satisfaction in not having what we truly, truly want.
Lisa Shield [00:42:02]:
And remember those ways, the signs that you're being breadcrumbed. Inconsistent communication, vague promises and future plan, talk of future plans, minimal effort or investment, avoidance of deep conversations, constant mixed signals and fitting you into their schedule. So remember, if you're feeling those things and you're constantly feeling like it's never about you, you're never the priority, you're being breadcrumbed or you're breadcrumbing somebody. All right, how do we heal the void?
Benjamin Shield [00:42:45]:
Well, through cultivating self compassion and self love. Seeing that, realizing that we're often in a relationship as an emotional crutch on either end of the breadcrumbing, but particularly.
Lisa Shield [00:42:59]:
The breadcrumber, and here's a big one, the person who is going to heal fastest, the person who is going to walk away Most empowered from these situations is the person who chooses to walk away first. So whether you are being breadcrumbed or you are the breadcrumber, the person who really has the courage to see the writing on the wall and actually make the decision to end this is the person who is going to move forward faster. So the power lies in being the one who has the honest, loving conversation and cuts it off and doesn't look back. That's the person who's going to heal fastest and is ready to heal. So breaking the cycle requires courage, honesty and self compassion. And you need to look at this and see this as an opportunity to grow. An opportunity to stand up for who you are, to take the high road to end this vicious cycle of abuse on both sides, allowing yourself to be abused or being abused and cut this thing off and see it as an invitation to grow, to heal, to move forward toward the guardian of your soul. So if you want to learn more about how we can help you, you want to go to lisashiel.com you want to click the button all over my website to watch my free presentation.
Lisa Shield [00:44:44]:
And we really encourage you to watch it, to see the whole thing. And then at the end, sign up for a breakthrough call with a member of my team to discuss how we can help you stop being used and abused or using people to fill that void inside of you. But we want to help you heal and move away from these damaging cycles, break them so that you can find the guardian of your soul. Honey, thank you for being here.
Benjamin Shield [00:45:25]:
My pleasure. It's a lot of fun.
Lisa Shield [00:45:27]:
I love you and we look forward to seeing you next time. Remember, go to lisashiel.com and watch my presentation. And please tell your friends, your sisters, your brothers, your aunts and uncles, your mothers, your fathers, everybody you know about this broadcast. And also look for my other broadcast as well. Finding the guardian of your soul. Please come back and see us again. Bye bye. Take care.